Isolation Nation

                                 Photo from: ocelotbound.wordpress.com

Good morning! 

   At least I think it's good. I'm still trying to figure that out since my coffee addiction is being put off and I am suffering from withdrawals. haha 
  Recently, we moved into a nice duplex, and I have been super busy. When I get busy my mental status takes a backseat to the doing instead of being part of me. I'm reminded of Mary and Martha, when it comes to that. I'm trying so hard to get the house together to make it feel like a home that I mentally feel spaced out and inaccessible. 
 My poor husband hasn't had a real conversation with me in over a week. It's our usual..how was your day, how were the kids stuff. 

I haven't noticed until last night just how depressed and isolated I have become. I was in a large crowd, of people that I know and am usually very comfortable being around. But I haven't honestly been around those people since before I was pregnant with Malachi let alone after. I just felt like the one who stuck out like a sore thumb... " Like oh, 'She's the one that lost a baby'. I know most of them weren't thinking that, but I just felt like I had a mark or label on my head and just like I didn't belong. Like I belong in some sort of grieving convent or something. I know that most of this is probably me and my perception right now, but it's aggravating to realize this is where I am right now. It's been a while since I've had a good and deep conversation with anyone and it's all trapped inside my own head. There are many good things going on in my life right now, but there is also an overwhelming sense of grief. June is next month and it feels like the grief is growing deeper within my soul. Maybe I need another good cry in the shower moment?! I don't know. Something's got to give soon. Good grief I need some coffee! (Squirrel moment..don't mind me LOL) 

I'm trying my best not to go off of feelings or emotions, but it's so hard in the midst of this. Trying to push myself into being 'over it' or 'being ok'. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be okay, I know I've said that before; but I'm not sure I believed it before. I want so much to be okay. To be 'normal' or 'me' again. But honestly I don't know who those people are anymore. 
Maybe I'm finding my new normal still or the new me so to speak. It feels weird and odd. 

The girls especially Hannah, she says she misses Malachi a lot. And lately she's been asking if there's another baby in my tummy. I tell her no and ask if she wants another brother or sister, she replies, 'Brother!' She has enough sisters. She cracks me up. She's 5 years old but so old for her age! 
I'm trying to get mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for another pregnancy, but ultimately leaving it up to God. 

Lessons from Malachi pt. 1

Lesson 1: Health

 Take Better Care of Yourself Mom! 

Photo/Image Credit: Arian Armstrong (amazing artist btw)

In April of last year (2012), I got copper poisoning. It was horrible! I thought I was dying, literally. I got jaundice and every joint in my body hurt and was swollen. I looked like I was 3 months pregnant or more and was physically ill. But I wasn't sure how to get healthy again, other than to remove what was causing my illness. 

I did start taking herbal supplements that helped to regain balance in my body and eventually bring me back to some sort of functional health. Mentally, I still felt out of touch with reality and struggled with anxiety and depression, which for me was nothing new. It's something I've struggled with since I was a teenager. Although this health scare did knock a little bit of sense into me, I still just didn't feel right for months. 

In October we found out we were expecting Malachi. I was a little nervous, wondering if my copper levels had gone down to safe levels. I know that excess copper can be dangerous to pregnancies. Is that what caused Malachi's demise? We will never know. But I don't think so. 

After losing Malachi in February. I felt like God used that as a brick to my head telling me, "You really need to take better care of yourself!" I really didn't take care of myself when I was pregnant. I've already had 3 kids and know the do's and don'ts. But at this point, I don't think I was really active in protecting him or myself during this pregnancy. I didn't take my prenatal vitamin as often as I should have, I didn't eat healthy, I ate junk quite often. Did drink a little bit of wine on 2 separate occasions....not more than 1/2 a glass, but I never drank with the other kids. I craved it like it was going out of style and knew that it was okay every once in a while. ( I know some of you right now are probably thinking, 'No wonder!') Oh well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion.I also didn't see a Dr. until I was 19 wks...2 weeks before he passed away. Do I feel guilty or regret these things. Of course! If I could go back and do things differently, I definitely would! But do I think that doing this differently would have had a better outcome? No, honestly I don't.
 I don't think it had much to do with me and what I did or didn't do. I have eaten junk with my other kids, I ate what I craved. They all turned out healthy little troopers. I didn't take my prenatal much with my last daughter just like I didn't with Malachi. They would make me sicker. It was just something I would rather replace with the different types of foods with those nutrients or vitamins in them. I felt alright with both of those pregnancies, up until I started to get sick with Malachi...not knowing he had passed. I noticed my stomach had started to feel ill again and I was swelling abnormally. That was about week before I had Malachi, everyone in my family had gotten the stomach flu but me so I thought that's what was going on with me...I was getting the stomach flu. Then 3 days prior to his birth I started to feel even worse and started swelling. I knew something wasn't right. I had an appointment scheduled for the coming Monday and waited until then. 
Ok lets get back on track...back to healthy me... 

Malachi's death has taught me that there's much more to life even in death and grieving. I can only do so much. What I have control over is me. God had been talking to me before my pregnancy anyways to get healthy, take better care of myself. Watch what things I'm putting into my body and mind and soul. 
GMO's...have any of you really looked into what they really are? Scary stuff! And Monsanto? Really!!? I've started to eat more whole foods, unprocessed and I've cut out soda except Sierra Mist. I drink more herbal tea than ever. Take my vitamins regularly and get a pretty decent workout chasing my 3 crazy girls. Although I think I could stand to get some good cardio in sometimes. That will come in time though! 

Mind: Surround yourself with positive people who encourage you and lift you up in prayer and in their speech. I've been surrounded by a certain negative person for too long. It is past time to cut ties even if this person happens to be family. Watch what music I was allowing myself to listen to. Is it encouraging? Or vulgar? Or .....? There were many .....?'s. So I've been slowly removing those things. 

Soul: Stick close to the Lord in prayer, song and Word! I cannot emphasize these 3 things enough. It is SO easy to stray back into the normal routine of doing things on your own that you feel like I don't have time or need for these things. But they are essential to health and life period!! The enemy can creep in like a thief in the night and steal your joy, peace and patience along with many other parts of you. So bury yourself in Christ, in the sense that the devil can't mess with you, because he's got to go through Christ first to get to you!!! Don't put yourself out there with out your biggest and best protection...Christ!! 

So for Malachi and the rest of my family, my health is essential to their lives and well beings as well as mine and I think for the first time I'm starting to understand that better and in a whole new light! 

If you are struggling with caring for yourself after your loss. Don't give up hope! Sometimes focusing on your grief will show you how you can better take care of yourself than you could have thought about otherwise. It's kind of weird how it works, but your life is not over. It may only be starting...only differently. Nothing will be normal again, but a new normal...it's up to you to chose if that new normal will be good or bad! I hope you are able to take away a lesson of some kind from my lesson from Malachi and Jesus! Your grief is not your own, God gave it to you and your grieving is different from others, but it is not your own. It has not claimed you, but you need to claim it and not allow it to overcome you. I do pray for you momma's and papa's out there trying to find some good in the midst of the bad. Hang on! It will come around the corner soon. If you haven't read the book, "Heaven is For Real!" you should really read it, I think that is one of the most amazing gifts I have received lately. 

I think I will end this post here and hope that someone somewhere gained something out of this post they could use. God bless you all and may you all rest in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father tonight or today like you have not be able to before! 
Peace! 

Slow Your Roll (A Lightbulb Moment)

So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.' 

I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby. 

Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job. 

This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below: 

Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:

1. Got back on my BabyCenter page and started looking around at my 'Birth Club' that Malachi would have been in if I carried him to term.

2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!

3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!

4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!

5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!

6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.



I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.

Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)

Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Grieving Malachi Pt. 1

It's been a rough week. Today is a rough day. I need to write, just to get the thoughts out of my own head to quit tormenting me. I went in Monday for a routine check up with the OB, to find out our little one had no heart beat. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. I hadn't felt so much of a twitch in weeks. I didn't think much of it, because he wasn't as active as my girls were, so I just thought he was the calm, lazy one. But something in the back of my mind told me to be prepared if he wasn't.
 In the ultrasound room with my Dr. and the tech, I just let loose the tears. Adam was at home sick. I didn't feel alone thankfully, I knew Jesus was right there with me. It didn't keep the sting from being any less severe, but I knew that he was there! Malachi passed away shortly after my 20 wk anatomy ultrasound, which showed everything and every little part growing perfectly. But something had happened, we just didn't know what or why.

Tuesday at 5 am was the scheduled 'birth'/induction date. Since I was going on 24 weeks, I would have to go through labor like normal, but thankfully, I wouldn't have to reach the full 10 cm like 'normal'. They gave me an IV with fluids and the rest was by mouth or the 'other end'. I attempted to have an epidural, but when she hit spinal fluid, I knew she would have to find a new spot and do it again. At that point I said forget it! Shortly after that at 1:20 pm he was 'born'. There is nothing on earth that could have prepared me for that moment! I didn't want to see or experience giving birth to my dead child and it keeps playing over in my mind. A lifeless little body, that resembled a baby, but it just wasn't. He had his daddy's lips and chin. And my nose. Why did God quit knitting him? What went wrong? Why?! Why?

I didn't feel prepared at all to have another baby in the house, but I've viewed every child as a miracle and God's blessing no matter the timing. He will give you want you can handle! We have 3 girls, this was supposed to be our boy..the one that would complete our family. Am I angry? Not at God, a little at myself. I see a purpose and a plan for this, but it hurts like hell.

No parent should ever have to go to a funeral home to bury or cremate their child that they didn't really even get to know. It's just not fair or right. I am however thankful that he is with Jesus in His loving arms and will never know the pain, fear and struggles of this world or life. I almost feel like that's more fair than him being here with me and my family.

I don't think it's fair that my body still senses the need to wake up every few hours to feed a baby that isn't there. My arms feel empty and my heart is sick. That part pisses me off. My head knows, but my body doesn't.

Honestly though, I almost knew from the very beginning that we weren't 'playing for keeps' with this little guy. I never felt like I was pregnant other than seeing myself be. I didn't have a change in appetite other than not wanting to eat as much. I hesitated when buying things to 'prepare' for him.I didn't have that sense of well being, like most pregnant women do. It just didn't feel right. But I just attributed those feelings to, it's a boy. I'm used to girls. So, it's supposed to feel different, right?! RIGHT?!

The Dr said we could try again in a few months since I'm healthy and the baby was. It looked like there was a thin spot in his umbilical cord, meaning he tangled himself up too much at one point and cut off his oxygen or something else went wrong with the umbilical cord. I don't know if I want any more children at this point, but I do feel the sense of in-completion/unfulfilled. I think that is to be expected though!

I'm sure I'll be writing more since it helps, but this is it for now. It's been a rough day!