Tears to Float On

                                                     (Jesus calming the raging sea)





Lately, the tears have kept me afloat. Kind of a sad image, but a true one. This whole experience has been easier to write about than to physically talk or speak about. I get it out one way, but keep it in another way.

Psalm 42:3

My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Boy, that verse above is spot on! I feel in many ways I have lost my hope recently. I know that there are stages of grief and everyone goes through them differently and at their own pace, but why now. 3 months and some change later, I'm feeling hopeless?! Why not right away? I don't get it, but whatever. 

(I am longing for a 'garden moment' with God without distractions and to be truly by myself with my thoughts and God. This photo reminded me of it.)

I took a break from writing this post and now I'm back. Same day, different hour and feelings/reflections. I got to talk to a friend of mine who has walked this road ahead of me. She helped bring some things and feelings into perspective. As well as encourage me. It's so easy to take our eyes off of a perfect God and try to handle things ourselves thinking we can do it without help. I'm a big girl, I got this. That's when we start drowning and flailing our arms grasping for anything or anyone. I am there and am holding on to my life preserver once again. His name is Jesus and that's where I am supposed to be 24/7 especially trying to deal with everything on my plate that's currently there. Being human sucks, we're not perfect. We have fears, frustrations, failures and so on. 

I think where I also am right now is grieving the relationship I would have had with my son, the little hands that I would have held, the soft skin I would have touched, the bond of breastfeeding that I now no longer get to look forward to. Those things have died along with him. And I'm not okay with that too. I know he is gone, but all my hopes and dreams for him died along with him. I guess it's a good thing God is letting me grieve each thing one at a time. There's so much that goes into a tiny little person that takes so much out of us in life and death. I am actually thinking more so in life than death. I know he's in our Fathers safe and loving hands and arms and I'm thankful for that. I just miss the good things that would have happened in our lives because of him. My anxiety is on red alert just wondering if I do get pregnant with another son, will the same thing happen to him? Am I incapable of carrying boys? I'm not pregnant yet, but we are wanting to try again soon. The girls are even antsy. It cracks me up and annoys me at the same time. But I resign to laughter instead of tears in most cases when it comes to those types of things. 
I believe I'm ready to try for another child, I will definitely be trusting in God to make everything go smoothly because I know I'll be doing what I can on my part. I will try my best not to worry about the what if's and make myself sicker or anything like that. I refuse to let fear ruin my future pregnancy or health during it. Perfect love drives out fear.


 Oh Jesus, how I love you! You are perfect in every way. Let my heart and mind know that tonight! Speak peace over me and any other woman or man that are going through this very thing right now. Jesus wrap your arms around our children that we don't get to. Let them know we miss them SO much and love them just as much or more. Touch our lives and comfort us while we mourn. Let our tears accomplish something for the good. Let us know that our futures are in your hands and our children's as well. Grant peace to those who are trying for the blessing of another baby. Please don't let things like this happen twice or more in a row. But if they do Lord, show us the reason. Help us to understand why. Lead us beside still waters Lord, and teach us to be still in your presence. I love you Lord, and thank you for loving me! I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen! 

 I can picture this as being Jesus and Malachi exploring Heaven together. Jesus showing Malachi what everything is as he sees them for the first time ever. So gentle and innocent. No sin has ever touched either. <3

Why I Write and Share What I Do.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 NLT

A lot of people have asked or wondered while reading my blog or hearing me talk, why I share what I do about my experience. Or how I share so openly about such a delicate subject/experience.

Well, my answer is: If I kept my experience locked inside of me I would most likely be living in a constant state of denial. As well as why let something bad turn me bitter, angry, inward and so forth when I can and have the power to turn my loss into some sort of gain for the better. Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
With that being said, I hope that my loss would open peoples eyes against abortion. I shared photos of Malachi on my Facebook Page yesterday and he was clearly a person and had a heart beat. Let God be the judge of whether a child should not live or not. We had the choice to create that tiny human, but we do not have the right in my opinion to chose death for that little person!! Every person is a person no matter how small. ~Dr. Seuss. Everyone has a purpose from the moment they were created in their mothers womb!! I can't deny that now. Malachi was never an 'IT'. I loathe that word!! No one is ever an 'IT'!! If you think that you're an idiot!! (Soap box)

Yes, bad things happen to good people all of the time. Why does God let it happen? And so forth. I don't try to tackle those questions as much anymore. It's pretty useless. It's called life, God said we'd have struggles of many kinds, we'd suffer, etc...  1 Peter 1:6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. We don't have to let those things turn us into an ugly person no one wants to be around. Yes, I still grieve and get mad. I don't blame God to this day. I thank Him! What?! You heard me right! I THANK Him!! God gave me the GIFT of Malachi, I may not have him in the flesh with me right now. But you bet he's waiting in Heaven to meet his family some day. I have a treasure in Heaven far beyond what this world could have ever given me. When I get there, it's going to be better than Christmas!!

I realize many people don't or can't look at things in such a positive light as myself. I don't expect everyone to.
Hopefully this answered some questions. :)

Isolation Nation

                                 Photo from: ocelotbound.wordpress.com

Good morning! 

   At least I think it's good. I'm still trying to figure that out since my coffee addiction is being put off and I am suffering from withdrawals. haha 
  Recently, we moved into a nice duplex, and I have been super busy. When I get busy my mental status takes a backseat to the doing instead of being part of me. I'm reminded of Mary and Martha, when it comes to that. I'm trying so hard to get the house together to make it feel like a home that I mentally feel spaced out and inaccessible. 
 My poor husband hasn't had a real conversation with me in over a week. It's our usual..how was your day, how were the kids stuff. 

I haven't noticed until last night just how depressed and isolated I have become. I was in a large crowd, of people that I know and am usually very comfortable being around. But I haven't honestly been around those people since before I was pregnant with Malachi let alone after. I just felt like the one who stuck out like a sore thumb... " Like oh, 'She's the one that lost a baby'. I know most of them weren't thinking that, but I just felt like I had a mark or label on my head and just like I didn't belong. Like I belong in some sort of grieving convent or something. I know that most of this is probably me and my perception right now, but it's aggravating to realize this is where I am right now. It's been a while since I've had a good and deep conversation with anyone and it's all trapped inside my own head. There are many good things going on in my life right now, but there is also an overwhelming sense of grief. June is next month and it feels like the grief is growing deeper within my soul. Maybe I need another good cry in the shower moment?! I don't know. Something's got to give soon. Good grief I need some coffee! (Squirrel moment..don't mind me LOL) 

I'm trying my best not to go off of feelings or emotions, but it's so hard in the midst of this. Trying to push myself into being 'over it' or 'being ok'. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be okay, I know I've said that before; but I'm not sure I believed it before. I want so much to be okay. To be 'normal' or 'me' again. But honestly I don't know who those people are anymore. 
Maybe I'm finding my new normal still or the new me so to speak. It feels weird and odd. 

The girls especially Hannah, she says she misses Malachi a lot. And lately she's been asking if there's another baby in my tummy. I tell her no and ask if she wants another brother or sister, she replies, 'Brother!' She has enough sisters. She cracks me up. She's 5 years old but so old for her age! 
I'm trying to get mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for another pregnancy, but ultimately leaving it up to God.