I think back to this day 2 years ago and the memories come flooding back. A little traumatizing, yes. But not as intruding as they used to be. Now, I think of just how freaking blessed I am to have had Malachi for the short time I did. He's taught me so much about love, life, family, myself and so on. I feel like I learn a lot each day just because I lost him. Lost him on this earth, but not in Heaven. I know right where he's at and that gives me peace beyond my understanding! There are days that still bring me to my knees from grief, but mostly I have joy.
At the beginning of the year, I prayed and asked God for a good year. The past few years have been nothing but drudge and struggle. I long for a smooth, steady, easy going year and these are the verses I believe He gave me to draw strength, vision and hope from.
The Year of the Lord’s Favor
Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
4
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
A quick rabbit trail to some things that happened last year, before I get going on what I'm looking forward to this year:
About 5 weeks after Zeke was born I spent 4 days in a mental hospital regaining my footing. I was blindsided by my grief, postpartum hormones and the overwhelming responsibilities of every day life. I do not have the best support system. My brothers and sister are all very much older than I am and no where around me. My parents are elderly and sometimes require a little help from me. So, Adam and I are pretty much on our own. His parents are in Missouri and occasionally take the older girls. My Wonder Woman suit is on daily. I really do not have a clue as to how I do what I do daily without the strength of God!! And yet, there are single and military spouses who do far more than I do with a much better attitude daily. Fist pump and bump to you peeps for your mad skills! But I am now on some medication that help keep my mind on a positive track to some extent. I know I need something a little better to help me sleep better and focus better, but I'm still nursing and my options are limited.
I also want to share something I haven't shared with many because well it still feels new and odd, maybe even a little raw. While supporting a friend through yet another early loss, I discovered that I had an early loss a few months after Malachi passed. I didn't realize I was pregnant, we moved 3 times that summer and I had just started a new job. I knew I looked swollen and felt like crap, but the pregnancy tests kept coming back negative so I didn't think anything of it. My cycles were so screwed up too, so I was oblivious. One day I went to the bathroom and wiped and for some reason I looked at the toilet paper and saw something I had never seen before in my life and haven't seen since. But it was that little sac that I saw while Googling what an early baby/miscarriage would look like, that I realized that's what was on the toilet paper that day. I didn't think much of it at the time. Too much going on to really dwell or think about it. But this is what it looked like. Sorry if it's weirdly graphic for your taste. I'm kind of a nerd, so gross things don't really bother me much anymore. lol I asked many friends who had early losses what theirs looked like just to kind of confirm my suspicions and they said that this in fact is what there's looked like. I was calling this little one Button, but have since decided on the name Myka, being gender neutral. It appears I have 2 angels waiting for me in Heaven.
(photo taken from Google)
2015:
So that was last year, this year is going to be AWESOME!! It seems like God has lined us so many opportunities in my path that I can't wait to start, but I'm trying to pace myself. We were going to move back to Missouri this year, that has been our goal for the past few years, but it appears God has different plans. We're staying put for a while longer and surprisingly I'm flipping excited about it!!! (Shush Rene'! I know you're reading this and laughing your butt off, I love you, but stop praying for us to stay here K!!) hahaha
Anyways, I was contemplating on finishing my BA in Graphic Design or going to Nursing School in Mo. It seems neither are happening. I want to be certain before jumping in one direction or the other. There are some things keeping me from attempting either right now, so I may just wait until all of the kiddos are in school.
The awesomeness that's in store for this year:
I have started an online Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support group on Facebook, woohoo! And a physical support group in our town is in the works. It has also been brought to my attention that there aren't any photographers that are willing or able to come take photos of families and babies who have been lost, in our town. So, I bought myself an uber expensive professional camera and I plan on breaking that bad boy in with families and friends first. I'm still sewing and will be opening an Etsy shop soon! I'm very excited for these things. I just somehow need to pull time out of my butt to pull it all off. haha
