Where to begin the healing process.... a post for those who just joined the crappiest club on earth!

This post is for those who may not know where to begin to grieve. Or not even know that it's okay to do so.

Here's your permission! Grieve!

What is grief? In my words: hell, crying, screaming, denial, regrets, guilt, shame ( like my body failed me, what's wrong with me? and so on), depression, anger, and acceptance. Everyone's grief may not look like this or may not happen in this order. So whatever you are feeling, give yourself permission to feel it, even if you have other children or a spouse to take care of. It is important and healthy to grieve in whatever manner you find yourself doing it in. Whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom or eating your own tears. These will come in waves and much like a roller coaster of emotions and such. I am in no way a doctor or counselor. I've just had my fair share of losses including Malachi, except he was the only child I lost.

Anyways, you may find me joking or making light of things. It is how I deal, it's not meant to offend or be disrespectful!!

If you can, find a support group in your area. If you want to remain anonymous for whatever reason, there are plenty of online support groups you can join. However, I do recommend you eventually allow your grief to be open for all to see. There is no shame in grief! It's a normal state of being even if people don't like or want to see it, they need to. Everyone is still a person and susceptible to death and all it entails!  I'm still learning how to allow my grief to be 'worn' in public. And no it doesn't look like a train wreck for me, I can be happy but at the same time I want to allow myself to be okay with being whatever on whatever day people see me. Hope that makes sense.

Find some faith! I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and ultimately I believe He's the only one true source of comfort and healing. I have a relationship not a religion! Prayer has helped me through this more than talking to anyone or anything!!
You may believe and find something else. I'm not one to judge or comment on your choice.

Be open with others, don't isolate yourself! Depression can lurk around any dark corner if you let it. Suicide is an easy way out and not one to chose, you were left here for a purpose and don't doubt that for a second. Your child is in the best place ever! You job now is to hold that child in your heart instead of your arms, which is the hardest job on earth at this moment in time! It's okay to claim that child and say you have x amount even if they are not living. You are still a parent!!

Facebook and Twitter can be a wealth of resources and information for groups of parents who have lost children. I am on a couple myself.

When you are strong enough, be a light and help to others; like I'm trying to be. It has given me the most hope and has allowed me to view my loss and handle it in stride instead of all at once like being hit by a Mac truck.

There are a list of resources on this page under the pages column on the right hand side. Take a look and see if any of those can help you or if you would like to add any please let me know.

My desire and wish with this blog and my mouth is to help break the silence of stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss. No one should have to suffer in silence because of shame, denial, pain, or guilt!!! It's okay to talk about it and share your experience with others. It may be taboo at this moment in time, but I want to help change that. Life is not all sunshine and flowers. And we shouldn't have to portray that image all the time.

If you would like to be able to reach me directly or know what else is going on, I have a page on Facebook labeled: Malachi's Wings it'd be great to have you there and you can message me with prayer requests or what have you.

I hope someone out there has found this helpful and please feel free to leave a comment below.
Thanks and God Bless!!

Grasping for a Safe Haven

This is where I turn when I feel I have no where else to go, hide or find safety from the hurt I feel inside. I wish I could just hide behind my husband and that things people say or do wouldn't hurt me so deeply in the ways that they do. My husband is a big strong, yet gentle guy and is a huge comfort to me.

 In any other circumstance the things that are being said would be completely appropriate for my ears and well they are now, but my heart cannot handle them. When someone announces a pregnancy or a new baby, I want to throw up. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
  As of June 13th. I have felt like I'm walking in an alternate universe. One that isn't right. One that my son does not live in and I do. I hate it. I want out, but I know that I ultimately don't. I don't want to leave my girls and husband to fend for themselves without a wife and a mother. I know that Malachi doesn't need me, but that he's more than adequately taken care of by our Heavenly Father. But I feel like a HUGE part of me is missing and even more greatly so than before. Malachi was due June 13th. I wonder what he would look like at almost a month old and how his chubby cheeks would feel against my mouth as they kissed them. Or how heavy he would feel in my arms, but yet so warm and alive. I will never feel those things with him, not on this side of heaven, and inwardly it's killing me!

This past month I could have sworn up and down that I was pregnant again. I was so excited and even told a few people. But apparently that was not so. I was late, not normal for me at all. However, I am highly stressed as we just moved again for the second time in two months. I feel like I'm teetering on a mental and emotional breakdown. Last month was the first month we just let things go and said if there's a baby great and if not that's okay too, but I can't help but feeling like my body failed me again. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had the problem of not getting pregnant. LOL So?! This is new for me. (7-11-13 After reading this paragraph, I should have put it a little more clearly that we've only been 'trying' for a month and this past month was a no go on the baby front. Which is okay, I need to give myself some slack and relax! A baby will come again when it's time, and I know that. If not, I'll be okay and beyond blessed by our 3 girls!)

I cannot bare to be at church right now to be around some insensitive people who don't realize they are being such. Or to walk around the baby section in Walmart. It's just too hard right now. I don't want to deal with it. I thought I was doing so much better than I am now, but obviously am not. There are no counselors that can really help me...all I get asked is... ' How does .... make you feel?' or other stupid things that help no one through anything except your ability to lose your money. haha I'd rather talk to close friends or family.
This is where I am and I hate it. I want out, but don't feel like there is a way out without Malachi. :( So please say a prayer or two for me if you read this.
Thanks!!