Wednesday, September 10, 2014

My 'retreat', Baby Blues on Crack, Sugar Daddy,Happy Pills and Ball of yarn without a starting string...

2 Corinthians 12:9 
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

2 Corinthians 13:4 
For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him to serve you. 




Alright, I'm sweating it out in our garage at our make shift office/play room for you guys who have been waiting to hear what happened to me last weekend.
Here goes...
    Friday started out nice with smiles and readiness to tackle the day. Adam left for work just like usual. But around 9 am it was like a light switch in my head was flipped. My give a flip got up and flipped the heck out. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. My two older girls would not leave my side and I wanted them to find something to do other than be on top of me. Zeke was pretty cool, like normal. So what the heck was my problem? Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I had been waiting a while for my insurance to okay counseling and a new anti-depressant. Apparently a little too long. I had no idea I had slipped that far into a depression and my thoughts were brutal. I won't share any of those here other than they were not good. Anyways, I decided I couldn't wait any longer on counseling and medication so I headed to the ER. I called Adam home around his lunch break and had him take over with the kids. I got a shower and headed in. I told them what was going on and they decided that an inpatient psych ward would be my friend for a few days. I was like... " I don't give a F*! I need to do something, I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time!" It turns out I've dealt with this depression for a long time! Like years! But having a baby and still trying to grieve made it a ton worse. It was like my mind had gotten so knotted up kind of like a yarn ball without a starting string to be found. I couldn't dig deep enough or fast enough to find it. I wasn't talking to anyone any longer and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I was dead inside!

   So, I get to my destination at midnight. The ambulance ride was a bit much in my opinion, but it was quite funny. My ADHD wanted me to play with all their cool junk in the back while sitting there for 3 hrs. And the poor EMT's had very little idea where they were going and decided that going the wrong way on a major highway would be stellar. Then justified it as kosher cause they were an ambulance. Yeah?!!?
Ok back at the 'cabin in the woods'. I'll call it that because I posted on my Facebook that I'd love a couple bottles of wine and a nice retreat to a cabin in the woods. Well, this place was wooded and I sure as heck didn't get my wine! I got something a little stronger. I was doped up for a day and a half pretty well I might add. Not by choice, but it's because I'm a light weight when it comes to taking any medication. I don't drink often and I don't do drugs so it was like...BAM! But once we figured out the right dose, I've been pretty mellow ever since. I can think more clearly and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, and I can still breastfeed!
The people taking me in were so sweet and kind, they also let me pump and save the milk. Which was a little iffy since they wouldn't let me have shoe laces in my shoes or strings in my pants. But I think they thought..a death by breast pump would be a little out of my league! And God knows it was! haha The first night I got to my room and it wasn't private. The next day I found out who my sleeping roommate was and we got along great! Same issues to some extent...our brains become so overwhelmed that we just shut down and go nuts so to speak. She's 5 years younger than me and what was so neat was, God didn't just bring me there for me, but He brought me there for others. It's not exactly the mission field I would have pictured myself ever visiting, but why not?!
This younger lady has some drug issues and is just trying to find herself. I thoroughly enjoyed her, she went home a day before me. We exchanged phone numbers and I hope to keep in touch.
By the second night I was just ready to chill with God and listen. I had been doing all the talking and demanding. It was His turn. He quite simply said... "Give it to me! Give it ALL to me!" Then it went on once He had my attention..." Your broken heart, is not something you can fix. Nor will it ever be! You can't live like this anymore, so hand it all over to me. I'll fix it enough and the way I want to, but you have to hand it over." At that point, I was beyond ready and willing! I like to think I've got my crap together, but honestly without God who the heck does?! You cannot separate yourself from God and think you can do anything without Him! He willed you into existence and He can will you out of it in a heartbeat! Use your time and breathe wisely...I'm learning this!!
The second night also came with a lot of laughter, after the medication wore off a little. My roommate was chatting with another guy who was there for depression and drug issues. He was a funny black guy who deals cocaine. He has cerebral palsy  and walks a little crooked. But I caught the conversation where he offered to be her sugar daddy and I chimed in with..." Well, heck I want a sugar daddy too!" He looked me dead in the eyes and was like..." I'll be your sugar daddy." Now, me being a naive sheltered white girl... I didn't really know what that would require of me. I'll get to that part in a minute...

I laughed my butt off, I was joking and he was serious. I couldn't stop laughing! Medicated people all stuck together in some shitty parts of their lives are the most real and raw people you will ever find! I didn't have to pretend to be something or someone I wasn't. That's what I needed. Drug addicts fighting for air and reason in the midst of their pain, a grieving widow trying to make sense of life after 50 years of marriage gone in a split second, a vengeful grandmother trying not to kill her grand daughter's rapist, a foster mother and adoptive mother also staying away from her abusive husband as to not kill him, the alcoholics trying to find freedom from their guilt and pain.. the list goes on. I enjoyed every single one of these people and don't think any less of them in spite of their trials and struggles. It really helped me put my problems into perspective and help me realize the changes I need to make in my life and my home to be healthy all the way around. My kids for one will no longer be treating me the way they have been. My home will be a peaceful and calm place even if they don't like me for a while! I am momma hear me roar! lol

While I was getting ready to leave I got to hear one of the ladies testimonies of how God freed her from a life of addiction... She's now 52 and has 25 years of sobriety under her belt. She's been married 4 times and is a nurse there. This my friends was a state institution, but these ladies were not afraid to speak God to us patients! I could have sat there all day and listened to this woman and the trials she has over come, but then the freaking rec. therapist came in with play doh. FRICK! Right??! Anyways, it was time for me to leave and those ladies will forever be in my prayers and thoughts! They loved on me in the midst of my darkest hours and helped me make sense of it all whether or not they realize it. (If you're reading this Thank you from the bottom of my heart you know who all you are!!!)

Depression is no laughing matter and even if you're worried that people will think you're a nut because you need to go somewhere. Go somewhere...people will applaud you and stand by your side when you come back! To my friends and family who haven't judged me thank you a million times over!!! It was incredibly hard, but definitely needed. I will be going to counseling and taking my medication! My family needs me and I need them!! Love yourself or get to a point where you can!!
Good night world! 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

On the 7th Day, She....

Today, I am just suffering from a bitter soul! I should be rejoicing rather than grieving for Malachi. Our beautiful, handsome, sweet, content rainbow baby boy arrived last week. One week ago today. July 29, 2014. Such a perfect boy, healthy, screaming, alive!

                                                Me and Zeke Man 8/4/2014 my actual due date.
                             Ezekiel Asher 6lb. 6 oz. 19.5 in. @ 11:33 am. 7/29/2014

 There are moments throughout these days that I have just caught myself wondering and wishing for these moments to be with Malachi too. I miss him so much right now. During pregnancy, I had to force a lot of the thoughts and anxiety out of my mind to maintain what sanity I had left to stay healthy and present in the daily routine that my family and I needed. I am pissed! I am sad, that Zeke gets screwed out of not having a big brother to grow up. He gets to fend for himself against 3 big sisters. Why isn't Malachi here? What reason is there, that would suffice not having my son here with me? Now, I know I've asked these questions a million times and come to terms with whatever they may be, over and over, but seriously this seems to be the hardest process. Just coming to grips that I don't have another son in my arms, bouncing on my knee etc... I don't think I can ever come to terms/acceptance. I may come close sometimes, but never fully grasping that. There is peace, yes, but my God there is still a bunch of bitterness and hurt! I wonder if God ever thought... "We do not negotiate with terrorists!"??? I want to take this terror out of my mind, my heart. During Zeke's pregnancy, I became hardened and distant from many if not all around me and especially the one within me. You never fully get over that fear that something may happen at any point to the baby that I'm carrying. There's not that naive thought that nothing bad can happen or will happen. There's the lurking thought of, it can happen, it has happened and I can't run from it if it happens again. Death, knocking at your door at any moment or maybe not, fear resides in the depths of the mind of a parent who has once lost a child(ren) in utero or to SIDS. So this verse describes me today...

                              Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the
                              anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul
                                                        Job 7:11

On to our rainbow baby boy's story. How did we decide on Ezekiel Asher as a name? Good question! I'm really not one to stick with Bible names per say, but for some reason this name stuck out to both of us. The name Ezekiel means, "God strengthens" and Asher means, "happy and/or blessed".  I was going to name the little guy Zechariah or Zach... because of a Scripture that God gave me after Malachi was born that just spoke to the depths of my heart. But it the name just started to not feel right. Boys are so much harder to name than girls for some reason. I don't get it! God is strengthening me, because I feel so weak!! I feel like I'm spiritually being dragged through the dirt. Life hasn't been what I expected, so I'm trying my best to find my path that HE wants for me rather than what my expectations and 'standards' were. There are so many people out there still trying to figure out what I'm about and why I do the crazy things I do. haha It's fun, I don't fit in a box and neither does God. Every day after finding out I have ADHD...I have embraced the crap out of it! There's no longer the thinking of "There's something wrong with me or why am I like this?"
But it does make grieving and rejoicing over a new baby a lot more difficult and exhilarating at the same time...it's just super crazy. Unless you have ADD/ADHD or an empath...please don't try to understand this, it'll make your head hurt!
Ok back to the name Ezekiel... The valley of dry bones! My bones are dry and do I think or dare dream that this little guy can breathe new life within me... I honestly don't know. I know that God can do anything through anyone at any time! I sure hope that's why this little guy is named what he is. But I'm not putting that kind of weight on such a little dude! My inner self has become dull and weary by every definition of those words, but this little guy has given me a glimmer of hope again. His birth was amazing! He came FAST!!! No one expected him to come as fast as he did, but I'm glad he did. I didn't think I could last much longer without an epidural. LOL My face actually went numb...it was the craziest thing. It was like I got a softball size shot of novocaine to the face! Everyone was laughing and they should have, if I could have I would! It was hilarious and weird at the same time. I think I'll be seeing a masseuse and a chiropractor within the next month or so for an adjustment and tissue massage! The only thing that still hurts a week later is my extremely bruised tailbone and back. Other than that, I'm up and around and truly blessed to be feeling this great a week later!! I will have to write Zeke's birth story another time as I have piles of laundry and a shower calling my name as little man sleeps and miss priss is occupied. The older two are at Grandma's for a few days so momma can rest a little easier. My mother in law is a saint right now! My mom on the other hand...well she's a handful and a half! I love that woman, but I don't want to get into my 70's and be like her.. pray for our relationship! Here's some of my favorite verses from the Book of Ezekiel in the Bible...

Ezekiel 37
The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lordand set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.
Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Rainbow's and Fairy Tales

Oh my goodness! I didn't realize it's been so long since my last post. WOW! SOOO much has happened since August of last year! It's now April 6th, 2014.
It's been really hard to post anything on here. I'm definitely no longer in the place I was in with the grief over losing Malachi.

We are now expecting another little boy Ezekiel (Zeke) Asher, due Aug. 4th of this year. I didn't really think I could get pregnant again after Malachi. It just seemed like it was taking forever and so many things were wrong with my hormones and body. Until I gave up and didn't care if we had another baby or not. I knew that one day we would, but for sanity's sake. I just let it go...it would happen if it was meant to, mentality.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant and still a little on edge about losing this little one, but he is much more active than his big brother ever was. My Dr. was trying to reassure me at an appointment that she really thought it was a cord accident that killed Malachi. I felt from the beginning of his pregnancy that something wasn't right. But whatever it was, I don't foresee happening again with Zeke.

I believe this is going to be it for this post. There's so much more I could write, but I'm going to leave it at this. Thank you all for following and I may start a new blog. We'll see. For those of you that are still trying for a rainbow baby, there is hope. Relax...is the best advice I could give anyone!! It will happen if it's meant to! My other option was to get a dog. LOL Seriously! Healing comes in all kinds of shapes, sizes and forms. :)