I'm sitting here wondering why it happens...picking at 'scabs', I mean. It can be inadvertently or intentionally. But it happens from time to time. This week I learned of another family in our area that lost their baby boy. It brings up so much pain from my loss because I completely understand or at least I think I understand their pain. It makes me angry that someone else has to know this pain and right at our 'front door'.
Secretly, I feel like I'm dying inside. I've got so much pressure going on right now other than Malachi and I just don't know how much more I can deal with before I reach my breaking point. My husband lost his job this past Monday by just doing his job; he lost it. And that to me makes no sense at all. I want vengeance. I feel like our family is being 'picked on' at the worst possible time.
It's been 3 weeks since Malachi's been gone and I miss him so much. I miss being pregnant. I got short changed, it wasn't supposed to end like that. What the hell?! I guess I'm getting to the angry point of the grieving process or maybe it's just the whole load of shit that's been piled on top of an already screwed up situation?! This is the side I'm afraid to show people. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. God's still letting me take things in strides and I know He's still right beside me and won't leave me, but damn it...I'm angry!! This is just pure BS! We were supposed to be moving at the end of the month into an actual house, not an apartment and that's not going to happen. We might move, but it will be into a bigger apartment. I HATE apartments, but it's our only option at this moment in time since I'm the only one working. Work and my family that's still alive...keep me sane. Whatever that is! How am I supposed to look to the future when my future's ass seems to be getting kicked by the past?! Am I missing something? What am I supposed to be learning from this? What's the purpose of this crap? I know I'm not handling it well, just by reading over this post. LOL Am I mad at God...I think I'm getting there. It seems like my life has been nothing but struggles since day one...literally. I had to fight to live, and I'm still fighting to stay alive today in some sense. I know it could be worse and there are people going through a lot worse than I am right now and God bless them. Right now this is my trial, frustration and pain. My burdens to bare for whatever reason or point. Probably so that someone else going through it will have be able to find some sort of comfort or strength from it. But right now...this just flat out SUCKS!
That's it for now..have a good night everyone. Hopefully a good nights sleep will bring new light to things and rest to my weary mind.
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