So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.'
I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby.
Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job.
This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below:
Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:
2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!
3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!
4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!
5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!
6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.
I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.
Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)
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