Good morning!
At least I think it's good. I'm still trying to figure that out since my coffee addiction is being put off and I am suffering from withdrawals. haha
Recently, we moved into a nice duplex, and I have been super busy. When I get busy my mental status takes a backseat to the doing instead of being part of me. I'm reminded of Mary and Martha, when it comes to that. I'm trying so hard to get the house together to make it feel like a home that I mentally feel spaced out and inaccessible.
My poor husband hasn't had a real conversation with me in over a week. It's our usual..how was your day, how were the kids stuff.
I haven't noticed until last night just how depressed and isolated I have become. I was in a large crowd, of people that I know and am usually very comfortable being around. But I haven't honestly been around those people since before I was pregnant with Malachi let alone after. I just felt like the one who stuck out like a sore thumb... " Like oh, 'She's the one that lost a baby'. I know most of them weren't thinking that, but I just felt like I had a mark or label on my head and just like I didn't belong. Like I belong in some sort of grieving convent or something. I know that most of this is probably me and my perception right now, but it's aggravating to realize this is where I am right now. It's been a while since I've had a good and deep conversation with anyone and it's all trapped inside my own head. There are many good things going on in my life right now, but there is also an overwhelming sense of grief. June is next month and it feels like the grief is growing deeper within my soul. Maybe I need another good cry in the shower moment?! I don't know. Something's got to give soon. Good grief I need some coffee! (Squirrel moment..don't mind me LOL)
I'm trying my best not to go off of feelings or emotions, but it's so hard in the midst of this. Trying to push myself into being 'over it' or 'being ok'. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be okay, I know I've said that before; but I'm not sure I believed it before. I want so much to be okay. To be 'normal' or 'me' again. But honestly I don't know who those people are anymore.
Maybe I'm finding my new normal still or the new me so to speak. It feels weird and odd.
The girls especially Hannah, she says she misses Malachi a lot. And lately she's been asking if there's another baby in my tummy. I tell her no and ask if she wants another brother or sister, she replies, 'Brother!' She has enough sisters. She cracks me up. She's 5 years old but so old for her age!
I'm trying to get mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for another pregnancy, but ultimately leaving it up to God.
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