Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Going Through the Motions

Today ( Sun. 3/10/13) I got the not so fantastic idea to clean out my girls things and start getting ready for the next season and sizes. Since they're all 2 years apart I have one that's almost out grown all of her 18 mo. clothes and needs bigger ones. So I pull out the boxes and lo and behold I find some things that are gender neutral. What do I start doing?! Thinking about Malachi, he would have looked adorable in this or that. I start putting those things aside for the possible next baby. 

Some things have gotten easier, but some things have not. Hannah my oldest, pulled my shirt up today and said, " I miss Malachi and your tummy is getting back to normal again." THEN Lilly my middle child chimes in, " When is Malachi waking up and coming back?" We've told her about the Death and Resurrection of Jesus so I think this is what she is associating death with. She asks many times a day and week when Malachi is coming back. It truly breaks my heart! I often wonder if it would be easier to have another baby soon just so the questions like these will stop. Again, I know that even for them, there will be no replacing their baby brother or as they knew him their 'bubby'. I think it would just refocus them onto someone else who would be new. (Sorry, my thinking is probably way screwed up right now, so please excuse my temporary lunacy).  We've found some of his clothes that were given to us in the laundry that have brought up more conversation this past week. 

These things don't seem to affect Adam as much as they do me. I know that he still thinks about Malachi at times, but he never got to the point of fantasizing about the future with him. Since he couldn't see him or feel him like I could. But I know too, that the stress of this loss has been taking it's toll on Adam as well. He seems to be a bit more quiet or irritable at times too. I've always wondered why God would allow someone to have a child or be pregnant with one or more then just take it/them away?! I struggle with that right now. I see some purposes for it, but ultimately I just don't get it. Adam has not read this blog to my knowledge. I think he's dealing with things in his own ways and we do talk about it occasionally, but not often. We try to go on about our daily business and taking care of our other kids. I really do not think either one of us are in denial what so ever....some days I think it would be nice. Like waking up from a bad dream. But we all know that's not going to happen. 

Something I have found that help is that I am still preparing for another child. I know that some day we will have one more. It gives me hope. And this way we won't have to rush with trying to get the things we absolutely need in time for their arrival. After 3 kids most things that we have or have had are worn out and need replaced. So, I plan on slowly replacing them...ie Bassinet, bouncer, dresser, etc... 

If anyone has been through the loss of a sibling or is a parent who has gone through this before, please leave some comments below and let me know of what helped you through this. Like books, counseling, or anything really. Thank you! 

I think I'll end it here for today. It is dinner time here and I have had very little appetite yet, but I still need to feed the rest of the family. Have a great week everyone and I'll write more later. 

God bless!

Grieving Malachi Pt. 1

It's been a rough week. Today is a rough day. I need to write, just to get the thoughts out of my own head to quit tormenting me. I went in Monday for a routine check up with the OB, to find out our little one had no heart beat. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. I hadn't felt so much of a twitch in weeks. I didn't think much of it, because he wasn't as active as my girls were, so I just thought he was the calm, lazy one. But something in the back of my mind told me to be prepared if he wasn't.
 In the ultrasound room with my Dr. and the tech, I just let loose the tears. Adam was at home sick. I didn't feel alone thankfully, I knew Jesus was right there with me. It didn't keep the sting from being any less severe, but I knew that he was there! Malachi passed away shortly after my 20 wk anatomy ultrasound, which showed everything and every little part growing perfectly. But something had happened, we just didn't know what or why.

Tuesday at 5 am was the scheduled 'birth'/induction date. Since I was going on 24 weeks, I would have to go through labor like normal, but thankfully, I wouldn't have to reach the full 10 cm like 'normal'. They gave me an IV with fluids and the rest was by mouth or the 'other end'. I attempted to have an epidural, but when she hit spinal fluid, I knew she would have to find a new spot and do it again. At that point I said forget it! Shortly after that at 1:20 pm he was 'born'. There is nothing on earth that could have prepared me for that moment! I didn't want to see or experience giving birth to my dead child and it keeps playing over in my mind. A lifeless little body, that resembled a baby, but it just wasn't. He had his daddy's lips and chin. And my nose. Why did God quit knitting him? What went wrong? Why?! Why?

I didn't feel prepared at all to have another baby in the house, but I've viewed every child as a miracle and God's blessing no matter the timing. He will give you want you can handle! We have 3 girls, this was supposed to be our boy..the one that would complete our family. Am I angry? Not at God, a little at myself. I see a purpose and a plan for this, but it hurts like hell.

No parent should ever have to go to a funeral home to bury or cremate their child that they didn't really even get to know. It's just not fair or right. I am however thankful that he is with Jesus in His loving arms and will never know the pain, fear and struggles of this world or life. I almost feel like that's more fair than him being here with me and my family.

I don't think it's fair that my body still senses the need to wake up every few hours to feed a baby that isn't there. My arms feel empty and my heart is sick. That part pisses me off. My head knows, but my body doesn't.

Honestly though, I almost knew from the very beginning that we weren't 'playing for keeps' with this little guy. I never felt like I was pregnant other than seeing myself be. I didn't have a change in appetite other than not wanting to eat as much. I hesitated when buying things to 'prepare' for him.I didn't have that sense of well being, like most pregnant women do. It just didn't feel right. But I just attributed those feelings to, it's a boy. I'm used to girls. So, it's supposed to feel different, right?! RIGHT?!

The Dr said we could try again in a few months since I'm healthy and the baby was. It looked like there was a thin spot in his umbilical cord, meaning he tangled himself up too much at one point and cut off his oxygen or something else went wrong with the umbilical cord. I don't know if I want any more children at this point, but I do feel the sense of in-completion/unfulfilled. I think that is to be expected though!

I'm sure I'll be writing more since it helps, but this is it for now. It's been a rough day!