My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 13:4
For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him to serve you.
Alright, I'm sweating it out in our garage at our make shift office/play room for you guys who have been waiting to hear what happened to me last weekend.
Here goes...
Friday started out nice with smiles and readiness to tackle the day. Adam left for work just like usual. But around 9 am it was like a light switch in my head was flipped. My give a flip got up and flipped the heck out. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. My two older girls would not leave my side and I wanted them to find something to do other than be on top of me. Zeke was pretty cool, like normal. So what the heck was my problem? Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I had been waiting a while for my insurance to okay counseling and a new anti-depressant. Apparently a little too long. I had no idea I had slipped that far into a depression and my thoughts were brutal. I won't share any of those here other than they were not good. Anyways, I decided I couldn't wait any longer on counseling and medication so I headed to the ER. I called Adam home around his lunch break and had him take over with the kids. I got a shower and headed in. I told them what was going on and they decided that an inpatient psych ward would be my friend for a few days. I was like... " I don't give a F*! I need to do something, I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time!" It turns out I've dealt with this depression for a long time! Like years! But having a baby and still trying to grieve made it a ton worse. It was like my mind had gotten so knotted up kind of like a yarn ball without a starting string to be found. I couldn't dig deep enough or fast enough to find it. I wasn't talking to anyone any longer and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I was dead inside!
So, I get to my destination at midnight. The ambulance ride was a bit much in my opinion, but it was quite funny. My ADHD wanted me to play with all their cool junk in the back while sitting there for 3 hrs. And the poor EMT's had very little idea where they were going and decided that going the wrong way on a major highway would be stellar. Then justified it as kosher cause they were an ambulance. Yeah?!!?
Ok back at the 'cabin in the woods'. I'll call it that because I posted on my Facebook that I'd love a couple bottles of wine and a nice retreat to a cabin in the woods. Well, this place was wooded and I sure as heck didn't get my wine! I got something a little stronger. I was doped up for a day and a half pretty well I might add. Not by choice, but it's because I'm a light weight when it comes to taking any medication. I don't drink often and I don't do drugs so it was like...BAM! But once we figured out the right dose, I've been pretty mellow ever since. I can think more clearly and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, and I can still breastfeed!
The people taking me in were so sweet and kind, they also let me pump and save the milk. Which was a little iffy since they wouldn't let me have shoe laces in my shoes or strings in my pants. But I think they thought..a death by breast pump would be a little out of my league! And God knows it was! haha The first night I got to my room and it wasn't private. The next day I found out who my sleeping roommate was and we got along great! Same issues to some extent...our brains become so overwhelmed that we just shut down and go nuts so to speak. She's 5 years younger than me and what was so neat was, God didn't just bring me there for me, but He brought me there for others. It's not exactly the mission field I would have pictured myself ever visiting, but why not?!
This younger lady has some drug issues and is just trying to find herself. I thoroughly enjoyed her, she went home a day before me. We exchanged phone numbers and I hope to keep in touch.
By the second night I was just ready to chill with God and listen. I had been doing all the talking and demanding. It was His turn. He quite simply said... "Give it to me! Give it ALL to me!" Then it went on once He had my attention..." Your broken heart, is not something you can fix. Nor will it ever be! You can't live like this anymore, so hand it all over to me. I'll fix it enough and the way I want to, but you have to hand it over." At that point, I was beyond ready and willing! I like to think I've got my crap together, but honestly without God who the heck does?! You cannot separate yourself from God and think you can do anything without Him! He willed you into existence and He can will you out of it in a heartbeat! Use your time and breathe wisely...I'm learning this!!
The second night also came with a lot of laughter, after the medication wore off a little. My roommate was chatting with another guy who was there for depression and drug issues. He was a funny black guy who deals cocaine. He has cerebral palsy and walks a little crooked. But I caught the conversation where he offered to be her sugar daddy and I chimed in with..." Well, heck I want a sugar daddy too!" He looked me dead in the eyes and was like..." I'll be your sugar daddy." Now, me being a naive sheltered white girl... I didn't really know what that would require of me. I'll get to that part in a minute...
I laughed my butt off, I was joking and he was serious. I couldn't stop laughing! Medicated people all stuck together in some shitty parts of their lives are the most real and raw people you will ever find! I didn't have to pretend to be something or someone I wasn't. That's what I needed. Drug addicts fighting for air and reason in the midst of their pain, a grieving widow trying to make sense of life after 50 years of marriage gone in a split second, a vengeful grandmother trying not to kill her grand daughter's rapist, a foster mother and adoptive mother also staying away from her abusive husband as to not kill him, the alcoholics trying to find freedom from their guilt and pain.. the list goes on. I enjoyed every single one of these people and don't think any less of them in spite of their trials and struggles. It really helped me put my problems into perspective and help me realize the changes I need to make in my life and my home to be healthy all the way around. My kids for one will no longer be treating me the way they have been. My home will be a peaceful and calm place even if they don't like me for a while! I am momma hear me roar! lol
While I was getting ready to leave I got to hear one of the ladies testimonies of how God freed her from a life of addiction... She's now 52 and has 25 years of sobriety under her belt. She's been married 4 times and is a nurse there. This my friends was a state institution, but these ladies were not afraid to speak God to us patients! I could have sat there all day and listened to this woman and the trials she has over come, but then the freaking rec. therapist came in with play doh. FRICK! Right??! Anyways, it was time for me to leave and those ladies will forever be in my prayers and thoughts! They loved on me in the midst of my darkest hours and helped me make sense of it all whether or not they realize it. (If you're reading this Thank you from the bottom of my heart you know who all you are!!!)
Depression is no laughing matter and even if you're worried that people will think you're a nut because you need to go somewhere. Go somewhere...people will applaud you and stand by your side when you come back! To my friends and family who haven't judged me thank you a million times over!!! It was incredibly hard, but definitely needed. I will be going to counseling and taking my medication! My family needs me and I need them!! Love yourself or get to a point where you can!!
Good night world!
