The Void

The void keeps getting wider and wider as the time goes on. I can only imagine how June is going to feel without being pregnant or holding a baby in my arms. 

Something is missing! Someone is missing! Nothing fills the void that many of us feel. Trying to explain this feeling to others who have not experienced the loss of a child will most likely not understand this void. There are other types of voids, like losing another family member or pet, but I don't think they compare to this feeling at all. 

You get ready to have a child, prepare the nursery, buy the toys and clothes, pick out thee name and get to come home with nothing. You get to cling to the baby blanket you had and especially picked out for him, but that is all. You cry on your husband or significant others shoulder and hold on for dear life because you now have a better understanding of how precious life truly is. Daily you see or hear reminders of this little person. Why hide them or pretend they don't exist? That's one thing that gets me, why does it seem that people act like their child never existed? Is it easier for them to go on with life? If I did that I would feel like I was saying Malachi wasn't important or that he never was. I can't handle that! I don't want to put my grief on my sleeve so to speak, but at the same time I want to celebrate my child even though he is gone. I want those reminders, I want to talk about him. Even though he is not here, I still have those things and those special moments. 

I know there are people who just wonder and even say, " Can't you just move on already?" I just want to punch them and move on! Seriously! I don't think anyone even another baby would ever fill the void that Malachi has left. There was only one spot in our family for him and that is HIS position in our family. We may have another child in the future, but that child will be just that, a different child. Just as precious, loved and unique as the others. I had to explain this to Adam (my husband). That if we do have anymore children, we could never put  that child in the place of Malachi. It might be that this future child will help heal our hurt to some extent, but we would never put any type of 'golden/chosen child' weight on him or her. I think that made him feel better. I think that he thought I wanted/want another child to replace Malachi. Nope! 

I realize now that I want another child for many reasons. Some because we were getting ready to have another child anyways, my arms are empty and my heart is longing to care for, nurture and love another little one.To fill the void of someone missing. Not to replace! There are many other reasons, but these are just a few and sure, some may be selfish, but I think I am entitled to that right now! 

So if you are feeling these same things, just know that you're not alone!