I am SO Blessed!!!

I think back to this day 2 years ago and the memories come flooding back. A little traumatizing, yes. But not as intruding as they used to be. Now, I think of just how freaking blessed I am to have had Malachi for the short time I did. He's taught me so much about love, life, family, myself and so on. I feel like I learn a lot each day just because I lost him. Lost him on this earth, but not in Heaven. I know right where he's at and that gives me peace beyond my understanding! There are days that still bring me to my knees from grief, but mostly I have joy. 

At the beginning of the year, I prayed and asked God for a good year. The past few years have been nothing but drudge and struggle. I long for a smooth, steady, easy going year and these are the verses I believe He gave me to draw strength, vision and hope from. 

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3 

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

4 

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

    and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

    that have been devastated for generations.

5 

Strangers will shepherd your flocks;

    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

6 

And you will be called priests of the Lord,

    you will be named ministers of our God.

You will feed on the wealth of nations,

    and in their riches you will boast.

7 

Instead of your shame

    you will receive a double portion,

and instead of disgrace

    you will rejoice in your inheritance.

And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,

    and everlasting joy will be yours.

A quick rabbit trail to some things that happened last year, before I get going on what I'm looking forward to this year: 

About 5 weeks after Zeke was born I spent 4 days in a mental hospital regaining my footing. I was blindsided by my grief, postpartum hormones and the overwhelming responsibilities of every day life. I do not have the best support system. My brothers and sister are all very much older than I am and no where around me. My parents are elderly and sometimes require a little help from me. So, Adam and I are pretty much on our own. His parents are in Missouri and occasionally take the older girls. My Wonder Woman suit is on daily. I really do not have a clue as to how I do what I do daily without the strength of God!! And yet, there are single and military spouses who do far more than I do with a much better attitude daily. Fist pump and bump to you peeps for your mad skills! But I am now on some medication that help keep my mind on a positive track to some extent. I know I need something a little better to help me sleep better and focus better, but I'm still nursing and my options are limited. 

I also want to share something I haven't shared with many because well it still feels new and odd, maybe even a little raw. While supporting a friend through yet another early loss, I discovered that I had an early loss a few months after Malachi passed. I didn't realize I was pregnant, we moved 3 times that summer and I had just started a new job. I knew I looked swollen and felt like crap, but the pregnancy tests kept coming back negative so I didn't think anything of it. My cycles were so screwed up too, so I was oblivious. One day I went to the bathroom and wiped and for some reason I looked at the toilet paper and saw something I had never seen before in my life and haven't seen since. But it was that little sac that I saw while Googling what an early baby/miscarriage would look like, that I realized that's what was on the toilet paper that day. I didn't think much of it at the time. Too much going on to really dwell or think about it. But this is what it looked like. Sorry if it's weirdly graphic for your taste. I'm kind of a nerd, so gross things don't really bother me much anymore. lol I asked many friends who had early losses what theirs looked like just to kind of confirm my suspicions and they said that this in fact is what there's looked like. I was calling this little one Button, but have since decided on the name Myka, being gender neutral. It appears I have 2 angels waiting for me in Heaven. 

                                     (photo taken from Google)

2015:

So that was last year, this year is going to be AWESOME!! It seems like God has lined us so many opportunities in my path that I can't wait to start, but I'm trying to pace myself. We were going to move back to Missouri this year, that has been our goal for the past few years, but it appears God has different plans. We're staying put for a while longer and surprisingly I'm flipping excited about it!!! (Shush Rene'! I know you're reading this and laughing your butt off, I love you, but stop praying for us to stay here K!!) hahaha 

Anyways, I was contemplating on finishing my BA in Graphic Design or going to Nursing School in Mo. It seems neither are happening. I want to be certain before jumping in one direction or the other. There are some things keeping me from attempting either right now, so I may just wait until all of the kiddos are in school. 

The awesomeness that's in store for this year: 
I have started an online Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support group on Facebook, woohoo! And a physical support group in our town is in the works. It has also been brought to my attention that there aren't any photographers that are willing or able to come take photos of families and babies who have been lost, in our town. So, I bought myself an uber expensive professional camera and I plan on breaking that bad boy in with families and friends first. I'm still sewing and will be opening an Etsy shop soon! I'm very excited for these things. I just somehow need to pull time out of my butt to pull it all off. haha 

Tiny Hands, Tiny Feet (A Poem)

Tiny Hands, Tiny Feet

Tiny hands, tiny feet. One day I thought I'd meet. 

Your beautiful eyes, were they like mine?

I thought we'd have more time!

Tiny hands, tiny feet; as small as a dime. 

Yet still mine. 

Tiny hands, tiny feet. 

You were so neat! 

Tiny hands, tiny feet. 

Too precious for earth. 

I wish I could hear your heart beat...

One last time!

Tiny hands, tiny feet. 

Were so perfect and precious.

My heartaches to be with you.

I still have no clue why you left me so blue!

Tiny hands, tiny feet. 

Someday I will get to hold your hand

and tickle your feet!

Tiny hands, tiny feet. 

You beat us home. 

You were only on loan.

Tiny hands, tiny feet. 

I love you!

My 'retreat', Baby Blues on Crack, Sugar Daddy,Happy Pills and Ball of yarn without a starting string...

2 Corinthians 12:9 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

2 Corinthians 13:4 

For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him to serve you. 

Alright, I'm sweating it out in our garage at our make shift office/play room for you guys who have been waiting to hear what happened to me last weekend.
Here goes...
    Friday started out nice with smiles and readiness to tackle the day. Adam left for work just like usual. But around 9 am it was like a light switch in my head was flipped. My give a flip got up and flipped the heck out. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. My two older girls would not leave my side and I wanted them to find something to do other than be on top of me. Zeke was pretty cool, like normal. So what the heck was my problem? Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I had been waiting a while for my insurance to okay counseling and a new anti-depressant. Apparently a little too long. I had no idea I had slipped that far into a depression and my thoughts were brutal. I won't share any of those here other than they were not good. Anyways, I decided I couldn't wait any longer on counseling and medication so I headed to the ER. I called Adam home around his lunch break and had him take over with the kids. I got a shower and headed in. I told them what was going on and they decided that an inpatient psych ward would be my friend for a few days. I was like... " I don't give a F*! I need to do something, I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time!" It turns out I've dealt with this depression for a long time! Like years! But having a baby and still trying to grieve made it a ton worse. It was like my mind had gotten so knotted up kind of like a yarn ball without a starting string to be found. I couldn't dig deep enough or fast enough to find it. I wasn't talking to anyone any longer and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I was dead inside!

   So, I get to my destination at midnight. The ambulance ride was a bit much in my opinion, but it was quite funny. My ADHD wanted me to play with all their cool junk in the back while sitting there for 3 hrs. And the poor EMT's had very little idea where they were going and decided that going the wrong way on a major highway would be stellar. Then justified it as kosher cause they were an ambulance. Yeah?!!?
Ok back at the 'cabin in the woods'. I'll call it that because I posted on my Facebook that I'd love a couple bottles of wine and a nice retreat to a cabin in the woods. Well, this place was wooded and I sure as heck didn't get my wine! I got something a little stronger. I was doped up for a day and a half pretty well I might add. Not by choice, but it's because I'm a light weight when it comes to taking any medication. I don't drink often and I don't do drugs so it was like...BAM! But once we figured out the right dose, I've been pretty mellow ever since. I can think more clearly and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, and I can still breastfeed!
The people taking me in were so sweet and kind, they also let me pump and save the milk. Which was a little iffy since they wouldn't let me have shoe laces in my shoes or strings in my pants. But I think they thought..a death by breast pump would be a little out of my league! And God knows it was! haha The first night I got to my room and it wasn't private. The next day I found out who my sleeping roommate was and we got along great! Same issues to some extent...our brains become so overwhelmed that we just shut down and go nuts so to speak. She's 5 years younger than me and what was so neat was, God didn't just bring me there for me, but He brought me there for others. It's not exactly the mission field I would have pictured myself ever visiting, but why not?!
This younger lady has some drug issues and is just trying to find herself. I thoroughly enjoyed her, she went home a day before me. We exchanged phone numbers and I hope to keep in touch.
By the second night I was just ready to chill with God and listen. I had been doing all the talking and demanding. It was His turn. He quite simply said... "Give it to me! Give it ALL to me!" Then it went on once He had my attention..." Your broken heart, is not something you can fix. Nor will it ever be! You can't live like this anymore, so hand it all over to me. I'll fix it enough and the way I want to, but you have to hand it over." At that point, I was beyond ready and willing! I like to think I've got my crap together, but honestly without God who the heck does?! You cannot separate yourself from God and think you can do anything without Him! He willed you into existence and He can will you out of it in a heartbeat! Use your time and breathe wisely...I'm learning this!!
The second night also came with a lot of laughter, after the medication wore off a little. My roommate was chatting with another guy who was there for depression and drug issues. He was a funny black guy who deals cocaine. He has cerebral palsy  and walks a little crooked. But I caught the conversation where he offered to be her sugar daddy and I chimed in with..." Well, heck I want a sugar daddy too!" He looked me dead in the eyes and was like..." I'll be your sugar daddy." Now, me being a naive sheltered white girl... I didn't really know what that would require of me. I'll get to that part in a minute...

I laughed my butt off, I was joking and he was serious. I couldn't stop laughing! Medicated people all stuck together in some shitty parts of their lives are the most real and raw people you will ever find! I didn't have to pretend to be something or someone I wasn't. That's what I needed. Drug addicts fighting for air and reason in the midst of their pain, a grieving widow trying to make sense of life after 50 years of marriage gone in a split second, a vengeful grandmother trying not to kill her grand daughter's rapist, a foster mother and adoptive mother also staying away from her abusive husband as to not kill him, the alcoholics trying to find freedom from their guilt and pain.. the list goes on. I enjoyed every single one of these people and don't think any less of them in spite of their trials and struggles. It really helped me put my problems into perspective and help me realize the changes I need to make in my life and my home to be healthy all the way around. My kids for one will no longer be treating me the way they have been. My home will be a peaceful and calm place even if they don't like me for a while! I am momma hear me roar! lol

While I was getting ready to leave I got to hear one of the ladies testimonies of how God freed her from a life of addiction... She's now 52 and has 25 years of sobriety under her belt. She's been married 4 times and is a nurse there. This my friends was a state institution, but these ladies were not afraid to speak God to us patients! I could have sat there all day and listened to this woman and the trials she has over come, but then the freaking rec. therapist came in with play doh. FRICK! Right??! Anyways, it was time for me to leave and those ladies will forever be in my prayers and thoughts! They loved on me in the midst of my darkest hours and helped me make sense of it all whether or not they realize it. (If you're reading this Thank you from the bottom of my heart you know who all you are!!!)

Depression is no laughing matter and even if you're worried that people will think you're a nut because you need to go somewhere. Go somewhere...people will applaud you and stand by your side when you come back! To my friends and family who haven't judged me thank you a million times over!!! It was incredibly hard, but definitely needed. I will be going to counseling and taking my medication! My family needs me and I need them!! Love yourself or get to a point where you can!!

Good night world! 

On the 7th Day, She....

Today, I am just suffering from a bitter soul! I should be rejoicing rather than grieving for Malachi. Our beautiful, handsome, sweet, content rainbow baby boy arrived last week. One week ago today. July 29, 2014. Such a perfect boy, healthy, screaming, alive!

                                                Me and Zeke Man 8/4/2014 my actual due date.

                             Ezekiel Asher 6lb. 6 oz. 19.5 in. @ 11:33 am. 7/29/2014

 There are moments throughout these days that I have just caught myself wondering and wishing for these moments to be with Malachi too. I miss him so much right now. During pregnancy, I had to force a lot of the thoughts and anxiety out of my mind to maintain what sanity I had left to stay healthy and present in the daily routine that my family and I needed. I am pissed! I am sad, that Zeke gets screwed out of not having a big brother to grow up. He gets to fend for himself against 3 big sisters. Why isn't Malachi here? What reason is there, that would suffice not having my son here with me? Now, I know I've asked these questions a million times and come to terms with whatever they may be, over and over, but seriously this seems to be the hardest process. Just coming to grips that I don't have another son in my arms, bouncing on my knee etc... I don't think I can ever come to terms/acceptance. I may come close sometimes, but never fully grasping that. There is peace, yes, but my God there is still a bunch of bitterness and hurt! I wonder if God ever thought... "We do not negotiate with terrorists!"??? I want to take this terror out of my mind, my heart. During Zeke's pregnancy, I became hardened and distant from many if not all around me and especially the one within me. You never fully get over that fear that something may happen at any point to the baby that I'm carrying. There's not that naive thought that nothing bad can happen or will happen. There's the lurking thought of, it can happen, it has happened and I can't run from it if it happens again. Death, knocking at your door at any moment or maybe not, fear resides in the depths of the mind of a parent who has once lost a child(ren) in utero or to SIDS. So this verse describes me today...

                              Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the

                              anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul

                                                        Job 7:11

On to our rainbow baby boy's story. How did we decide on Ezekiel Asher as a name? Good question! I'm really not one to stick with Bible names per say, but for some reason this name stuck out to both of us. The name Ezekiel means, "God strengthens" and Asher means, "happy and/or blessed".  I was going to name the little guy Zechariah or Zach... because of a Scripture that God gave me after Malachi was born that just spoke to the depths of my heart. But it the name just started to not feel right. Boys are so much harder to name than girls for some reason. I don't get it! God is strengthening me, because I feel so weak!! I feel like I'm spiritually being dragged through the dirt. Life hasn't been what I expected, so I'm trying my best to find my path that HE wants for me rather than what my expectations and 'standards' were. There are so many people out there still trying to figure out what I'm about and why I do the crazy things I do. haha It's fun, I don't fit in a box and neither does God. Every day after finding out I have ADHD...I have embraced the crap out of it! There's no longer the thinking of "There's something wrong with me or why am I like this?"
But it does make grieving and rejoicing over a new baby a lot more difficult and exhilarating at the same time...it's just super crazy. Unless you have ADD/ADHD or an empath...please don't try to understand this, it'll make your head hurt!
Ok back to the name Ezekiel... The valley of dry bones! My bones are dry and do I think or dare dream that this little guy can breathe new life within me... I honestly don't know. I know that God can do anything through anyone at any time! I sure hope that's why this little guy is named what he is. But I'm not putting that kind of weight on such a little dude! My inner self has become dull and weary by every definition of those words, but this little guy has given me a glimmer of hope again. His birth was amazing! He came FAST!!! No one expected him to come as fast as he did, but I'm glad he did. I didn't think I could last much longer without an epidural. LOL My face actually went numb...it was the craziest thing. It was like I got a softball size shot of novocaine to the face! Everyone was laughing and they should have, if I could have I would! It was hilarious and weird at the same time. I think I'll be seeing a masseuse and a chiropractor within the next month or so for an adjustment and tissue massage! The only thing that still hurts a week later is my extremely bruised tailbone and back. Other than that, I'm up and around and truly blessed to be feeling this great a week later!! I will have to write Zeke's birth story another time as I have piles of laundry and a shower calling my name as little man sleeps and miss priss is occupied. The older two are at Grandma's for a few days so momma can rest a little easier. My mother in law is a saint right now! My mom on the other hand...well she's a handful and a half! I love that woman, but I don't want to get into my 70's and be like her.. pray for our relationship! Here's some of my favorite verses from the Book of Ezekiel in the Bible...

Ezekiel 37

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lordand set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

Rainbow's and Fairy Tales

Oh my goodness! I didn't realize it's been so long since my last post. WOW! SOOO much has happened since August of last year! It's now April 6th, 2014.
It's been really hard to post anything on here. I'm definitely no longer in the place I was in with the grief over losing Malachi.

We are now expecting another little boy Ezekiel (Zeke) Asher, due Aug. 4th of this year. I didn't really think I could get pregnant again after Malachi. It just seemed like it was taking forever and so many things were wrong with my hormones and body. Until I gave up and didn't care if we had another baby or not. I knew that one day we would, but for sanity's sake. I just let it go...it would happen if it was meant to, mentality.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant and still a little on edge about losing this little one, but he is much more active than his big brother ever was. My Dr. was trying to reassure me at an appointment that she really thought it was a cord accident that killed Malachi. I felt from the beginning of his pregnancy that something wasn't right. But whatever it was, I don't foresee happening again with Zeke.

I believe this is going to be it for this post. There's so much more I could write, but I'm going to leave it at this. Thank you all for following and I may start a new blog. We'll see. For those of you that are still trying for a rainbow baby, there is hope. Relax...is the best advice I could give anyone!! It will happen if it's meant to! My other option was to get a dog. LOL Seriously! Healing comes in all kinds of shapes, sizes and forms. :)

What's up Buttercup?! (An Update on muah)

Here's an update on how I'm doing. I feel the need to put this here because some have expressed concern for me...thanks btw. I haven't been talking to anyone or writing which has been BAD! I've been locked inside my own brain so to speak and that's a damning place. It's not necessarily that I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone. It's that I didn't want to. I feel like this is a 'special club' and like no one understands or can really help me. So that whole 'suffering in silence' that comes along with miscarriage/stillbirth attacked me when I wasn't looking. I now understand why some women can't talk about their experiences. The pain sweeps over you and there are no words to express how deeply hurt you feel on the inside while still walking around daily like you're 'fine'. I guess the point has come where I wear my grief daily and things have just piled on top of that. It seems like we can't catch a break and the struggle of every day life has just overcome me as well. Right now I need to take a few steps back to process like looking at things from an outside perspective. Some of you may not know what all has been going on. 

1. We were waiting to find out if Adam got a permanent job with the Post Office. He did. It didn't work out due to expenses that were not foretold to us until he got there on his first day. 

2. I started working again. Although I am so excited and LOVE my new job, it is new and not what I'm used to in my daily routine and still feel a little guilty for not being a mom and taking care of the house. I felt like that was my 'calling' or purpose. But I'm so happy where I am. I'm trying not to sabotoge it with my downer attitude. 

3. We got Adam's car back from the dealer in Springfield because the engine blew a month after he got it. Then Thursday it went out again. So now we're waiting to hear from them on whether we can trade it for something else or not. It's still under warranty etc...so that's good, but I'm like REALLY?! I'm just like keep the thing and erase our debt from it. We can't afford another car pmt right now anyways. 

4. Just when I thought our financial nightmare was about to be solved by Adam getting the permanent route and me working. I was completely blind sided and let down. So that's the biggest disappointment that seems to be overwhelming. I was looking forward to paying off overdue bills and blessing others. 

5. A person who said they'd always be there for me no matter what, blocked me and made things very clear that they were no longer a part of my life, with no explanation or warning. That hurts A LOT..it's like another death! It sucks! 

6. We've moved twice in 2 months and are looking at possibly moving again since my husband doesn't have a job right now and rent is pricey. 

I didn't grow up with everything handed to me or anything, but I had what we needed. Right now we are struggling to give our girls the things they need and that kills me. I feel like an irresponsible teenage parent who doesn't take care of business. This is not what I had pictured for adulthood or parenting. So I think I feel really disappointed in myself and my abilities to provide or be the parent that I wanted to be. (I know  I need to get that out of my head and just get over this crap, because it's not doing me any good.) 

With those things said I'll now insert what I wrote on the status update; It's probably not that big of a deal to some and you're probably thinking holy crap..she waited this long to break out the anti-depressant?! But after a few friends and others have expressed their concern for me I thought it was probably over due. I did try eating healthier, taking vitamins etc... and after this season in my life passes I'll continue to go that route. And truthfully, I think I make mountains out of mole hills; a lot of little things can make things seem very overwhelming and out of control and that's where I'm at. Thankfully Adam and I are good and STILL married....LOL Everyone has their issues and we're all working through them. Thank you all for your love, support, prayers and kind words of encouragement. You are the ones who have held me up when I couldn't along with Jesus of course. Love ya'll!

Also, I'm sorry if at times you feel like I'm whining or complaining A LOT! Sorry! That's not how I want to come across or anything and I get tired of people whining too...I'm like grow up or get over it. But until you are going through things, it's hard to understand what that person may be experiencing. So thanks for walking this crazy journey with me! 

Where to begin the healing process.... a post for those who just joined the crappiest club on earth!

This post is for those who may not know where to begin to grieve. Or not even know that it's okay to do so.

Here's your permission! Grieve!

What is grief? In my words: hell, crying, screaming, denial, regrets, guilt, shame ( like my body failed me, what's wrong with me? and so on), depression, anger, and acceptance. Everyone's grief may not look like this or may not happen in this order. So whatever you are feeling, give yourself permission to feel it, even if you have other children or a spouse to take care of. It is important and healthy to grieve in whatever manner you find yourself doing it in. Whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom or eating your own tears. These will come in waves and much like a roller coaster of emotions and such. I am in no way a doctor or counselor. I've just had my fair share of losses including Malachi, except he was the only child I lost.

Anyways, you may find me joking or making light of things. It is how I deal, it's not meant to offend or be disrespectful!!

If you can, find a support group in your area. If you want to remain anonymous for whatever reason, there are plenty of online support groups you can join. However, I do recommend you eventually allow your grief to be open for all to see. There is no shame in grief! It's a normal state of being even if people don't like or want to see it, they need to. Everyone is still a person and susceptible to death and all it entails!  I'm still learning how to allow my grief to be 'worn' in public. And no it doesn't look like a train wreck for me, I can be happy but at the same time I want to allow myself to be okay with being whatever on whatever day people see me. Hope that makes sense.

Find some faith! I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and ultimately I believe He's the only one true source of comfort and healing. I have a relationship not a religion! Prayer has helped me through this more than talking to anyone or anything!!
You may believe and find something else. I'm not one to judge or comment on your choice.

Be open with others, don't isolate yourself! Depression can lurk around any dark corner if you let it. Suicide is an easy way out and not one to chose, you were left here for a purpose and don't doubt that for a second. Your child is in the best place ever! You job now is to hold that child in your heart instead of your arms, which is the hardest job on earth at this moment in time! It's okay to claim that child and say you have x amount even if they are not living. You are still a parent!!

Facebook and Twitter can be a wealth of resources and information for groups of parents who have lost children. I am on a couple myself.

When you are strong enough, be a light and help to others; like I'm trying to be. It has given me the most hope and has allowed me to view my loss and handle it in stride instead of all at once like being hit by a Mac truck.

There are a list of resources on this page under the pages column on the right hand side. Take a look and see if any of those can help you or if you would like to add any please let me know.

My desire and wish with this blog and my mouth is to help break the silence of stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss. No one should have to suffer in silence because of shame, denial, pain, or guilt!!! It's okay to talk about it and share your experience with others. It may be taboo at this moment in time, but I want to help change that. Life is not all sunshine and flowers. And we shouldn't have to portray that image all the time.

If you would like to be able to reach me directly or know what else is going on, I have a page on Facebook labeled: Malachi's Wings it'd be great to have you there and you can message me with prayer requests or what have you.

I hope someone out there has found this helpful and please feel free to leave a comment below.
Thanks and God Bless!!