Health Update

Hubby let me get this to help motivate me to start running again. I hope it helps. But right now running is about as easy as a fat girl running away from a cupcake...it's just not happening. YET! That being the major word here! :)




Some of you are probably like what's going on with you and your body now? 

Well, to update you all. I quit taking birth control pills and finally stopped bleeding and the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling have also stopped. It feels great!! Apparently, birth control has the opposite effect on me and I believe I found this out a long time ago, but since it had been so long I forgot. Duh!! 
I have also been taking a prenatal vitamin, St. John's Wort, Melatonin occasionally to help me sleep or  (it works better than the generic for Ambien!!! For me anyways), Milk Thistle, Evening Primrose Oil, and drinking red raspberry leaf tea to help the uterine muscles etc.. I haven't honestly felt this good in a VERY long time! It's amazing how good you can feel once you figure out what your body needs and how to help it! 
I've also been doing a little work out at home that consists of squats, leg lifts, push ups, sit ups and a slew of other things. I can't run or jog very often because of bursitis in my left hip from my Army days. But I'm going to try to do it at least twice a week. I'll see if I can manage to get a mile in, but for now that's my goal as small as it seems. LOL 
I've also been eating a bit healthier than I was..not so much junk and not consuming as much as I was. I still have my hungry days where I feel like I could eat the kitchen sink, but I think that's stress eating. I need to push past that and stick to a routine...I think once we get moved and settled into our new house, the stress will fade a bit more...for a while at least I hope! 

God knows what I can handle! (And what I can't!)

After seeing so many pages on Facebook of small children having to have multiple open heart surgeries, fighting cancer and so on. God knew and still knows what I can handle. 

I know that a few things in here are things that tick some people off when being said about their lost child. So be warned now. 

I know that for some parents the thought of someone saying, "There must have been something wrong with him/her. So be thankful that God took him/her then." really disturbs and ticks people off. But to me, that brings me comfort. God knew I had 3 other little kids to take care of. He knew that I probably couldn't handle juggling one in the hospital because something was wrong or what not. I think I have a mans brain, like I want to fix all the problems and feel helpless when I can't. Or at least be able to comfort when something is wrong or painful. I am thankful that I didn't have to watch Malachi suffer at all and stand helplessly as he struggled or what not. 
I don't know how parents get through watching their child in pain day after day. I don't have that kind of strength. So bless those that do!!! 

Also, it really ticks me off when people down play the significance of my loss by not coming to grips with theirs and say things like.... 

"Oh you will/can have more." 
"I've had X amount of losses, and you just have to keep going." ......
There are many more, but those are a few that just rip me up inside. I want to scream, run away or punch someone! 
I just don't know how some women can be so callouss and careless with their words. 
I've also noticed that women that have had miscarriages earlier on tend to not be wounded as deeply as those who have had a stillbirth. Maybe it's the time frame of the amount of time being pregnant and then finding out they've lost their child. I don't know. There might be more bonding time there or something. 

We haven't had a memorial service or anything yet. But I think we need to do one soon. I think we need to let those people around us know that Malachi  was someone and he is/was important to us! He mattered, we care, we can move on, but please don't expect me or tell me to brush HIM under a rug and forget about him! Let me talk about my son, let me honor him with the words that I can express about his precious life! His life wasn't in vain, it wasn't unwanted! He was like any other child that would die after his parents knew him. Why is it that people get all huffy and uncomfortable when you mention a child that isn't here any longer? I don't expect people to say much if anything, I just want them to listen. I'm not going to be like the bad luck charm around other, I just want a chance to mention my son, just like my daughters who are living. What's so wrong about that? 


Below are a few things that have really brought me comfort over the past few weeks. 

Malachi's 2 mo. Angelversary was the 19th. I've been doing better emotionally so far this month, but the closer we get to June the deeper the void is feeling. 

1 Corinthians 10:3 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

The Void

The void keeps getting wider and wider as the time goes on. I can only imagine how June is going to feel without being pregnant or holding a baby in my arms. 

Something is missing! Someone is missing! Nothing fills the void that many of us feel. Trying to explain this feeling to others who have not experienced the loss of a child will most likely not understand this void. There are other types of voids, like losing another family member or pet, but I don't think they compare to this feeling at all. 

You get ready to have a child, prepare the nursery, buy the toys and clothes, pick out thee name and get to come home with nothing. You get to cling to the baby blanket you had and especially picked out for him, but that is all. You cry on your husband or significant others shoulder and hold on for dear life because you now have a better understanding of how precious life truly is. Daily you see or hear reminders of this little person. Why hide them or pretend they don't exist? That's one thing that gets me, why does it seem that people act like their child never existed? Is it easier for them to go on with life? If I did that I would feel like I was saying Malachi wasn't important or that he never was. I can't handle that! I don't want to put my grief on my sleeve so to speak, but at the same time I want to celebrate my child even though he is gone. I want those reminders, I want to talk about him. Even though he is not here, I still have those things and those special moments. 

I know there are people who just wonder and even say, " Can't you just move on already?" I just want to punch them and move on! Seriously! I don't think anyone even another baby would ever fill the void that Malachi has left. There was only one spot in our family for him and that is HIS position in our family. We may have another child in the future, but that child will be just that, a different child. Just as precious, loved and unique as the others. I had to explain this to Adam (my husband). That if we do have anymore children, we could never put  that child in the place of Malachi. It might be that this future child will help heal our hurt to some extent, but we would never put any type of 'golden/chosen child' weight on him or her. I think that made him feel better. I think that he thought I wanted/want another child to replace Malachi. Nope! 

I realize now that I want another child for many reasons. Some because we were getting ready to have another child anyways, my arms are empty and my heart is longing to care for, nurture and love another little one.To fill the void of someone missing. Not to replace! There are many other reasons, but these are just a few and sure, some may be selfish, but I think I am entitled to that right now! 

So if you are feeling these same things, just know that you're not alone! 

A New Resource List Has Been Posted

New Resource List on the Right

To add to the 'Healing in the Midst Resource List'; there is a better one that is posted in the Pages section of my blog. Please let me know if you have found anything helpful or useful and I will add it to the list. 

You may follow the links below: 

http://malachiswings.blogspot.com/2013/03/healing-in-midst-resource-list.html

http://malachiswings.blogspot.com/p/pregnancy-loss-resources-list.html

Be Still Oh My Soul

My soul is restless right now. I feel like I should be doing something constantly. Today, I want to be numb. Numb to any and all emotions that are rushing like a rampaging sea inside of me. Healing, I'm concluding; will not come. Not completely, not ever. No sincere, softly spoken word or small gift will ever be able to repair the hole in my heart or life. 

Trust has never been my strong suit. Even trusting God. I can't see Him, I can feel Him occasionally, but if I'm not in His word constantly or consistently I feel like the only person I can trust is myself. That's the flesh right there. I still have my days and when I started this post with the first paragraph, that was one of those days! There are so many things that can and will change in the blink of an eye and I have no control over any of it. My emotions at times are one of those things that go completely out of control and then sometimes have to apologize. 

The day I started this there were so many things going on and I kept waiting on God to reveal the outcome, whether it would be favorable to me or not. Isn't that funny how we always want to know how something will turn out towards us. That's our selfishness in action right there. I think we need to start thinking as a loving parent like the Father. He wants what's best for us and if it's not then sometimes it's a 'No!' or even sometimes it will be a 'Yes' just to test us. I don't think He does the later often. 
Anyways, when you feel restless, hopeless and helpless. Just let the Lord carry you. 

Lessons from Malachi pt. 1

Lesson 1: Health

 Take Better Care of Yourself Mom! 

Photo/Image Credit: Arian Armstrong (amazing artist btw)

In April of last year (2012), I got copper poisoning. It was horrible! I thought I was dying, literally. I got jaundice and every joint in my body hurt and was swollen. I looked like I was 3 months pregnant or more and was physically ill. But I wasn't sure how to get healthy again, other than to remove what was causing my illness. 

I did start taking herbal supplements that helped to regain balance in my body and eventually bring me back to some sort of functional health. Mentally, I still felt out of touch with reality and struggled with anxiety and depression, which for me was nothing new. It's something I've struggled with since I was a teenager. Although this health scare did knock a little bit of sense into me, I still just didn't feel right for months. 

In October we found out we were expecting Malachi. I was a little nervous, wondering if my copper levels had gone down to safe levels. I know that excess copper can be dangerous to pregnancies. Is that what caused Malachi's demise? We will never know. But I don't think so. 

After losing Malachi in February. I felt like God used that as a brick to my head telling me, "You really need to take better care of yourself!" I really didn't take care of myself when I was pregnant. I've already had 3 kids and know the do's and don'ts. But at this point, I don't think I was really active in protecting him or myself during this pregnancy. I didn't take my prenatal vitamin as often as I should have, I didn't eat healthy, I ate junk quite often. Did drink a little bit of wine on 2 separate occasions....not more than 1/2 a glass, but I never drank with the other kids. I craved it like it was going out of style and knew that it was okay every once in a while. ( I know some of you right now are probably thinking, 'No wonder!') Oh well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion.I also didn't see a Dr. until I was 19 wks...2 weeks before he passed away. Do I feel guilty or regret these things. Of course! If I could go back and do things differently, I definitely would! But do I think that doing this differently would have had a better outcome? No, honestly I don't.
 I don't think it had much to do with me and what I did or didn't do. I have eaten junk with my other kids, I ate what I craved. They all turned out healthy little troopers. I didn't take my prenatal much with my last daughter just like I didn't with Malachi. They would make me sicker. It was just something I would rather replace with the different types of foods with those nutrients or vitamins in them. I felt alright with both of those pregnancies, up until I started to get sick with Malachi...not knowing he had passed. I noticed my stomach had started to feel ill again and I was swelling abnormally. That was about week before I had Malachi, everyone in my family had gotten the stomach flu but me so I thought that's what was going on with me...I was getting the stomach flu. Then 3 days prior to his birth I started to feel even worse and started swelling. I knew something wasn't right. I had an appointment scheduled for the coming Monday and waited until then. 
Ok lets get back on track...back to healthy me... 

Malachi's death has taught me that there's much more to life even in death and grieving. I can only do so much. What I have control over is me. God had been talking to me before my pregnancy anyways to get healthy, take better care of myself. Watch what things I'm putting into my body and mind and soul. 
GMO's...have any of you really looked into what they really are? Scary stuff! And Monsanto? Really!!? I've started to eat more whole foods, unprocessed and I've cut out soda except Sierra Mist. I drink more herbal tea than ever. Take my vitamins regularly and get a pretty decent workout chasing my 3 crazy girls. Although I think I could stand to get some good cardio in sometimes. That will come in time though! 

Mind: Surround yourself with positive people who encourage you and lift you up in prayer and in their speech. I've been surrounded by a certain negative person for too long. It is past time to cut ties even if this person happens to be family. Watch what music I was allowing myself to listen to. Is it encouraging? Or vulgar? Or .....? There were many .....?'s. So I've been slowly removing those things. 

Soul: Stick close to the Lord in prayer, song and Word! I cannot emphasize these 3 things enough. It is SO easy to stray back into the normal routine of doing things on your own that you feel like I don't have time or need for these things. But they are essential to health and life period!! The enemy can creep in like a thief in the night and steal your joy, peace and patience along with many other parts of you. So bury yourself in Christ, in the sense that the devil can't mess with you, because he's got to go through Christ first to get to you!!! Don't put yourself out there with out your biggest and best protection...Christ!! 

So for Malachi and the rest of my family, my health is essential to their lives and well beings as well as mine and I think for the first time I'm starting to understand that better and in a whole new light! 

If you are struggling with caring for yourself after your loss. Don't give up hope! Sometimes focusing on your grief will show you how you can better take care of yourself than you could have thought about otherwise. It's kind of weird how it works, but your life is not over. It may only be starting...only differently. Nothing will be normal again, but a new normal...it's up to you to chose if that new normal will be good or bad! I hope you are able to take away a lesson of some kind from my lesson from Malachi and Jesus! Your grief is not your own, God gave it to you and your grieving is different from others, but it is not your own. It has not claimed you, but you need to claim it and not allow it to overcome you. I do pray for you momma's and papa's out there trying to find some good in the midst of the bad. Hang on! It will come around the corner soon. If you haven't read the book, "Heaven is For Real!" you should really read it, I think that is one of the most amazing gifts I have received lately. 

I think I will end this post here and hope that someone somewhere gained something out of this post they could use. God bless you all and may you all rest in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father tonight or today like you have not be able to before! 
Peace! 

Slow Your Roll (A Lightbulb Moment)

So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.' 

I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby. 

Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job. 

This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below: 

Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:

1. Got back on my BabyCenter page and started looking around at my 'Birth Club' that Malachi would have been in if I carried him to term.

2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!

3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!

4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!

5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!

6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.



I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.

Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)

Moving Forward and Onward!

                           Malachi's tiny feet 2/19/13

To Update the last post: Stuck on the Fence of Transition. I did go to the Grief Counselor and found out I am perfectly normal and ahead of the curve, probably due to the fact that I had a few weeks of preparation before I actually knew anything about Malachi's status for certain. I kept asking for some sort of formula on what comes next in this process or how to move forward, since I felt stuck. She said there wasn't any certain formula or guidelines on how to move forward. I'm a very black and white person who likes things spelled out for her in clear and plain English. The answer she gave me of, " In time, it will come and you will move on." That didn't help me what so ever, or at least I didn't think it did at the time. A couple of days later I had a nice revelation from Malachi himself, or so I think and feel. Anyways, below is a status update I shared with my family and friends on Facebook. :


Over the past week I've really struggled with moving forward and on with my life while leaving someone so precious behind. The guilt and fear of some sort has just held me back to some extent. Yesterday it was like I could feel Malachi saying, "It's okay mommy!" I haven't had that feeling before or that kind of peace. It was amazing and overwhelming. Sure I've felt Jesus tell me that it's all going to be okay and I've had the peace of knowing that Malachi is with Jesus, but never have I felt the gentle touch of my son hold my heart in his tiny hands and just say, " It's okay mommy!" But that's what it felt like! I guess I owe it to him to live a life worthy of being his mommy and my other kids mommy. It's not a task I take lightly and many days I feel like I fail or fall short of the vision I had of being a stellar mother, but it is also the greatest calling I believe I and many others have received! So, here's to my little man loving on me from Heaven. I'll walk ahead and hold him in my heart always! Happy Easter everyone! :D


What next? What does forward and onward look like for me now? Good questions! I have a few things in mind, but will share those at a later date. It's getting too late and I've got an early morning ahead of me.