It's kind of crazy what will trigger certain memories. My husband was just asking me about a game I have on my phone. This is the memory it triggered: I was trying to keep my mind occupied during labor and was playing the particular game he mentioned. But while in the hospital, I'm having a hard time placing my husband. I know he was there, but he also left the room a couple of times. When we got there our pastors were outside praying and talking with him. Then he went to lunch. I consistently remember my friend being there on the opposite side of me, but my husband was sitting on the other just kind of in the same daze I was in.
I think I found more comfort and support in my friend who was with us than my husband. She also provided a good distraction. Otherwise Adam and I would have just sat in silence the whole time wondering if this was really happening. I'm so thankful that they were both there and the prayers that were being silently said whether in the room or else where meant the world to us and me! I definitely felt a cover of peace and ease while in labor and during the delivery!
There were many uncomfortable times. I could get up and out of the bed to use the bathroom however. Hospital beds are very uncomfortable in general. Thankfully I wasn't hooked up to any monitors, but was to an IV I could drag around with me. The one time things got painful was right before I asked for the epidural. I got up and walked around a bit after the attempt of the epidural which made things a lot better and more tolerable. My back was now sore, but the contractions had mellowed out after getting up and using the bathroom. But that's when the urge to have a BM hit. I got a little nervous, but went anyways. A few minutes later, I had the urge again and I was like, "Ok, call the nurse in, this isn't right." Then she came in and checked me and sure enough Malachi was about to make his way out. I was not ready at all for that! I was thinking, "Can I just go to the bathroom instead of doing this?!" Yeah right! We call the Doctor who had just headed to lunch right after the epidural attempt. I think she may have had 20 minutes if that. So she comes in and checks for herself...(the most unpleasant experience is having another woman stick her whole hand inside of you!) then asks if she can change into scrubs because things can get messy. I told her she better hurry and at this point the contractions were getting a little more intense and I was holding back the urges to push. It seemed like it took her 10 min. to change when I think it was probably only about 5.
Then the time came to start pushing. With my husband on my right and friend on the left, doctor at the bottom with the nurse (who by the way I really was NOT impressed with at all, but that's another story). There were no stirrups involved just us and the bed. And it was the most uncomfortable way to give birth....flat on the back, knees to the chest....
The doctor trying to help things along, but not pulling. Malachi started on his way out butt first, but completely in his water sac. I didn't watch him exit. I just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes to look down there. I didn't know what I was going to see. My doctor was worried that he would lose a body part or that the placenta would need to be surgically removed by D&C. It was a pure miracle my Doctor kept telling me that he was born in his sac. This is VERY rare! That was a blessing in itself! They try to hand him to me right after they cut his tiny cord, I wasn't ready to hold him or see him yet. I wanted them to clean him up a bit first and hand him to me like a normal baby. So they did. It made me feel a little bit better.
But...the moment they handed him to me it became even more real. He wasn't mine...He was God's! His body was mine for the few hours we had with him. Between Monday and Tuesday. We hadn't thought about funeral arrangements or burial or cremation anything. It was just a matter of getting him out since he was....gone.
Adam and I held each other and I held our son in my hands. He wouldn't fit in my arms. He was too tiny. He was warm for the first little bit. We did have the nursery take him, he was kept away from the rest of the nursery in a colder area until we had time to process. They took pictures and put a little hat on him.
All I could do for the first little while with him was just look him over. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little nose and his daddy's full powty lips. His little ears hadn't fully developed yet. But you could definitely tell he was a little boy. His little legs were so tiny they didn't look very strong, not like his arms. But he was precious! He was mine for that little while! From 1:20 pm to about 9:00 pm that night when we had the funeral home pick him up. I was not going to let the hospital turn my son into medical waste! We chose to cremate him. There are 3 funeral homes in our town and only 1 would cremate an infant. They also did everything for no charge at all. We were thankful, but didn't expect that.
Now, I have my son home.... in a little box that I have to explain to my daughters that his little body or what's left of it is in there.
Ok, this is it for now...I can't write anymore....
Super Woman.
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