Grasping for a Safe Haven

This is where I turn when I feel I have no where else to go, hide or find safety from the hurt I feel inside. I wish I could just hide behind my husband and that things people say or do wouldn't hurt me so deeply in the ways that they do. My husband is a big strong, yet gentle guy and is a huge comfort to me.

 In any other circumstance the things that are being said would be completely appropriate for my ears and well they are now, but my heart cannot handle them. When someone announces a pregnancy or a new baby, I want to throw up. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
  As of June 13th. I have felt like I'm walking in an alternate universe. One that isn't right. One that my son does not live in and I do. I hate it. I want out, but I know that I ultimately don't. I don't want to leave my girls and husband to fend for themselves without a wife and a mother. I know that Malachi doesn't need me, but that he's more than adequately taken care of by our Heavenly Father. But I feel like a HUGE part of me is missing and even more greatly so than before. Malachi was due June 13th. I wonder what he would look like at almost a month old and how his chubby cheeks would feel against my mouth as they kissed them. Or how heavy he would feel in my arms, but yet so warm and alive. I will never feel those things with him, not on this side of heaven, and inwardly it's killing me!

This past month I could have sworn up and down that I was pregnant again. I was so excited and even told a few people. But apparently that was not so. I was late, not normal for me at all. However, I am highly stressed as we just moved again for the second time in two months. I feel like I'm teetering on a mental and emotional breakdown. Last month was the first month we just let things go and said if there's a baby great and if not that's okay too, but I can't help but feeling like my body failed me again. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had the problem of not getting pregnant. LOL So?! This is new for me. (7-11-13 After reading this paragraph, I should have put it a little more clearly that we've only been 'trying' for a month and this past month was a no go on the baby front. Which is okay, I need to give myself some slack and relax! A baby will come again when it's time, and I know that. If not, I'll be okay and beyond blessed by our 3 girls!)

I cannot bare to be at church right now to be around some insensitive people who don't realize they are being such. Or to walk around the baby section in Walmart. It's just too hard right now. I don't want to deal with it. I thought I was doing so much better than I am now, but obviously am not. There are no counselors that can really help me...all I get asked is... ' How does .... make you feel?' or other stupid things that help no one through anything except your ability to lose your money. haha I'd rather talk to close friends or family.
This is where I am and I hate it. I want out, but don't feel like there is a way out without Malachi. :( So please say a prayer or two for me if you read this.
Thanks!!

God knows what I can handle! (And what I can't!)

After seeing so many pages on Facebook of small children having to have multiple open heart surgeries, fighting cancer and so on. God knew and still knows what I can handle. 

I know that a few things in here are things that tick some people off when being said about their lost child. So be warned now. 

I know that for some parents the thought of someone saying, "There must have been something wrong with him/her. So be thankful that God took him/her then." really disturbs and ticks people off. But to me, that brings me comfort. God knew I had 3 other little kids to take care of. He knew that I probably couldn't handle juggling one in the hospital because something was wrong or what not. I think I have a mans brain, like I want to fix all the problems and feel helpless when I can't. Or at least be able to comfort when something is wrong or painful. I am thankful that I didn't have to watch Malachi suffer at all and stand helplessly as he struggled or what not. 
I don't know how parents get through watching their child in pain day after day. I don't have that kind of strength. So bless those that do!!! 

Also, it really ticks me off when people down play the significance of my loss by not coming to grips with theirs and say things like.... 

"Oh you will/can have more." 
"I've had X amount of losses, and you just have to keep going." ......
There are many more, but those are a few that just rip me up inside. I want to scream, run away or punch someone! 
I just don't know how some women can be so callouss and careless with their words. 
I've also noticed that women that have had miscarriages earlier on tend to not be wounded as deeply as those who have had a stillbirth. Maybe it's the time frame of the amount of time being pregnant and then finding out they've lost their child. I don't know. There might be more bonding time there or something. 

We haven't had a memorial service or anything yet. But I think we need to do one soon. I think we need to let those people around us know that Malachi  was someone and he is/was important to us! He mattered, we care, we can move on, but please don't expect me or tell me to brush HIM under a rug and forget about him! Let me talk about my son, let me honor him with the words that I can express about his precious life! His life wasn't in vain, it wasn't unwanted! He was like any other child that would die after his parents knew him. Why is it that people get all huffy and uncomfortable when you mention a child that isn't here any longer? I don't expect people to say much if anything, I just want them to listen. I'm not going to be like the bad luck charm around other, I just want a chance to mention my son, just like my daughters who are living. What's so wrong about that? 


Below are a few things that have really brought me comfort over the past few weeks. 

Malachi's 2 mo. Angelversary was the 19th. I've been doing better emotionally so far this month, but the closer we get to June the deeper the void is feeling. 

1 Corinthians 10:3 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Grieving Malachi Pt. 2

As I'm sitting here gathering some things that I've wanted to take pictures of things I want to share and finding songs on YouTube that have helped me out in the midst of everything.

I have come across Malachi's ultrasound pictures. Even then, I knew something was wrong. I don't know why or how, because they told me everything was fine and looked great. But when I saw his head tucked down to his chest. I had a sinking feeling. I just knew that wasn't right. He had plenty of room in there! The ultrasound tech went on to show me his precious, sweet face in 4D. Those pictures are amazing! But with finding these pictures and looking through them, I've got my box of Kleenex next to me. I miss him! I didn't know him, but I miss him. I just want to hold him, kiss his sweet face.

Anyways, we brought him home Sunday evening. Like this. No parent should ever have to bring their baby home like this! This hurt beyond words can express!! I cried off and on from the time Adam brought him to the car until I went to bed that night. There is nothing warm and cuddly about this. I did hug and kiss the urn. For what good it does, it brings a sense of comfort knowing that he is home with us at least his ashes are. I find great comfort in knowing that his little spirit is being cared for by our Heavenly Father. Before we called the funeral home to pick him up. We held him one last time. I touched his little hands and feet one last time. I kissed his little head. He was so fragile. It did my body better in the sense that labor didn't last that long for me, but the two weeks he was left in there, was not good for his body. That was a harsh reality. He was a baby, but not what one would expect to see right after birth, being alive or dead. We did take pictures, but I won't be sharing those.

Sunday evening Adam and I were able to take a walk together alone. Some dear friends of ours watched our girls for us. We took a walk along the river in Cotter. It was so beautiful. Since we came home from the hospital Wednesday, we hadn't really talked much about anything other than the necessary things. It felt like a wall was being put up between us. We just didn't know what to say to each other. Tuesday night when we said our final, 'Goodbye'. We held each other in tears, no words were needed. I'm so thankful that we have each other no matter what. This walk allowed us time to talk about the ,'Now what?' aspect of things. Things happened so fast from Monday to Tuesday and throughout the week. I just felt shocked and like I couldn't move. What was I supposed to be doing other than taking care of the girls and myself? Before we learned of what happened to Malachi. We were in the process of preparing to move, somewhere. So, our first step forward is to find a new larger home for rent for all of us and our stuff. :) Our little apartment has been outgrown.

When we had Addisyn we felt like we were done having kids. We had enough for us. But when we learned we were expecting Malachi, we were overwhelmed and scared. Our babies would only be 19 mo. apart.  When we found out it was a boy, we were so excited. I don't know why that changed my perspective and attitude. I've always wanted a son, I don't know why and now wish I could just be content having my girls. Adam is completely happy with his little princess' and I'm very thankful for that, he's a wonderful dad! I just feel like someone is missing and well, he is. I get a little bitter, frustrated and jealous when I see people with their little boys or are pregnant with boys. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can't have boys or something. I feel cheated. I know this sounds wrong and well this is where I am right now. It sucks, but I know it will pass too. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those of you who have boys. It just kind of hurts right now, I think of the 'what ifs' or the mile stones I would have gotten to experience with Malachi, but now I don't. That just hurts.

I had to ask Adam if he wanted any more kids. After losing Malachi, I feel unfulfilled or incomplete. It may pass and it may not. I don't know, but I needed to know his answer on the topic. At the hospital, he said a clear and flat out, 'No!'. I was devastated! I didn't even know in the hospital if I wanted anymore. How could he make a decision right there. But on the other hand I did ask him.

So this walk gave us time to think about it more and give a more clear thought answer to the question. I want one more. When I was pregnant with Malachi. I felt the Lord had given me two names. I thought for a while that we were having twins. I got big fast. I told Adam what they were and he said the second was just too much for a middle name. The name was Zechariah, but would most likely be Zachariah or Zack for short. It means; The Lord Remembers. So, maybe one day we will have a son because the Lord remembers!? I keep thinking about Sarah and Hannah in the Bible. Why was their desire to have a son? Why is it my desire to have a son? Adam gave me the answer of; 'Yes, just not right now.' and I'm okay with that. I'm not ready to have anymore kids any time in the near future. Addisyn needs potty trained, I want to see how Hannah will do in homeschooling this next year. Lilly is just cool with whatever, which makes my life a lot easier. We'll probably try to get some sort of preschool curriculum for her to do while Hannah is doing her school work. I'd also like to see us a little more stable in some areas before we add one more to our litter. :)