Here's an update on how I'm doing. I feel the need to put this here because some have expressed concern for me...thanks btw. I haven't been talking to anyone or writing which has been BAD! I've been locked inside my own brain so to speak and that's a damning place. It's not necessarily that I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone. It's that I didn't want to. I feel like this is a 'special club' and like no one understands or can really help me. So that whole 'suffering in silence' that comes along with miscarriage/stillbirth attacked me when I wasn't looking. I now understand why some women can't talk about their experiences. The pain sweeps over you and there are no words to express how deeply hurt you feel on the inside while still walking around daily like you're 'fine'. I guess the point has come where I wear my grief daily and things have just piled on top of that. It seems like we can't catch a break and the struggle of every day life has just overcome me as well. Right now I need to take a few steps back to process like looking at things from an outside perspective. Some of you may not know what all has been going on.
1. We were waiting to find out if Adam got a permanent job with the Post Office. He did. It didn't work out due to expenses that were not foretold to us until he got there on his first day.
2. I started working again. Although I am so excited and LOVE my new job, it is new and not what I'm used to in my daily routine and still feel a little guilty for not being a mom and taking care of the house. I felt like that was my 'calling' or purpose. But I'm so happy where I am. I'm trying not to sabotoge it with my downer attitude.
3. We got Adam's car back from the dealer in Springfield because the engine blew a month after he got it. Then Thursday it went out again. So now we're waiting to hear from them on whether we can trade it for something else or not. It's still under warranty etc...so that's good, but I'm like REALLY?! I'm just like keep the thing and erase our debt from it. We can't afford another car pmt right now anyways.
4. Just when I thought our financial nightmare was about to be solved by Adam getting the permanent route and me working. I was completely blind sided and let down. So that's the biggest disappointment that seems to be overwhelming. I was looking forward to paying off overdue bills and blessing others.
5. A person who said they'd always be there for me no matter what, blocked me and made things very clear that they were no longer a part of my life, with no explanation or warning. That hurts A LOT..it's like another death! It sucks!
6. We've moved twice in 2 months and are looking at possibly moving again since my husband doesn't have a job right now and rent is pricey.
I didn't grow up with everything handed to me or anything, but I had what we needed. Right now we are struggling to give our girls the things they need and that kills me. I feel like an irresponsible teenage parent who doesn't take care of business. This is not what I had pictured for adulthood or parenting. So I think I feel really disappointed in myself and my abilities to provide or be the parent that I wanted to be. (I know I need to get that out of my head and just get over this crap, because it's not doing me any good.)
With those things said I'll now insert what I wrote on the status update; It's probably not that big of a deal to some and you're probably thinking holy crap..she waited this long to break out the anti-depressant?! But after a few friends and others have expressed their concern for me I thought it was probably over due. I did try eating healthier, taking vitamins etc... and after this season in my life passes I'll continue to go that route. And truthfully, I think I make mountains out of mole hills; a lot of little things can make things seem very overwhelming and out of control and that's where I'm at. Thankfully Adam and I are good and STILL married....LOL Everyone has their issues and we're all working through them. Thank you all for your love, support, prayers and kind words of encouragement. You are the ones who have held me up when I couldn't along with Jesus of course. Love ya'll!
Also, I'm sorry if at times you feel like I'm whining or complaining A LOT! Sorry! That's not how I want to come across or anything and I get tired of people whining too...I'm like grow up or get over it. But until you are going through things, it's hard to understand what that person may be experiencing. So thanks for walking this crazy journey with me!
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