Grasping for a Safe Haven

This is where I turn when I feel I have no where else to go, hide or find safety from the hurt I feel inside. I wish I could just hide behind my husband and that things people say or do wouldn't hurt me so deeply in the ways that they do. My husband is a big strong, yet gentle guy and is a huge comfort to me.

 In any other circumstance the things that are being said would be completely appropriate for my ears and well they are now, but my heart cannot handle them. When someone announces a pregnancy or a new baby, I want to throw up. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
  As of June 13th. I have felt like I'm walking in an alternate universe. One that isn't right. One that my son does not live in and I do. I hate it. I want out, but I know that I ultimately don't. I don't want to leave my girls and husband to fend for themselves without a wife and a mother. I know that Malachi doesn't need me, but that he's more than adequately taken care of by our Heavenly Father. But I feel like a HUGE part of me is missing and even more greatly so than before. Malachi was due June 13th. I wonder what he would look like at almost a month old and how his chubby cheeks would feel against my mouth as they kissed them. Or how heavy he would feel in my arms, but yet so warm and alive. I will never feel those things with him, not on this side of heaven, and inwardly it's killing me!

This past month I could have sworn up and down that I was pregnant again. I was so excited and even told a few people. But apparently that was not so. I was late, not normal for me at all. However, I am highly stressed as we just moved again for the second time in two months. I feel like I'm teetering on a mental and emotional breakdown. Last month was the first month we just let things go and said if there's a baby great and if not that's okay too, but I can't help but feeling like my body failed me again. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had the problem of not getting pregnant. LOL So?! This is new for me. (7-11-13 After reading this paragraph, I should have put it a little more clearly that we've only been 'trying' for a month and this past month was a no go on the baby front. Which is okay, I need to give myself some slack and relax! A baby will come again when it's time, and I know that. If not, I'll be okay and beyond blessed by our 3 girls!)

I cannot bare to be at church right now to be around some insensitive people who don't realize they are being such. Or to walk around the baby section in Walmart. It's just too hard right now. I don't want to deal with it. I thought I was doing so much better than I am now, but obviously am not. There are no counselors that can really help me...all I get asked is... ' How does .... make you feel?' or other stupid things that help no one through anything except your ability to lose your money. haha I'd rather talk to close friends or family.
This is where I am and I hate it. I want out, but don't feel like there is a way out without Malachi. :( So please say a prayer or two for me if you read this.
Thanks!!

Lessons from Malachi pt. 1

Lesson 1: Health

 Take Better Care of Yourself Mom! 

Photo/Image Credit: Arian Armstrong (amazing artist btw)

In April of last year (2012), I got copper poisoning. It was horrible! I thought I was dying, literally. I got jaundice and every joint in my body hurt and was swollen. I looked like I was 3 months pregnant or more and was physically ill. But I wasn't sure how to get healthy again, other than to remove what was causing my illness. 

I did start taking herbal supplements that helped to regain balance in my body and eventually bring me back to some sort of functional health. Mentally, I still felt out of touch with reality and struggled with anxiety and depression, which for me was nothing new. It's something I've struggled with since I was a teenager. Although this health scare did knock a little bit of sense into me, I still just didn't feel right for months. 

In October we found out we were expecting Malachi. I was a little nervous, wondering if my copper levels had gone down to safe levels. I know that excess copper can be dangerous to pregnancies. Is that what caused Malachi's demise? We will never know. But I don't think so. 

After losing Malachi in February. I felt like God used that as a brick to my head telling me, "You really need to take better care of yourself!" I really didn't take care of myself when I was pregnant. I've already had 3 kids and know the do's and don'ts. But at this point, I don't think I was really active in protecting him or myself during this pregnancy. I didn't take my prenatal vitamin as often as I should have, I didn't eat healthy, I ate junk quite often. Did drink a little bit of wine on 2 separate occasions....not more than 1/2 a glass, but I never drank with the other kids. I craved it like it was going out of style and knew that it was okay every once in a while. ( I know some of you right now are probably thinking, 'No wonder!') Oh well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion.I also didn't see a Dr. until I was 19 wks...2 weeks before he passed away. Do I feel guilty or regret these things. Of course! If I could go back and do things differently, I definitely would! But do I think that doing this differently would have had a better outcome? No, honestly I don't.
 I don't think it had much to do with me and what I did or didn't do. I have eaten junk with my other kids, I ate what I craved. They all turned out healthy little troopers. I didn't take my prenatal much with my last daughter just like I didn't with Malachi. They would make me sicker. It was just something I would rather replace with the different types of foods with those nutrients or vitamins in them. I felt alright with both of those pregnancies, up until I started to get sick with Malachi...not knowing he had passed. I noticed my stomach had started to feel ill again and I was swelling abnormally. That was about week before I had Malachi, everyone in my family had gotten the stomach flu but me so I thought that's what was going on with me...I was getting the stomach flu. Then 3 days prior to his birth I started to feel even worse and started swelling. I knew something wasn't right. I had an appointment scheduled for the coming Monday and waited until then. 
Ok lets get back on track...back to healthy me... 

Malachi's death has taught me that there's much more to life even in death and grieving. I can only do so much. What I have control over is me. God had been talking to me before my pregnancy anyways to get healthy, take better care of myself. Watch what things I'm putting into my body and mind and soul. 
GMO's...have any of you really looked into what they really are? Scary stuff! And Monsanto? Really!!? I've started to eat more whole foods, unprocessed and I've cut out soda except Sierra Mist. I drink more herbal tea than ever. Take my vitamins regularly and get a pretty decent workout chasing my 3 crazy girls. Although I think I could stand to get some good cardio in sometimes. That will come in time though! 

Mind: Surround yourself with positive people who encourage you and lift you up in prayer and in their speech. I've been surrounded by a certain negative person for too long. It is past time to cut ties even if this person happens to be family. Watch what music I was allowing myself to listen to. Is it encouraging? Or vulgar? Or .....? There were many .....?'s. So I've been slowly removing those things. 

Soul: Stick close to the Lord in prayer, song and Word! I cannot emphasize these 3 things enough. It is SO easy to stray back into the normal routine of doing things on your own that you feel like I don't have time or need for these things. But they are essential to health and life period!! The enemy can creep in like a thief in the night and steal your joy, peace and patience along with many other parts of you. So bury yourself in Christ, in the sense that the devil can't mess with you, because he's got to go through Christ first to get to you!!! Don't put yourself out there with out your biggest and best protection...Christ!! 

So for Malachi and the rest of my family, my health is essential to their lives and well beings as well as mine and I think for the first time I'm starting to understand that better and in a whole new light! 

If you are struggling with caring for yourself after your loss. Don't give up hope! Sometimes focusing on your grief will show you how you can better take care of yourself than you could have thought about otherwise. It's kind of weird how it works, but your life is not over. It may only be starting...only differently. Nothing will be normal again, but a new normal...it's up to you to chose if that new normal will be good or bad! I hope you are able to take away a lesson of some kind from my lesson from Malachi and Jesus! Your grief is not your own, God gave it to you and your grieving is different from others, but it is not your own. It has not claimed you, but you need to claim it and not allow it to overcome you. I do pray for you momma's and papa's out there trying to find some good in the midst of the bad. Hang on! It will come around the corner soon. If you haven't read the book, "Heaven is For Real!" you should really read it, I think that is one of the most amazing gifts I have received lately. 

I think I will end this post here and hope that someone somewhere gained something out of this post they could use. God bless you all and may you all rest in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father tonight or today like you have not be able to before! 
Peace! 

Alone....?!

Tonight, before I lay my head on the pillow there are so many feelings going through my mind and body.
I feel so anxious, alone, distant and disconnected. My hormones are going wild and leaving me beside myself.
I know I'm not alone....I think! I know people have gone through this before. But I feel like I'm in a sort of wilderness I've never been in before and am not sure how to navigate my way back to civilization. It's the oddest thing, it's like watching your life unfold in front of you while you just take a backseat because you simply don't have the strength to sit in the front and steer anymore. This is where I am this week... Easter is coming up this weekend, and I have no desire to make Easter baskets or get eggs ready for my girls to hunt. I'd really like to have my life back on track and feel some sense of normalcy again. It almost feels impossible. And I'm wondering if that 'normalcy' will ever return.
Please keep praying for me! I don't feel like I've really talked to anyone lately. Kind of like many people are like; " It's been a month, get over it!" That just isn't the case and probably isn't for most people. I'd like to happily 'get over IT'. But my IT isn't just an IT! My IT happens to be a little boy named Malachi who stole my heart and part of my mind apparently and you just can't get over IT in a day let a lone a life time!!! But the question remains, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I move on from this point?" My arms are empty, my heart aches and I feel like I'm suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when in fact I just feel like I'm falling apart inside. I hate it as much as my loved ones around me can sense it, but feel helpless on what to do.
I go back to my OB tomorrow morning to see if there is anything we can do to help with the hormone fluctuations or if it's just something I have to 'ride out'. I don't like taking anything that I may have to depend on for more than 2 mo. Especially artificial stuff that my body doesn't need. Hopefully she'll help get me started down the right direction or at least know which way I need to go next.

Good night all. I hope you're doing well!

Going Through the Motions

Today ( Sun. 3/10/13) I got the not so fantastic idea to clean out my girls things and start getting ready for the next season and sizes. Since they're all 2 years apart I have one that's almost out grown all of her 18 mo. clothes and needs bigger ones. So I pull out the boxes and lo and behold I find some things that are gender neutral. What do I start doing?! Thinking about Malachi, he would have looked adorable in this or that. I start putting those things aside for the possible next baby. 

Some things have gotten easier, but some things have not. Hannah my oldest, pulled my shirt up today and said, " I miss Malachi and your tummy is getting back to normal again." THEN Lilly my middle child chimes in, " When is Malachi waking up and coming back?" We've told her about the Death and Resurrection of Jesus so I think this is what she is associating death with. She asks many times a day and week when Malachi is coming back. It truly breaks my heart! I often wonder if it would be easier to have another baby soon just so the questions like these will stop. Again, I know that even for them, there will be no replacing their baby brother or as they knew him their 'bubby'. I think it would just refocus them onto someone else who would be new. (Sorry, my thinking is probably way screwed up right now, so please excuse my temporary lunacy).  We've found some of his clothes that were given to us in the laundry that have brought up more conversation this past week. 

These things don't seem to affect Adam as much as they do me. I know that he still thinks about Malachi at times, but he never got to the point of fantasizing about the future with him. Since he couldn't see him or feel him like I could. But I know too, that the stress of this loss has been taking it's toll on Adam as well. He seems to be a bit more quiet or irritable at times too. I've always wondered why God would allow someone to have a child or be pregnant with one or more then just take it/them away?! I struggle with that right now. I see some purposes for it, but ultimately I just don't get it. Adam has not read this blog to my knowledge. I think he's dealing with things in his own ways and we do talk about it occasionally, but not often. We try to go on about our daily business and taking care of our other kids. I really do not think either one of us are in denial what so ever....some days I think it would be nice. Like waking up from a bad dream. But we all know that's not going to happen. 

Something I have found that help is that I am still preparing for another child. I know that some day we will have one more. It gives me hope. And this way we won't have to rush with trying to get the things we absolutely need in time for their arrival. After 3 kids most things that we have or have had are worn out and need replaced. So, I plan on slowly replacing them...ie Bassinet, bouncer, dresser, etc... 

If anyone has been through the loss of a sibling or is a parent who has gone through this before, please leave some comments below and let me know of what helped you through this. Like books, counseling, or anything really. Thank you! 

I think I'll end it here for today. It is dinner time here and I have had very little appetite yet, but I still need to feed the rest of the family. Have a great week everyone and I'll write more later. 

God bless!