Grasping for a Safe Haven

This is where I turn when I feel I have no where else to go, hide or find safety from the hurt I feel inside. I wish I could just hide behind my husband and that things people say or do wouldn't hurt me so deeply in the ways that they do. My husband is a big strong, yet gentle guy and is a huge comfort to me.

 In any other circumstance the things that are being said would be completely appropriate for my ears and well they are now, but my heart cannot handle them. When someone announces a pregnancy or a new baby, I want to throw up. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
  As of June 13th. I have felt like I'm walking in an alternate universe. One that isn't right. One that my son does not live in and I do. I hate it. I want out, but I know that I ultimately don't. I don't want to leave my girls and husband to fend for themselves without a wife and a mother. I know that Malachi doesn't need me, but that he's more than adequately taken care of by our Heavenly Father. But I feel like a HUGE part of me is missing and even more greatly so than before. Malachi was due June 13th. I wonder what he would look like at almost a month old and how his chubby cheeks would feel against my mouth as they kissed them. Or how heavy he would feel in my arms, but yet so warm and alive. I will never feel those things with him, not on this side of heaven, and inwardly it's killing me!

This past month I could have sworn up and down that I was pregnant again. I was so excited and even told a few people. But apparently that was not so. I was late, not normal for me at all. However, I am highly stressed as we just moved again for the second time in two months. I feel like I'm teetering on a mental and emotional breakdown. Last month was the first month we just let things go and said if there's a baby great and if not that's okay too, but I can't help but feeling like my body failed me again. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had the problem of not getting pregnant. LOL So?! This is new for me. (7-11-13 After reading this paragraph, I should have put it a little more clearly that we've only been 'trying' for a month and this past month was a no go on the baby front. Which is okay, I need to give myself some slack and relax! A baby will come again when it's time, and I know that. If not, I'll be okay and beyond blessed by our 3 girls!)

I cannot bare to be at church right now to be around some insensitive people who don't realize they are being such. Or to walk around the baby section in Walmart. It's just too hard right now. I don't want to deal with it. I thought I was doing so much better than I am now, but obviously am not. There are no counselors that can really help me...all I get asked is... ' How does .... make you feel?' or other stupid things that help no one through anything except your ability to lose your money. haha I'd rather talk to close friends or family.
This is where I am and I hate it. I want out, but don't feel like there is a way out without Malachi. :( So please say a prayer or two for me if you read this.
Thanks!!