Going Through the Motions

Today ( Sun. 3/10/13) I got the not so fantastic idea to clean out my girls things and start getting ready for the next season and sizes. Since they're all 2 years apart I have one that's almost out grown all of her 18 mo. clothes and needs bigger ones. So I pull out the boxes and lo and behold I find some things that are gender neutral. What do I start doing?! Thinking about Malachi, he would have looked adorable in this or that. I start putting those things aside for the possible next baby. 

Some things have gotten easier, but some things have not. Hannah my oldest, pulled my shirt up today and said, " I miss Malachi and your tummy is getting back to normal again." THEN Lilly my middle child chimes in, " When is Malachi waking up and coming back?" We've told her about the Death and Resurrection of Jesus so I think this is what she is associating death with. She asks many times a day and week when Malachi is coming back. It truly breaks my heart! I often wonder if it would be easier to have another baby soon just so the questions like these will stop. Again, I know that even for them, there will be no replacing their baby brother or as they knew him their 'bubby'. I think it would just refocus them onto someone else who would be new. (Sorry, my thinking is probably way screwed up right now, so please excuse my temporary lunacy).  We've found some of his clothes that were given to us in the laundry that have brought up more conversation this past week. 

These things don't seem to affect Adam as much as they do me. I know that he still thinks about Malachi at times, but he never got to the point of fantasizing about the future with him. Since he couldn't see him or feel him like I could. But I know too, that the stress of this loss has been taking it's toll on Adam as well. He seems to be a bit more quiet or irritable at times too. I've always wondered why God would allow someone to have a child or be pregnant with one or more then just take it/them away?! I struggle with that right now. I see some purposes for it, but ultimately I just don't get it. Adam has not read this blog to my knowledge. I think he's dealing with things in his own ways and we do talk about it occasionally, but not often. We try to go on about our daily business and taking care of our other kids. I really do not think either one of us are in denial what so ever....some days I think it would be nice. Like waking up from a bad dream. But we all know that's not going to happen. 

Something I have found that help is that I am still preparing for another child. I know that some day we will have one more. It gives me hope. And this way we won't have to rush with trying to get the things we absolutely need in time for their arrival. After 3 kids most things that we have or have had are worn out and need replaced. So, I plan on slowly replacing them...ie Bassinet, bouncer, dresser, etc... 

If anyone has been through the loss of a sibling or is a parent who has gone through this before, please leave some comments below and let me know of what helped you through this. Like books, counseling, or anything really. Thank you! 

I think I'll end it here for today. It is dinner time here and I have had very little appetite yet, but I still need to feed the rest of the family. Have a great week everyone and I'll write more later. 

God bless!