Slow Your Roll (A Lightbulb Moment)

So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.' 

I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby. 

Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job. 

This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below: 

Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:

1. Got back on my BabyCenter page and started looking around at my 'Birth Club' that Malachi would have been in if I carried him to term.

2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!

3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!

4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!

5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!

6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.



I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.

Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)

Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Ode to Superwoman

Good bye Super Woman, Hello Super Mom! ;)

This morning I'm sitting here at the computer with my cup of coffee (decaf), thinking about Super Woman. What were her attributes? Also thinking I'm not the Super woman I thought I was. While Googling the super hero fenom. I came across this video, I don't think I've ever heard this song from Alicia Keys. I love her voice and soulful sound and this song is perfect for how I am feeling currently.  

Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I've been trying to do too many things and keep myself busy. It all came crashing down around me. I need to realize that I can do many things and multitask well, but ultimately if my 'plate' becomes too full then something is going to go lacking. March 4th I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree online. Online schooling can be pretty demanding at times, but does work around my busy schedule. I also went back to work that day after having 2 weeks off. It felt good to get back, but at the same time bittersweet. My girls and I had a relaxing and healing time during those 2 weeks. So, what happened yesterday? I got written up for 2 things, 1 thing I knew I needed to work on. The other for something I'm fairly sure I did, but could not find the proof or anything stating otherwise. Work is usually my refuge from my crazy home...it's good to get out with other adults and have an adult conversation, make some money and then go home at the end of the night feeling like you accomplished something other than wiping noses and butts for no compensation other than an, "I love you Mom" and sometimes you don't even get that. It wears on you. After yesterday and everything just weighing on my 'super mom' shoulders I've been lead to the decision to be back at home. 

My husband by the way got a new job within the same week he was fired from the previous one. Thank you Jesus! It was a complete and total God thing! Along with this job for him, comes the ability for me to be able to stay home. It will replace both of our incomes and eventually give us extra. I'm still wondering if it's too good to be true. But I'm trying my best to have faith that God is the one who placed this job in Adam's path and that He will be the one to sustain it and bless it. I loved my job and still do, I just don't feel like I can do the best job there while my mind is at home and school. For me it's just too much and I've been messing things up. 

Oh and my lovely body just decided to take a dump on me too. I've been sick for about 2 weeks now, I think. I don't know..it's felt like along time. And my hormones have also decided to kick in overtime. So it seems like I've got a bit of post partum depression...which SUCKS!!! So for any of my friends who I've hung up on, started crying out of no where with, or just been irrational. I am sorry!! 

My goal that has been on my heart since having Malachi is to get healthy. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There has to be balance and I need to find it. My family needs me to find it. My approach: natural vitamin and mineral supplements, exercise and organic, low to no processed foods and limiting my sugar intake. Wish me luck!