Grasping for a Safe Haven

This is where I turn when I feel I have no where else to go, hide or find safety from the hurt I feel inside. I wish I could just hide behind my husband and that things people say or do wouldn't hurt me so deeply in the ways that they do. My husband is a big strong, yet gentle guy and is a huge comfort to me.

 In any other circumstance the things that are being said would be completely appropriate for my ears and well they are now, but my heart cannot handle them. When someone announces a pregnancy or a new baby, I want to throw up. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
  As of June 13th. I have felt like I'm walking in an alternate universe. One that isn't right. One that my son does not live in and I do. I hate it. I want out, but I know that I ultimately don't. I don't want to leave my girls and husband to fend for themselves without a wife and a mother. I know that Malachi doesn't need me, but that he's more than adequately taken care of by our Heavenly Father. But I feel like a HUGE part of me is missing and even more greatly so than before. Malachi was due June 13th. I wonder what he would look like at almost a month old and how his chubby cheeks would feel against my mouth as they kissed them. Or how heavy he would feel in my arms, but yet so warm and alive. I will never feel those things with him, not on this side of heaven, and inwardly it's killing me!

This past month I could have sworn up and down that I was pregnant again. I was so excited and even told a few people. But apparently that was not so. I was late, not normal for me at all. However, I am highly stressed as we just moved again for the second time in two months. I feel like I'm teetering on a mental and emotional breakdown. Last month was the first month we just let things go and said if there's a baby great and if not that's okay too, but I can't help but feeling like my body failed me again. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had the problem of not getting pregnant. LOL So?! This is new for me. (7-11-13 After reading this paragraph, I should have put it a little more clearly that we've only been 'trying' for a month and this past month was a no go on the baby front. Which is okay, I need to give myself some slack and relax! A baby will come again when it's time, and I know that. If not, I'll be okay and beyond blessed by our 3 girls!)

I cannot bare to be at church right now to be around some insensitive people who don't realize they are being such. Or to walk around the baby section in Walmart. It's just too hard right now. I don't want to deal with it. I thought I was doing so much better than I am now, but obviously am not. There are no counselors that can really help me...all I get asked is... ' How does .... make you feel?' or other stupid things that help no one through anything except your ability to lose your money. haha I'd rather talk to close friends or family.
This is where I am and I hate it. I want out, but don't feel like there is a way out without Malachi. :( So please say a prayer or two for me if you read this.
Thanks!!

The Void

The void keeps getting wider and wider as the time goes on. I can only imagine how June is going to feel without being pregnant or holding a baby in my arms. 

Something is missing! Someone is missing! Nothing fills the void that many of us feel. Trying to explain this feeling to others who have not experienced the loss of a child will most likely not understand this void. There are other types of voids, like losing another family member or pet, but I don't think they compare to this feeling at all. 

You get ready to have a child, prepare the nursery, buy the toys and clothes, pick out thee name and get to come home with nothing. You get to cling to the baby blanket you had and especially picked out for him, but that is all. You cry on your husband or significant others shoulder and hold on for dear life because you now have a better understanding of how precious life truly is. Daily you see or hear reminders of this little person. Why hide them or pretend they don't exist? That's one thing that gets me, why does it seem that people act like their child never existed? Is it easier for them to go on with life? If I did that I would feel like I was saying Malachi wasn't important or that he never was. I can't handle that! I don't want to put my grief on my sleeve so to speak, but at the same time I want to celebrate my child even though he is gone. I want those reminders, I want to talk about him. Even though he is not here, I still have those things and those special moments. 

I know there are people who just wonder and even say, " Can't you just move on already?" I just want to punch them and move on! Seriously! I don't think anyone even another baby would ever fill the void that Malachi has left. There was only one spot in our family for him and that is HIS position in our family. We may have another child in the future, but that child will be just that, a different child. Just as precious, loved and unique as the others. I had to explain this to Adam (my husband). That if we do have anymore children, we could never put  that child in the place of Malachi. It might be that this future child will help heal our hurt to some extent, but we would never put any type of 'golden/chosen child' weight on him or her. I think that made him feel better. I think that he thought I wanted/want another child to replace Malachi. Nope! 

I realize now that I want another child for many reasons. Some because we were getting ready to have another child anyways, my arms are empty and my heart is longing to care for, nurture and love another little one.To fill the void of someone missing. Not to replace! There are many other reasons, but these are just a few and sure, some may be selfish, but I think I am entitled to that right now! 

So if you are feeling these same things, just know that you're not alone! 

Moving Forward and Onward!

                           Malachi's tiny feet 2/19/13

To Update the last post: Stuck on the Fence of Transition. I did go to the Grief Counselor and found out I am perfectly normal and ahead of the curve, probably due to the fact that I had a few weeks of preparation before I actually knew anything about Malachi's status for certain. I kept asking for some sort of formula on what comes next in this process or how to move forward, since I felt stuck. She said there wasn't any certain formula or guidelines on how to move forward. I'm a very black and white person who likes things spelled out for her in clear and plain English. The answer she gave me of, " In time, it will come and you will move on." That didn't help me what so ever, or at least I didn't think it did at the time. A couple of days later I had a nice revelation from Malachi himself, or so I think and feel. Anyways, below is a status update I shared with my family and friends on Facebook. :


Over the past week I've really struggled with moving forward and on with my life while leaving someone so precious behind. The guilt and fear of some sort has just held me back to some extent. Yesterday it was like I could feel Malachi saying, "It's okay mommy!" I haven't had that feeling before or that kind of peace. It was amazing and overwhelming. Sure I've felt Jesus tell me that it's all going to be okay and I've had the peace of knowing that Malachi is with Jesus, but never have I felt the gentle touch of my son hold my heart in his tiny hands and just say, " It's okay mommy!" But that's what it felt like! I guess I owe it to him to live a life worthy of being his mommy and my other kids mommy. It's not a task I take lightly and many days I feel like I fail or fall short of the vision I had of being a stellar mother, but it is also the greatest calling I believe I and many others have received! So, here's to my little man loving on me from Heaven. I'll walk ahead and hold him in my heart always! Happy Easter everyone! :D


What next? What does forward and onward look like for me now? Good questions! I have a few things in mind, but will share those at a later date. It's getting too late and I've got an early morning ahead of me.