Alone....?!

Tonight, before I lay my head on the pillow there are so many feelings going through my mind and body.
I feel so anxious, alone, distant and disconnected. My hormones are going wild and leaving me beside myself.
I know I'm not alone....I think! I know people have gone through this before. But I feel like I'm in a sort of wilderness I've never been in before and am not sure how to navigate my way back to civilization. It's the oddest thing, it's like watching your life unfold in front of you while you just take a backseat because you simply don't have the strength to sit in the front and steer anymore. This is where I am this week... Easter is coming up this weekend, and I have no desire to make Easter baskets or get eggs ready for my girls to hunt. I'd really like to have my life back on track and feel some sense of normalcy again. It almost feels impossible. And I'm wondering if that 'normalcy' will ever return.
Please keep praying for me! I don't feel like I've really talked to anyone lately. Kind of like many people are like; " It's been a month, get over it!" That just isn't the case and probably isn't for most people. I'd like to happily 'get over IT'. But my IT isn't just an IT! My IT happens to be a little boy named Malachi who stole my heart and part of my mind apparently and you just can't get over IT in a day let a lone a life time!!! But the question remains, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I move on from this point?" My arms are empty, my heart aches and I feel like I'm suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when in fact I just feel like I'm falling apart inside. I hate it as much as my loved ones around me can sense it, but feel helpless on what to do.
I go back to my OB tomorrow morning to see if there is anything we can do to help with the hormone fluctuations or if it's just something I have to 'ride out'. I don't like taking anything that I may have to depend on for more than 2 mo. Especially artificial stuff that my body doesn't need. Hopefully she'll help get me started down the right direction or at least know which way I need to go next.

Good night all. I hope you're doing well!

Ode to Superwoman

Good bye Super Woman, Hello Super Mom! ;)

This morning I'm sitting here at the computer with my cup of coffee (decaf), thinking about Super Woman. What were her attributes? Also thinking I'm not the Super woman I thought I was. While Googling the super hero fenom. I came across this video, I don't think I've ever heard this song from Alicia Keys. I love her voice and soulful sound and this song is perfect for how I am feeling currently.  

Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I've been trying to do too many things and keep myself busy. It all came crashing down around me. I need to realize that I can do many things and multitask well, but ultimately if my 'plate' becomes too full then something is going to go lacking. March 4th I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree online. Online schooling can be pretty demanding at times, but does work around my busy schedule. I also went back to work that day after having 2 weeks off. It felt good to get back, but at the same time bittersweet. My girls and I had a relaxing and healing time during those 2 weeks. So, what happened yesterday? I got written up for 2 things, 1 thing I knew I needed to work on. The other for something I'm fairly sure I did, but could not find the proof or anything stating otherwise. Work is usually my refuge from my crazy home...it's good to get out with other adults and have an adult conversation, make some money and then go home at the end of the night feeling like you accomplished something other than wiping noses and butts for no compensation other than an, "I love you Mom" and sometimes you don't even get that. It wears on you. After yesterday and everything just weighing on my 'super mom' shoulders I've been lead to the decision to be back at home. 

My husband by the way got a new job within the same week he was fired from the previous one. Thank you Jesus! It was a complete and total God thing! Along with this job for him, comes the ability for me to be able to stay home. It will replace both of our incomes and eventually give us extra. I'm still wondering if it's too good to be true. But I'm trying my best to have faith that God is the one who placed this job in Adam's path and that He will be the one to sustain it and bless it. I loved my job and still do, I just don't feel like I can do the best job there while my mind is at home and school. For me it's just too much and I've been messing things up. 

Oh and my lovely body just decided to take a dump on me too. I've been sick for about 2 weeks now, I think. I don't know..it's felt like along time. And my hormones have also decided to kick in overtime. So it seems like I've got a bit of post partum depression...which SUCKS!!! So for any of my friends who I've hung up on, started crying out of no where with, or just been irrational. I am sorry!! 

My goal that has been on my heart since having Malachi is to get healthy. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There has to be balance and I need to find it. My family needs me to find it. My approach: natural vitamin and mineral supplements, exercise and organic, low to no processed foods and limiting my sugar intake. Wish me luck!