Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Ode to Superwoman

Good bye Super Woman, Hello Super Mom! ;)

This morning I'm sitting here at the computer with my cup of coffee (decaf), thinking about Super Woman. What were her attributes? Also thinking I'm not the Super woman I thought I was. While Googling the super hero fenom. I came across this video, I don't think I've ever heard this song from Alicia Keys. I love her voice and soulful sound and this song is perfect for how I am feeling currently.  

Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I've been trying to do too many things and keep myself busy. It all came crashing down around me. I need to realize that I can do many things and multitask well, but ultimately if my 'plate' becomes too full then something is going to go lacking. March 4th I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree online. Online schooling can be pretty demanding at times, but does work around my busy schedule. I also went back to work that day after having 2 weeks off. It felt good to get back, but at the same time bittersweet. My girls and I had a relaxing and healing time during those 2 weeks. So, what happened yesterday? I got written up for 2 things, 1 thing I knew I needed to work on. The other for something I'm fairly sure I did, but could not find the proof or anything stating otherwise. Work is usually my refuge from my crazy home...it's good to get out with other adults and have an adult conversation, make some money and then go home at the end of the night feeling like you accomplished something other than wiping noses and butts for no compensation other than an, "I love you Mom" and sometimes you don't even get that. It wears on you. After yesterday and everything just weighing on my 'super mom' shoulders I've been lead to the decision to be back at home. 

My husband by the way got a new job within the same week he was fired from the previous one. Thank you Jesus! It was a complete and total God thing! Along with this job for him, comes the ability for me to be able to stay home. It will replace both of our incomes and eventually give us extra. I'm still wondering if it's too good to be true. But I'm trying my best to have faith that God is the one who placed this job in Adam's path and that He will be the one to sustain it and bless it. I loved my job and still do, I just don't feel like I can do the best job there while my mind is at home and school. For me it's just too much and I've been messing things up. 

Oh and my lovely body just decided to take a dump on me too. I've been sick for about 2 weeks now, I think. I don't know..it's felt like along time. And my hormones have also decided to kick in overtime. So it seems like I've got a bit of post partum depression...which SUCKS!!! So for any of my friends who I've hung up on, started crying out of no where with, or just been irrational. I am sorry!! 

My goal that has been on my heart since having Malachi is to get healthy. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There has to be balance and I need to find it. My family needs me to find it. My approach: natural vitamin and mineral supplements, exercise and organic, low to no processed foods and limiting my sugar intake. Wish me luck!