What's up Buttercup?! (An Update on muah)

Here's an update on how I'm doing. I feel the need to put this here because some have expressed concern for me...thanks btw. I haven't been talking to anyone or writing which has been BAD! I've been locked inside my own brain so to speak and that's a damning place. It's not necessarily that I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone. It's that I didn't want to. I feel like this is a 'special club' and like no one understands or can really help me. So that whole 'suffering in silence' that comes along with miscarriage/stillbirth attacked me when I wasn't looking. I now understand why some women can't talk about their experiences. The pain sweeps over you and there are no words to express how deeply hurt you feel on the inside while still walking around daily like you're 'fine'. I guess the point has come where I wear my grief daily and things have just piled on top of that. It seems like we can't catch a break and the struggle of every day life has just overcome me as well. Right now I need to take a few steps back to process like looking at things from an outside perspective. Some of you may not know what all has been going on. 

1. We were waiting to find out if Adam got a permanent job with the Post Office. He did. It didn't work out due to expenses that were not foretold to us until he got there on his first day. 

2. I started working again. Although I am so excited and LOVE my new job, it is new and not what I'm used to in my daily routine and still feel a little guilty for not being a mom and taking care of the house. I felt like that was my 'calling' or purpose. But I'm so happy where I am. I'm trying not to sabotoge it with my downer attitude. 

3. We got Adam's car back from the dealer in Springfield because the engine blew a month after he got it. Then Thursday it went out again. So now we're waiting to hear from them on whether we can trade it for something else or not. It's still under warranty etc...so that's good, but I'm like REALLY?! I'm just like keep the thing and erase our debt from it. We can't afford another car pmt right now anyways. 

4. Just when I thought our financial nightmare was about to be solved by Adam getting the permanent route and me working. I was completely blind sided and let down. So that's the biggest disappointment that seems to be overwhelming. I was looking forward to paying off overdue bills and blessing others. 

5. A person who said they'd always be there for me no matter what, blocked me and made things very clear that they were no longer a part of my life, with no explanation or warning. That hurts A LOT..it's like another death! It sucks! 

6. We've moved twice in 2 months and are looking at possibly moving again since my husband doesn't have a job right now and rent is pricey. 

I didn't grow up with everything handed to me or anything, but I had what we needed. Right now we are struggling to give our girls the things they need and that kills me. I feel like an irresponsible teenage parent who doesn't take care of business. This is not what I had pictured for adulthood or parenting. So I think I feel really disappointed in myself and my abilities to provide or be the parent that I wanted to be. (I know  I need to get that out of my head and just get over this crap, because it's not doing me any good.) 

With those things said I'll now insert what I wrote on the status update; It's probably not that big of a deal to some and you're probably thinking holy crap..she waited this long to break out the anti-depressant?! But after a few friends and others have expressed their concern for me I thought it was probably over due. I did try eating healthier, taking vitamins etc... and after this season in my life passes I'll continue to go that route. And truthfully, I think I make mountains out of mole hills; a lot of little things can make things seem very overwhelming and out of control and that's where I'm at. Thankfully Adam and I are good and STILL married....LOL Everyone has their issues and we're all working through them. Thank you all for your love, support, prayers and kind words of encouragement. You are the ones who have held me up when I couldn't along with Jesus of course. Love ya'll!

Also, I'm sorry if at times you feel like I'm whining or complaining A LOT! Sorry! That's not how I want to come across or anything and I get tired of people whining too...I'm like grow up or get over it. But until you are going through things, it's hard to understand what that person may be experiencing. So thanks for walking this crazy journey with me! 

Tears to Float On

                                                     (Jesus calming the raging sea)





Lately, the tears have kept me afloat. Kind of a sad image, but a true one. This whole experience has been easier to write about than to physically talk or speak about. I get it out one way, but keep it in another way.

Psalm 42:3

My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Boy, that verse above is spot on! I feel in many ways I have lost my hope recently. I know that there are stages of grief and everyone goes through them differently and at their own pace, but why now. 3 months and some change later, I'm feeling hopeless?! Why not right away? I don't get it, but whatever. 

(I am longing for a 'garden moment' with God without distractions and to be truly by myself with my thoughts and God. This photo reminded me of it.)

I took a break from writing this post and now I'm back. Same day, different hour and feelings/reflections. I got to talk to a friend of mine who has walked this road ahead of me. She helped bring some things and feelings into perspective. As well as encourage me. It's so easy to take our eyes off of a perfect God and try to handle things ourselves thinking we can do it without help. I'm a big girl, I got this. That's when we start drowning and flailing our arms grasping for anything or anyone. I am there and am holding on to my life preserver once again. His name is Jesus and that's where I am supposed to be 24/7 especially trying to deal with everything on my plate that's currently there. Being human sucks, we're not perfect. We have fears, frustrations, failures and so on. 

I think where I also am right now is grieving the relationship I would have had with my son, the little hands that I would have held, the soft skin I would have touched, the bond of breastfeeding that I now no longer get to look forward to. Those things have died along with him. And I'm not okay with that too. I know he is gone, but all my hopes and dreams for him died along with him. I guess it's a good thing God is letting me grieve each thing one at a time. There's so much that goes into a tiny little person that takes so much out of us in life and death. I am actually thinking more so in life than death. I know he's in our Fathers safe and loving hands and arms and I'm thankful for that. I just miss the good things that would have happened in our lives because of him. My anxiety is on red alert just wondering if I do get pregnant with another son, will the same thing happen to him? Am I incapable of carrying boys? I'm not pregnant yet, but we are wanting to try again soon. The girls are even antsy. It cracks me up and annoys me at the same time. But I resign to laughter instead of tears in most cases when it comes to those types of things. 
I believe I'm ready to try for another child, I will definitely be trusting in God to make everything go smoothly because I know I'll be doing what I can on my part. I will try my best not to worry about the what if's and make myself sicker or anything like that. I refuse to let fear ruin my future pregnancy or health during it. Perfect love drives out fear.


 Oh Jesus, how I love you! You are perfect in every way. Let my heart and mind know that tonight! Speak peace over me and any other woman or man that are going through this very thing right now. Jesus wrap your arms around our children that we don't get to. Let them know we miss them SO much and love them just as much or more. Touch our lives and comfort us while we mourn. Let our tears accomplish something for the good. Let us know that our futures are in your hands and our children's as well. Grant peace to those who are trying for the blessing of another baby. Please don't let things like this happen twice or more in a row. But if they do Lord, show us the reason. Help us to understand why. Lead us beside still waters Lord, and teach us to be still in your presence. I love you Lord, and thank you for loving me! I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen! 

 I can picture this as being Jesus and Malachi exploring Heaven together. Jesus showing Malachi what everything is as he sees them for the first time ever. So gentle and innocent. No sin has ever touched either. <3