Tears to Float On

                                                     (Jesus calming the raging sea)





Lately, the tears have kept me afloat. Kind of a sad image, but a true one. This whole experience has been easier to write about than to physically talk or speak about. I get it out one way, but keep it in another way.

Psalm 42:3

My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Boy, that verse above is spot on! I feel in many ways I have lost my hope recently. I know that there are stages of grief and everyone goes through them differently and at their own pace, but why now. 3 months and some change later, I'm feeling hopeless?! Why not right away? I don't get it, but whatever. 

(I am longing for a 'garden moment' with God without distractions and to be truly by myself with my thoughts and God. This photo reminded me of it.)

I took a break from writing this post and now I'm back. Same day, different hour and feelings/reflections. I got to talk to a friend of mine who has walked this road ahead of me. She helped bring some things and feelings into perspective. As well as encourage me. It's so easy to take our eyes off of a perfect God and try to handle things ourselves thinking we can do it without help. I'm a big girl, I got this. That's when we start drowning and flailing our arms grasping for anything or anyone. I am there and am holding on to my life preserver once again. His name is Jesus and that's where I am supposed to be 24/7 especially trying to deal with everything on my plate that's currently there. Being human sucks, we're not perfect. We have fears, frustrations, failures and so on. 

I think where I also am right now is grieving the relationship I would have had with my son, the little hands that I would have held, the soft skin I would have touched, the bond of breastfeeding that I now no longer get to look forward to. Those things have died along with him. And I'm not okay with that too. I know he is gone, but all my hopes and dreams for him died along with him. I guess it's a good thing God is letting me grieve each thing one at a time. There's so much that goes into a tiny little person that takes so much out of us in life and death. I am actually thinking more so in life than death. I know he's in our Fathers safe and loving hands and arms and I'm thankful for that. I just miss the good things that would have happened in our lives because of him. My anxiety is on red alert just wondering if I do get pregnant with another son, will the same thing happen to him? Am I incapable of carrying boys? I'm not pregnant yet, but we are wanting to try again soon. The girls are even antsy. It cracks me up and annoys me at the same time. But I resign to laughter instead of tears in most cases when it comes to those types of things. 
I believe I'm ready to try for another child, I will definitely be trusting in God to make everything go smoothly because I know I'll be doing what I can on my part. I will try my best not to worry about the what if's and make myself sicker or anything like that. I refuse to let fear ruin my future pregnancy or health during it. Perfect love drives out fear.


 Oh Jesus, how I love you! You are perfect in every way. Let my heart and mind know that tonight! Speak peace over me and any other woman or man that are going through this very thing right now. Jesus wrap your arms around our children that we don't get to. Let them know we miss them SO much and love them just as much or more. Touch our lives and comfort us while we mourn. Let our tears accomplish something for the good. Let us know that our futures are in your hands and our children's as well. Grant peace to those who are trying for the blessing of another baby. Please don't let things like this happen twice or more in a row. But if they do Lord, show us the reason. Help us to understand why. Lead us beside still waters Lord, and teach us to be still in your presence. I love you Lord, and thank you for loving me! I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen! 

 I can picture this as being Jesus and Malachi exploring Heaven together. Jesus showing Malachi what everything is as he sees them for the first time ever. So gentle and innocent. No sin has ever touched either. <3