Isolation Nation

                                 Photo from: ocelotbound.wordpress.com

Good morning! 

   At least I think it's good. I'm still trying to figure that out since my coffee addiction is being put off and I am suffering from withdrawals. haha 
  Recently, we moved into a nice duplex, and I have been super busy. When I get busy my mental status takes a backseat to the doing instead of being part of me. I'm reminded of Mary and Martha, when it comes to that. I'm trying so hard to get the house together to make it feel like a home that I mentally feel spaced out and inaccessible. 
 My poor husband hasn't had a real conversation with me in over a week. It's our usual..how was your day, how were the kids stuff. 

I haven't noticed until last night just how depressed and isolated I have become. I was in a large crowd, of people that I know and am usually very comfortable being around. But I haven't honestly been around those people since before I was pregnant with Malachi let alone after. I just felt like the one who stuck out like a sore thumb... " Like oh, 'She's the one that lost a baby'. I know most of them weren't thinking that, but I just felt like I had a mark or label on my head and just like I didn't belong. Like I belong in some sort of grieving convent or something. I know that most of this is probably me and my perception right now, but it's aggravating to realize this is where I am right now. It's been a while since I've had a good and deep conversation with anyone and it's all trapped inside my own head. There are many good things going on in my life right now, but there is also an overwhelming sense of grief. June is next month and it feels like the grief is growing deeper within my soul. Maybe I need another good cry in the shower moment?! I don't know. Something's got to give soon. Good grief I need some coffee! (Squirrel moment..don't mind me LOL) 

I'm trying my best not to go off of feelings or emotions, but it's so hard in the midst of this. Trying to push myself into being 'over it' or 'being ok'. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be okay, I know I've said that before; but I'm not sure I believed it before. I want so much to be okay. To be 'normal' or 'me' again. But honestly I don't know who those people are anymore. 
Maybe I'm finding my new normal still or the new me so to speak. It feels weird and odd. 

The girls especially Hannah, she says she misses Malachi a lot. And lately she's been asking if there's another baby in my tummy. I tell her no and ask if she wants another brother or sister, she replies, 'Brother!' She has enough sisters. She cracks me up. She's 5 years old but so old for her age! 
I'm trying to get mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for another pregnancy, but ultimately leaving it up to God. 

God knows what I can handle! (And what I can't!)

After seeing so many pages on Facebook of small children having to have multiple open heart surgeries, fighting cancer and so on. God knew and still knows what I can handle. 

I know that a few things in here are things that tick some people off when being said about their lost child. So be warned now. 

I know that for some parents the thought of someone saying, "There must have been something wrong with him/her. So be thankful that God took him/her then." really disturbs and ticks people off. But to me, that brings me comfort. God knew I had 3 other little kids to take care of. He knew that I probably couldn't handle juggling one in the hospital because something was wrong or what not. I think I have a mans brain, like I want to fix all the problems and feel helpless when I can't. Or at least be able to comfort when something is wrong or painful. I am thankful that I didn't have to watch Malachi suffer at all and stand helplessly as he struggled or what not. 
I don't know how parents get through watching their child in pain day after day. I don't have that kind of strength. So bless those that do!!! 

Also, it really ticks me off when people down play the significance of my loss by not coming to grips with theirs and say things like.... 

"Oh you will/can have more." 
"I've had X amount of losses, and you just have to keep going." ......
There are many more, but those are a few that just rip me up inside. I want to scream, run away or punch someone! 
I just don't know how some women can be so callouss and careless with their words. 
I've also noticed that women that have had miscarriages earlier on tend to not be wounded as deeply as those who have had a stillbirth. Maybe it's the time frame of the amount of time being pregnant and then finding out they've lost their child. I don't know. There might be more bonding time there or something. 

We haven't had a memorial service or anything yet. But I think we need to do one soon. I think we need to let those people around us know that Malachi  was someone and he is/was important to us! He mattered, we care, we can move on, but please don't expect me or tell me to brush HIM under a rug and forget about him! Let me talk about my son, let me honor him with the words that I can express about his precious life! His life wasn't in vain, it wasn't unwanted! He was like any other child that would die after his parents knew him. Why is it that people get all huffy and uncomfortable when you mention a child that isn't here any longer? I don't expect people to say much if anything, I just want them to listen. I'm not going to be like the bad luck charm around other, I just want a chance to mention my son, just like my daughters who are living. What's so wrong about that? 


Below are a few things that have really brought me comfort over the past few weeks. 

Malachi's 2 mo. Angelversary was the 19th. I've been doing better emotionally so far this month, but the closer we get to June the deeper the void is feeling. 

1 Corinthians 10:3 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

The Void

The void keeps getting wider and wider as the time goes on. I can only imagine how June is going to feel without being pregnant or holding a baby in my arms. 

Something is missing! Someone is missing! Nothing fills the void that many of us feel. Trying to explain this feeling to others who have not experienced the loss of a child will most likely not understand this void. There are other types of voids, like losing another family member or pet, but I don't think they compare to this feeling at all. 

You get ready to have a child, prepare the nursery, buy the toys and clothes, pick out thee name and get to come home with nothing. You get to cling to the baby blanket you had and especially picked out for him, but that is all. You cry on your husband or significant others shoulder and hold on for dear life because you now have a better understanding of how precious life truly is. Daily you see or hear reminders of this little person. Why hide them or pretend they don't exist? That's one thing that gets me, why does it seem that people act like their child never existed? Is it easier for them to go on with life? If I did that I would feel like I was saying Malachi wasn't important or that he never was. I can't handle that! I don't want to put my grief on my sleeve so to speak, but at the same time I want to celebrate my child even though he is gone. I want those reminders, I want to talk about him. Even though he is not here, I still have those things and those special moments. 

I know there are people who just wonder and even say, " Can't you just move on already?" I just want to punch them and move on! Seriously! I don't think anyone even another baby would ever fill the void that Malachi has left. There was only one spot in our family for him and that is HIS position in our family. We may have another child in the future, but that child will be just that, a different child. Just as precious, loved and unique as the others. I had to explain this to Adam (my husband). That if we do have anymore children, we could never put  that child in the place of Malachi. It might be that this future child will help heal our hurt to some extent, but we would never put any type of 'golden/chosen child' weight on him or her. I think that made him feel better. I think that he thought I wanted/want another child to replace Malachi. Nope! 

I realize now that I want another child for many reasons. Some because we were getting ready to have another child anyways, my arms are empty and my heart is longing to care for, nurture and love another little one.To fill the void of someone missing. Not to replace! There are many other reasons, but these are just a few and sure, some may be selfish, but I think I am entitled to that right now! 

So if you are feeling these same things, just know that you're not alone! 

Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump [Official Video]

This song is beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes automatically. A friend of mine on Facebook shared it with me and I am going to share it with you guys. It does bring a bit of healing a long with it. :) Enjoy and grab your tissues!

Going Through the Motions

Today ( Sun. 3/10/13) I got the not so fantastic idea to clean out my girls things and start getting ready for the next season and sizes. Since they're all 2 years apart I have one that's almost out grown all of her 18 mo. clothes and needs bigger ones. So I pull out the boxes and lo and behold I find some things that are gender neutral. What do I start doing?! Thinking about Malachi, he would have looked adorable in this or that. I start putting those things aside for the possible next baby. 

Some things have gotten easier, but some things have not. Hannah my oldest, pulled my shirt up today and said, " I miss Malachi and your tummy is getting back to normal again." THEN Lilly my middle child chimes in, " When is Malachi waking up and coming back?" We've told her about the Death and Resurrection of Jesus so I think this is what she is associating death with. She asks many times a day and week when Malachi is coming back. It truly breaks my heart! I often wonder if it would be easier to have another baby soon just so the questions like these will stop. Again, I know that even for them, there will be no replacing their baby brother or as they knew him their 'bubby'. I think it would just refocus them onto someone else who would be new. (Sorry, my thinking is probably way screwed up right now, so please excuse my temporary lunacy).  We've found some of his clothes that were given to us in the laundry that have brought up more conversation this past week. 

These things don't seem to affect Adam as much as they do me. I know that he still thinks about Malachi at times, but he never got to the point of fantasizing about the future with him. Since he couldn't see him or feel him like I could. But I know too, that the stress of this loss has been taking it's toll on Adam as well. He seems to be a bit more quiet or irritable at times too. I've always wondered why God would allow someone to have a child or be pregnant with one or more then just take it/them away?! I struggle with that right now. I see some purposes for it, but ultimately I just don't get it. Adam has not read this blog to my knowledge. I think he's dealing with things in his own ways and we do talk about it occasionally, but not often. We try to go on about our daily business and taking care of our other kids. I really do not think either one of us are in denial what so ever....some days I think it would be nice. Like waking up from a bad dream. But we all know that's not going to happen. 

Something I have found that help is that I am still preparing for another child. I know that some day we will have one more. It gives me hope. And this way we won't have to rush with trying to get the things we absolutely need in time for their arrival. After 3 kids most things that we have or have had are worn out and need replaced. So, I plan on slowly replacing them...ie Bassinet, bouncer, dresser, etc... 

If anyone has been through the loss of a sibling or is a parent who has gone through this before, please leave some comments below and let me know of what helped you through this. Like books, counseling, or anything really. Thank you! 

I think I'll end it here for today. It is dinner time here and I have had very little appetite yet, but I still need to feed the rest of the family. Have a great week everyone and I'll write more later. 

God bless!