Slow Your Roll (A Lightbulb Moment)

So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.' 

I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby. 

Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job. 

This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below: 

Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:

1. Got back on my BabyCenter page and started looking around at my 'Birth Club' that Malachi would have been in if I carried him to term.

2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!

3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!

4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!

5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!

6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.



I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.

Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)

Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump [Official Video]

This song is beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes automatically. A friend of mine on Facebook shared it with me and I am going to share it with you guys. It does bring a bit of healing a long with it. :) Enjoy and grab your tissues!

Alone....?!

Tonight, before I lay my head on the pillow there are so many feelings going through my mind and body.
I feel so anxious, alone, distant and disconnected. My hormones are going wild and leaving me beside myself.
I know I'm not alone....I think! I know people have gone through this before. But I feel like I'm in a sort of wilderness I've never been in before and am not sure how to navigate my way back to civilization. It's the oddest thing, it's like watching your life unfold in front of you while you just take a backseat because you simply don't have the strength to sit in the front and steer anymore. This is where I am this week... Easter is coming up this weekend, and I have no desire to make Easter baskets or get eggs ready for my girls to hunt. I'd really like to have my life back on track and feel some sense of normalcy again. It almost feels impossible. And I'm wondering if that 'normalcy' will ever return.
Please keep praying for me! I don't feel like I've really talked to anyone lately. Kind of like many people are like; " It's been a month, get over it!" That just isn't the case and probably isn't for most people. I'd like to happily 'get over IT'. But my IT isn't just an IT! My IT happens to be a little boy named Malachi who stole my heart and part of my mind apparently and you just can't get over IT in a day let a lone a life time!!! But the question remains, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I move on from this point?" My arms are empty, my heart aches and I feel like I'm suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when in fact I just feel like I'm falling apart inside. I hate it as much as my loved ones around me can sense it, but feel helpless on what to do.
I go back to my OB tomorrow morning to see if there is anything we can do to help with the hormone fluctuations or if it's just something I have to 'ride out'. I don't like taking anything that I may have to depend on for more than 2 mo. Especially artificial stuff that my body doesn't need. Hopefully she'll help get me started down the right direction or at least know which way I need to go next.

Good night all. I hope you're doing well!

Grieving Malachi Pt. 1

It's been a rough week. Today is a rough day. I need to write, just to get the thoughts out of my own head to quit tormenting me. I went in Monday for a routine check up with the OB, to find out our little one had no heart beat. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. I hadn't felt so much of a twitch in weeks. I didn't think much of it, because he wasn't as active as my girls were, so I just thought he was the calm, lazy one. But something in the back of my mind told me to be prepared if he wasn't.
 In the ultrasound room with my Dr. and the tech, I just let loose the tears. Adam was at home sick. I didn't feel alone thankfully, I knew Jesus was right there with me. It didn't keep the sting from being any less severe, but I knew that he was there! Malachi passed away shortly after my 20 wk anatomy ultrasound, which showed everything and every little part growing perfectly. But something had happened, we just didn't know what or why.

Tuesday at 5 am was the scheduled 'birth'/induction date. Since I was going on 24 weeks, I would have to go through labor like normal, but thankfully, I wouldn't have to reach the full 10 cm like 'normal'. They gave me an IV with fluids and the rest was by mouth or the 'other end'. I attempted to have an epidural, but when she hit spinal fluid, I knew she would have to find a new spot and do it again. At that point I said forget it! Shortly after that at 1:20 pm he was 'born'. There is nothing on earth that could have prepared me for that moment! I didn't want to see or experience giving birth to my dead child and it keeps playing over in my mind. A lifeless little body, that resembled a baby, but it just wasn't. He had his daddy's lips and chin. And my nose. Why did God quit knitting him? What went wrong? Why?! Why?

I didn't feel prepared at all to have another baby in the house, but I've viewed every child as a miracle and God's blessing no matter the timing. He will give you want you can handle! We have 3 girls, this was supposed to be our boy..the one that would complete our family. Am I angry? Not at God, a little at myself. I see a purpose and a plan for this, but it hurts like hell.

No parent should ever have to go to a funeral home to bury or cremate their child that they didn't really even get to know. It's just not fair or right. I am however thankful that he is with Jesus in His loving arms and will never know the pain, fear and struggles of this world or life. I almost feel like that's more fair than him being here with me and my family.

I don't think it's fair that my body still senses the need to wake up every few hours to feed a baby that isn't there. My arms feel empty and my heart is sick. That part pisses me off. My head knows, but my body doesn't.

Honestly though, I almost knew from the very beginning that we weren't 'playing for keeps' with this little guy. I never felt like I was pregnant other than seeing myself be. I didn't have a change in appetite other than not wanting to eat as much. I hesitated when buying things to 'prepare' for him.I didn't have that sense of well being, like most pregnant women do. It just didn't feel right. But I just attributed those feelings to, it's a boy. I'm used to girls. So, it's supposed to feel different, right?! RIGHT?!

The Dr said we could try again in a few months since I'm healthy and the baby was. It looked like there was a thin spot in his umbilical cord, meaning he tangled himself up too much at one point and cut off his oxygen or something else went wrong with the umbilical cord. I don't know if I want any more children at this point, but I do feel the sense of in-completion/unfulfilled. I think that is to be expected though!

I'm sure I'll be writing more since it helps, but this is it for now. It's been a rough day!

Grieving Malachi Pt. 2

As I'm sitting here gathering some things that I've wanted to take pictures of things I want to share and finding songs on YouTube that have helped me out in the midst of everything.

I have come across Malachi's ultrasound pictures. Even then, I knew something was wrong. I don't know why or how, because they told me everything was fine and looked great. But when I saw his head tucked down to his chest. I had a sinking feeling. I just knew that wasn't right. He had plenty of room in there! The ultrasound tech went on to show me his precious, sweet face in 4D. Those pictures are amazing! But with finding these pictures and looking through them, I've got my box of Kleenex next to me. I miss him! I didn't know him, but I miss him. I just want to hold him, kiss his sweet face.

Anyways, we brought him home Sunday evening. Like this. No parent should ever have to bring their baby home like this! This hurt beyond words can express!! I cried off and on from the time Adam brought him to the car until I went to bed that night. There is nothing warm and cuddly about this. I did hug and kiss the urn. For what good it does, it brings a sense of comfort knowing that he is home with us at least his ashes are. I find great comfort in knowing that his little spirit is being cared for by our Heavenly Father. Before we called the funeral home to pick him up. We held him one last time. I touched his little hands and feet one last time. I kissed his little head. He was so fragile. It did my body better in the sense that labor didn't last that long for me, but the two weeks he was left in there, was not good for his body. That was a harsh reality. He was a baby, but not what one would expect to see right after birth, being alive or dead. We did take pictures, but I won't be sharing those.

Sunday evening Adam and I were able to take a walk together alone. Some dear friends of ours watched our girls for us. We took a walk along the river in Cotter. It was so beautiful. Since we came home from the hospital Wednesday, we hadn't really talked much about anything other than the necessary things. It felt like a wall was being put up between us. We just didn't know what to say to each other. Tuesday night when we said our final, 'Goodbye'. We held each other in tears, no words were needed. I'm so thankful that we have each other no matter what. This walk allowed us time to talk about the ,'Now what?' aspect of things. Things happened so fast from Monday to Tuesday and throughout the week. I just felt shocked and like I couldn't move. What was I supposed to be doing other than taking care of the girls and myself? Before we learned of what happened to Malachi. We were in the process of preparing to move, somewhere. So, our first step forward is to find a new larger home for rent for all of us and our stuff. :) Our little apartment has been outgrown.

When we had Addisyn we felt like we were done having kids. We had enough for us. But when we learned we were expecting Malachi, we were overwhelmed and scared. Our babies would only be 19 mo. apart.  When we found out it was a boy, we were so excited. I don't know why that changed my perspective and attitude. I've always wanted a son, I don't know why and now wish I could just be content having my girls. Adam is completely happy with his little princess' and I'm very thankful for that, he's a wonderful dad! I just feel like someone is missing and well, he is. I get a little bitter, frustrated and jealous when I see people with their little boys or are pregnant with boys. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can't have boys or something. I feel cheated. I know this sounds wrong and well this is where I am right now. It sucks, but I know it will pass too. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those of you who have boys. It just kind of hurts right now, I think of the 'what ifs' or the mile stones I would have gotten to experience with Malachi, but now I don't. That just hurts.

I had to ask Adam if he wanted any more kids. After losing Malachi, I feel unfulfilled or incomplete. It may pass and it may not. I don't know, but I needed to know his answer on the topic. At the hospital, he said a clear and flat out, 'No!'. I was devastated! I didn't even know in the hospital if I wanted anymore. How could he make a decision right there. But on the other hand I did ask him.

So this walk gave us time to think about it more and give a more clear thought answer to the question. I want one more. When I was pregnant with Malachi. I felt the Lord had given me two names. I thought for a while that we were having twins. I got big fast. I told Adam what they were and he said the second was just too much for a middle name. The name was Zechariah, but would most likely be Zachariah or Zack for short. It means; The Lord Remembers. So, maybe one day we will have a son because the Lord remembers!? I keep thinking about Sarah and Hannah in the Bible. Why was their desire to have a son? Why is it my desire to have a son? Adam gave me the answer of; 'Yes, just not right now.' and I'm okay with that. I'm not ready to have anymore kids any time in the near future. Addisyn needs potty trained, I want to see how Hannah will do in homeschooling this next year. Lilly is just cool with whatever, which makes my life a lot easier. We'll probably try to get some sort of preschool curriculum for her to do while Hannah is doing her school work. I'd also like to see us a little more stable in some areas before we add one more to our litter. :)