What's up Buttercup?! (An Update on muah)

Here's an update on how I'm doing. I feel the need to put this here because some have expressed concern for me...thanks btw. I haven't been talking to anyone or writing which has been BAD! I've been locked inside my own brain so to speak and that's a damning place. It's not necessarily that I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone. It's that I didn't want to. I feel like this is a 'special club' and like no one understands or can really help me. So that whole 'suffering in silence' that comes along with miscarriage/stillbirth attacked me when I wasn't looking. I now understand why some women can't talk about their experiences. The pain sweeps over you and there are no words to express how deeply hurt you feel on the inside while still walking around daily like you're 'fine'. I guess the point has come where I wear my grief daily and things have just piled on top of that. It seems like we can't catch a break and the struggle of every day life has just overcome me as well. Right now I need to take a few steps back to process like looking at things from an outside perspective. Some of you may not know what all has been going on. 

1. We were waiting to find out if Adam got a permanent job with the Post Office. He did. It didn't work out due to expenses that were not foretold to us until he got there on his first day. 

2. I started working again. Although I am so excited and LOVE my new job, it is new and not what I'm used to in my daily routine and still feel a little guilty for not being a mom and taking care of the house. I felt like that was my 'calling' or purpose. But I'm so happy where I am. I'm trying not to sabotoge it with my downer attitude. 

3. We got Adam's car back from the dealer in Springfield because the engine blew a month after he got it. Then Thursday it went out again. So now we're waiting to hear from them on whether we can trade it for something else or not. It's still under warranty etc...so that's good, but I'm like REALLY?! I'm just like keep the thing and erase our debt from it. We can't afford another car pmt right now anyways. 

4. Just when I thought our financial nightmare was about to be solved by Adam getting the permanent route and me working. I was completely blind sided and let down. So that's the biggest disappointment that seems to be overwhelming. I was looking forward to paying off overdue bills and blessing others. 

5. A person who said they'd always be there for me no matter what, blocked me and made things very clear that they were no longer a part of my life, with no explanation or warning. That hurts A LOT..it's like another death! It sucks! 

6. We've moved twice in 2 months and are looking at possibly moving again since my husband doesn't have a job right now and rent is pricey. 

I didn't grow up with everything handed to me or anything, but I had what we needed. Right now we are struggling to give our girls the things they need and that kills me. I feel like an irresponsible teenage parent who doesn't take care of business. This is not what I had pictured for adulthood or parenting. So I think I feel really disappointed in myself and my abilities to provide or be the parent that I wanted to be. (I know  I need to get that out of my head and just get over this crap, because it's not doing me any good.) 

With those things said I'll now insert what I wrote on the status update; It's probably not that big of a deal to some and you're probably thinking holy crap..she waited this long to break out the anti-depressant?! But after a few friends and others have expressed their concern for me I thought it was probably over due. I did try eating healthier, taking vitamins etc... and after this season in my life passes I'll continue to go that route. And truthfully, I think I make mountains out of mole hills; a lot of little things can make things seem very overwhelming and out of control and that's where I'm at. Thankfully Adam and I are good and STILL married....LOL Everyone has their issues and we're all working through them. Thank you all for your love, support, prayers and kind words of encouragement. You are the ones who have held me up when I couldn't along with Jesus of course. Love ya'll!

Also, I'm sorry if at times you feel like I'm whining or complaining A LOT! Sorry! That's not how I want to come across or anything and I get tired of people whining too...I'm like grow up or get over it. But until you are going through things, it's hard to understand what that person may be experiencing. So thanks for walking this crazy journey with me! 

Slow Your Roll (A Lightbulb Moment)

So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.' 

I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby. 

Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job. 

This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below: 

Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:

1. Got back on my BabyCenter page and started looking around at my 'Birth Club' that Malachi would have been in if I carried him to term.

2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!

3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!

4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!

5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!

6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.



I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.

Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump [Official Video]

This song is beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes automatically. A friend of mine on Facebook shared it with me and I am going to share it with you guys. It does bring a bit of healing a long with it. :) Enjoy and grab your tissues!

Alone....?!

Tonight, before I lay my head on the pillow there are so many feelings going through my mind and body.
I feel so anxious, alone, distant and disconnected. My hormones are going wild and leaving me beside myself.
I know I'm not alone....I think! I know people have gone through this before. But I feel like I'm in a sort of wilderness I've never been in before and am not sure how to navigate my way back to civilization. It's the oddest thing, it's like watching your life unfold in front of you while you just take a backseat because you simply don't have the strength to sit in the front and steer anymore. This is where I am this week... Easter is coming up this weekend, and I have no desire to make Easter baskets or get eggs ready for my girls to hunt. I'd really like to have my life back on track and feel some sense of normalcy again. It almost feels impossible. And I'm wondering if that 'normalcy' will ever return.
Please keep praying for me! I don't feel like I've really talked to anyone lately. Kind of like many people are like; " It's been a month, get over it!" That just isn't the case and probably isn't for most people. I'd like to happily 'get over IT'. But my IT isn't just an IT! My IT happens to be a little boy named Malachi who stole my heart and part of my mind apparently and you just can't get over IT in a day let a lone a life time!!! But the question remains, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I move on from this point?" My arms are empty, my heart aches and I feel like I'm suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when in fact I just feel like I'm falling apart inside. I hate it as much as my loved ones around me can sense it, but feel helpless on what to do.
I go back to my OB tomorrow morning to see if there is anything we can do to help with the hormone fluctuations or if it's just something I have to 'ride out'. I don't like taking anything that I may have to depend on for more than 2 mo. Especially artificial stuff that my body doesn't need. Hopefully she'll help get me started down the right direction or at least know which way I need to go next.

Good night all. I hope you're doing well!