It has been one heck of a week. I was finally able to get up and out of bed for longer than 5 minutes because of the horrible headaches from the try at the epidural. NEVER AGAIN!! I'd rather be shot. Seriously! That was Sunday. We went to church, tried to hide in the back, but our pastor found us and sent the flock to pray for us. I was still in pain and had to kind of lay on Adam or back in my chair. Thankfully we didn't have to repeat the blood patch to try and get rid of the headaches.
Spiritually, I feel stronger than ever. I feel like the death of my brother from cancer prepared me for any type of death to come. Cancer makes you suffer and so sick. He died with a smile on his face and gave me so much peace in my understanding of death and heaven. He was the man who basically raised me. I lost it for 4 days, and by lost it I mean I was actually hospitalized and given antidepressants. I just didn't know what to do. I needed that time to just grieve. I was angry, confused and anything you could think of. I came to the peace after this had happened. Through his death, I see more peace and grace in my understanding of Malachi's passing. I'm not angry! I'm not exactly happy or joyful about it. But I do have joy in the knowledge that he is up there with my nephew and my brother. As well as Jesus!!
I get lost sometimes in the thought of Malachi. What would it have been like to hold his live body? Would he have been a cuddly baby? What would his personality be like? What color would his hair and eyes be? What kind of man would he be? And so on. We did hold Malachi, but he had no hair yet, and his eyes were not open yet either.
Last night was a hard night. I was crying in my husbands arms. It was difficult to tell him what was wrong. I feel like no one understands how I feel. I'm trying to put up this strong front at times, but at the same time I need to know that it's okay to not be 'okay' all the time. I told him that, "I miss Malachi, I just want to hold him. Why can't we have a son? Is there something wrong with me? What's wrong with me?" So, I do have my moments of curling up in a ball and crying!
Oh and please for the love of fuzzy baby bunnies and all things good. DO NOT.....DO NOT, put the stages of grief in front of me and ask me where I think I am in the process!!!! I do not like to be categorized or told how to grieve! I love you guys and am thankful that you are here for me and my family at this time. But unless you have been through a loss, don't tell me how I should deal with it! Thanks! You may just get punched in the face right now.
The tattoo: I'm not opposed to them. This is my third and most meaningful of them all. I got Malachi's footprints, name and wings with a halo on my forearm. I needed this, for me. I needed to know that he will always be a part of me other than just a memory.
I am thankful for the friends who don't feel like they're stepping on egg shells around me thinking I will break like glass if they even mention the word baby or loss etc. I can handle a normal conversation about every day things. I prefer those, but I'm not going to fall apart if you mention Malachi or anything like that. It is better for me to talk about it than to deny he even existed or that his death and birth never took place.
I did have to go into labor and deliver him just like I would any other child. Was it traumatic? You bet! When the time came to push, I thought I would have more time before that time came. Mental preparation just didn't happen. I don't think it could have. He was born in his water sack, which made his birth a lot easier than it could have been. I was told that in cases like mine, it could take an hour or more pass the placenta and even then it may not pass and they would have to haul me into surgery. Thankfully, everything came out with him. It was over. They cleaned him up a bit and handed him to me. My Dr. was so amazing! She is the mother to 4 sons. She reminds me of 'Hot Lips' from Mash. She is very spunky and mouthy at times. I loved it! She is also a very warm and tenderhearted woman and God knew I needed her to help me through this. I had only met her the day before Malachi was born. His official birth date was February 19,2013 at 1:20 pm He weighed 8.7 ounces and was 9 inches long. It amazed me! God knits his people together so delicately and intricately.
What has been helping me the most to heal? K-Love honestly! It's like God speaks to me through the music. I'll put up some of the songs that He's been using. As well as some Scripture verses that have been imprinted on my heart for years. I'll post some of those things in a different post later.
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