There are moments throughout these days that I have just caught myself wondering and wishing for these moments to be with Malachi too. I miss him so much right now. During pregnancy, I had to force a lot of the thoughts and anxiety out of my mind to maintain what sanity I had left to stay healthy and present in the daily routine that my family and I needed. I am pissed! I am sad, that Zeke gets screwed out of not having a big brother to grow up. He gets to fend for himself against 3 big sisters. Why isn't Malachi here? What reason is there, that would suffice not having my son here with me? Now, I know I've asked these questions a million times and come to terms with whatever they may be, over and over, but seriously this seems to be the hardest process. Just coming to grips that I don't have another son in my arms, bouncing on my knee etc... I don't think I can ever come to terms/acceptance. I may come close sometimes, but never fully grasping that. There is peace, yes, but my God there is still a bunch of bitterness and hurt! I wonder if God ever thought... "We do not negotiate with terrorists!"??? I want to take this terror out of my mind, my heart. During Zeke's pregnancy, I became hardened and distant from many if not all around me and especially the one within me. You never fully get over that fear that something may happen at any point to the baby that I'm carrying. There's not that naive thought that nothing bad can happen or will happen. There's the lurking thought of, it can happen, it has happened and I can't run from it if it happens again. Death, knocking at your door at any moment or maybe not, fear resides in the depths of the mind of a parent who has once lost a child(ren) in utero or to SIDS. So this verse describes me today...
Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the
anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul
Job 7:11
On to our rainbow baby boy's story. How did we decide on Ezekiel Asher as a name? Good question! I'm really not one to stick with Bible names per say, but for some reason this name stuck out to both of us. The name Ezekiel means, "God strengthens" and Asher means, "happy and/or blessed". I was going to name the little guy Zechariah or Zach... because of a Scripture that God gave me after Malachi was born that just spoke to the depths of my heart. But it the name just started to not feel right. Boys are so much harder to name than girls for some reason. I don't get it! God is strengthening me, because I feel so weak!! I feel like I'm spiritually being dragged through the dirt. Life hasn't been what I expected, so I'm trying my best to find my path that HE wants for me rather than what my expectations and 'standards' were. There are so many people out there still trying to figure out what I'm about and why I do the crazy things I do. haha It's fun, I don't fit in a box and neither does God. Every day after finding out I have ADHD...I have embraced the crap out of it! There's no longer the thinking of "There's something wrong with me or why am I like this?"
But it does make grieving and rejoicing over a new baby a lot more difficult and exhilarating at the same time...it's just super crazy. Unless you have ADD/ADHD or an empath...please don't try to understand this, it'll make your head hurt!
Ok back to the name Ezekiel... The valley of dry bones! My bones are dry and do I think or dare dream that this little guy can breathe new life within me... I honestly don't know. I know that God can do anything through anyone at any time! I sure hope that's why this little guy is named what he is. But I'm not putting that kind of weight on such a little dude! My inner self has become dull and weary by every definition of those words, but this little guy has given me a glimmer of hope again. His birth was amazing! He came FAST!!! No one expected him to come as fast as he did, but I'm glad he did. I didn't think I could last much longer without an epidural. LOL My face actually went numb...it was the craziest thing. It was like I got a softball size shot of novocaine to the face! Everyone was laughing and they should have, if I could have I would! It was hilarious and weird at the same time. I think I'll be seeing a masseuse and a chiropractor within the next month or so for an adjustment and tissue massage! The only thing that still hurts a week later is my extremely bruised tailbone and back. Other than that, I'm up and around and truly blessed to be feeling this great a week later!! I will have to write Zeke's birth story another time as I have piles of laundry and a shower calling my name as little man sleeps and miss priss is occupied. The older two are at Grandma's for a few days so momma can rest a little easier. My mother in law is a saint right now! My mom on the other hand...well she's a handful and a half! I love that woman, but I don't want to get into my 70's and be like her.. pray for our relationship! Here's some of my favorite verses from the Book of Ezekiel in the Bible...
Ezekiel 37
The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lordand set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”
