Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump [Official Video]

This song is beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes automatically. A friend of mine on Facebook shared it with me and I am going to share it with you guys. It does bring a bit of healing a long with it. :) Enjoy and grab your tissues!

Alone....?!

Tonight, before I lay my head on the pillow there are so many feelings going through my mind and body.
I feel so anxious, alone, distant and disconnected. My hormones are going wild and leaving me beside myself.
I know I'm not alone....I think! I know people have gone through this before. But I feel like I'm in a sort of wilderness I've never been in before and am not sure how to navigate my way back to civilization. It's the oddest thing, it's like watching your life unfold in front of you while you just take a backseat because you simply don't have the strength to sit in the front and steer anymore. This is where I am this week... Easter is coming up this weekend, and I have no desire to make Easter baskets or get eggs ready for my girls to hunt. I'd really like to have my life back on track and feel some sense of normalcy again. It almost feels impossible. And I'm wondering if that 'normalcy' will ever return.
Please keep praying for me! I don't feel like I've really talked to anyone lately. Kind of like many people are like; " It's been a month, get over it!" That just isn't the case and probably isn't for most people. I'd like to happily 'get over IT'. But my IT isn't just an IT! My IT happens to be a little boy named Malachi who stole my heart and part of my mind apparently and you just can't get over IT in a day let a lone a life time!!! But the question remains, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I move on from this point?" My arms are empty, my heart aches and I feel like I'm suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when in fact I just feel like I'm falling apart inside. I hate it as much as my loved ones around me can sense it, but feel helpless on what to do.
I go back to my OB tomorrow morning to see if there is anything we can do to help with the hormone fluctuations or if it's just something I have to 'ride out'. I don't like taking anything that I may have to depend on for more than 2 mo. Especially artificial stuff that my body doesn't need. Hopefully she'll help get me started down the right direction or at least know which way I need to go next.

Good night all. I hope you're doing well!

Ode to Superwoman

Good bye Super Woman, Hello Super Mom! ;)

This morning I'm sitting here at the computer with my cup of coffee (decaf), thinking about Super Woman. What were her attributes? Also thinking I'm not the Super woman I thought I was. While Googling the super hero fenom. I came across this video, I don't think I've ever heard this song from Alicia Keys. I love her voice and soulful sound and this song is perfect for how I am feeling currently.  

Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I've been trying to do too many things and keep myself busy. It all came crashing down around me. I need to realize that I can do many things and multitask well, but ultimately if my 'plate' becomes too full then something is going to go lacking. March 4th I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree online. Online schooling can be pretty demanding at times, but does work around my busy schedule. I also went back to work that day after having 2 weeks off. It felt good to get back, but at the same time bittersweet. My girls and I had a relaxing and healing time during those 2 weeks. So, what happened yesterday? I got written up for 2 things, 1 thing I knew I needed to work on. The other for something I'm fairly sure I did, but could not find the proof or anything stating otherwise. Work is usually my refuge from my crazy home...it's good to get out with other adults and have an adult conversation, make some money and then go home at the end of the night feeling like you accomplished something other than wiping noses and butts for no compensation other than an, "I love you Mom" and sometimes you don't even get that. It wears on you. After yesterday and everything just weighing on my 'super mom' shoulders I've been lead to the decision to be back at home. 

My husband by the way got a new job within the same week he was fired from the previous one. Thank you Jesus! It was a complete and total God thing! Along with this job for him, comes the ability for me to be able to stay home. It will replace both of our incomes and eventually give us extra. I'm still wondering if it's too good to be true. But I'm trying my best to have faith that God is the one who placed this job in Adam's path and that He will be the one to sustain it and bless it. I loved my job and still do, I just don't feel like I can do the best job there while my mind is at home and school. For me it's just too much and I've been messing things up. 

Oh and my lovely body just decided to take a dump on me too. I've been sick for about 2 weeks now, I think. I don't know..it's felt like along time. And my hormones have also decided to kick in overtime. So it seems like I've got a bit of post partum depression...which SUCKS!!! So for any of my friends who I've hung up on, started crying out of no where with, or just been irrational. I am sorry!! 

My goal that has been on my heart since having Malachi is to get healthy. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There has to be balance and I need to find it. My family needs me to find it. My approach: natural vitamin and mineral supplements, exercise and organic, low to no processed foods and limiting my sugar intake. Wish me luck! 

The Angry Post...PG-13.. Keeping it Real!

I'm sitting here wondering why it happens...picking at 'scabs', I mean. It can be inadvertently or intentionally. But it happens from time to time. This week I learned of another family in our area that lost their baby boy. It brings up so much pain from my loss because I completely understand or at least I think I understand their pain. It makes me angry that someone else has to know this pain and right at our 'front door'.

Secretly, I feel like I'm dying inside. I've got so much pressure going on right now other than Malachi and I just don't know how much more I can deal with before I reach my breaking point. My husband lost his job this past Monday by just doing his job; he lost it. And that to me makes no sense at all. I want vengeance. I feel like our family is being 'picked on' at the worst possible time.

 It's been 3 weeks since Malachi's been gone and I miss him so much. I miss being pregnant. I got short changed, it wasn't supposed to end like that. What the hell?! I guess I'm getting to the angry point of the grieving process or maybe it's just the whole load of shit that's been piled on top of an already screwed up situation?! This is the side I'm afraid to show people. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. God's still letting me take things in strides and I know He's still right beside me and won't leave me, but damn it...I'm angry!! This is just pure BS! We were supposed to be moving at the end of the month into an actual house, not an apartment and that's not going to happen. We might move, but it will be into a bigger apartment. I HATE apartments, but it's our only option at this moment in time since I'm the only one working. Work and my family that's still alive...keep me sane. Whatever that is! How am I supposed to look to the future when my future's ass seems to be getting kicked by the past?! Am I missing something? What am I supposed to be learning from this? What's the purpose of this crap? I know I'm not handling it well, just by reading over this post. LOL Am I mad at God...I think I'm getting there. It seems like my life has been nothing but struggles since day one...literally. I had to fight to live, and I'm still fighting to stay alive today in some sense. I know it could be worse and there are people going through a lot worse than I am right now and God bless them. Right now this is my trial, frustration and pain. My burdens to bare for whatever reason or point. Probably so that someone else going through it will have be able to find some sort of comfort or strength from it. But right now...this just flat out SUCKS!

That's it for now..have a good night everyone. Hopefully a good nights sleep will bring new light to things and rest to my weary mind.

Memories of Labor and Delivery (TMI warning)

It's kind of crazy what will trigger certain memories. My husband was just asking me about a game I have on my phone. This is the memory it triggered: I was trying to keep my mind occupied during labor and was playing the particular game he mentioned. But while in the hospital, I'm having a hard time placing my husband. I know he was there, but he also left the room a couple of times. When we got there our pastors were outside praying and talking with him. Then he went to lunch. I consistently remember my friend being there on the opposite side of me, but my husband was sitting on the other just kind of in the same daze I was in. 
I think I found more comfort and support in my friend who was with us than my husband. She also provided a good distraction. Otherwise Adam and I would have just sat in silence the whole time wondering if this was really happening. I'm so thankful that they were both there and the prayers that were being silently said whether in the room or else where meant the world to us and me! I definitely felt a cover of peace and ease while in labor and during the delivery! 
There were many uncomfortable times. I could get up and out of the bed to use the bathroom however. Hospital beds are very uncomfortable in general. Thankfully I wasn't hooked up to any monitors, but was to an IV I could drag around with me. The one time things got painful was right before I asked for the epidural. I got up and walked around a bit after the attempt of the epidural which made things a lot better and more tolerable. My back was now sore, but the contractions had mellowed out after getting up and using the bathroom. But that's when the urge to have a BM hit. I got a little nervous, but went anyways. A few minutes later, I had the urge again and I was like, "Ok, call the nurse in, this isn't right." Then she came in and checked me and sure enough Malachi was about to make his way out. I was not ready at all for that! I was thinking, "Can I just go to the bathroom instead of doing this?!" Yeah right! We call the Doctor who had just headed to lunch right after the epidural attempt. I think she may have had 20 minutes if that. So she comes in and checks for herself...(the most unpleasant experience is having another woman stick her whole hand inside of you!) then asks if she can change into scrubs because things can get messy. I told her she better hurry and at this point the contractions were getting a little more intense and I was holding back the urges to push. It seemed like it took her 10 min. to change when I think it was probably only about 5. 
Then the time came to start pushing. With my husband on my right and friend on the left, doctor at the bottom with the nurse (who by the way I really was NOT impressed with at all, but that's another story). There were no stirrups involved just us and the bed. And it was the most uncomfortable way to give birth....flat on the back, knees to the chest.... 
The doctor trying to help things along, but not pulling. Malachi started on his way out butt first, but completely in his water sac. I didn't watch him exit. I just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes to look down there. I didn't know what I was going to see. My doctor was worried that he would lose a body part or that the placenta would need to be surgically removed by D&C. It was a pure miracle my Doctor kept telling me that he was born in his sac. This is VERY rare! That was a blessing in itself! They try to hand him to me right after they cut his tiny cord, I wasn't ready to hold him or see him yet. I wanted them to clean him up a bit first and hand him to me like a normal baby. So they did. It made me feel a little bit better. 
But...the moment they handed him to me it became even more real. He wasn't mine...He was God's! His body was mine for the few hours we had with him. Between Monday and Tuesday. We hadn't thought about funeral arrangements or burial or cremation anything. It was just a matter of getting him out since he was....gone. 
Adam and I held each other and I held our son in my hands. He wouldn't fit in my arms. He was too tiny. He was warm for the first little bit. We did have the nursery take him, he was kept away from the rest of the nursery in a colder area until we had time to process. They took pictures and put a little hat on him. 
All I could do for the first little while with him was just look him over. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little nose and his daddy's full powty lips. His little ears hadn't fully developed yet. But you could definitely tell he was a little boy. His little legs were so tiny they didn't look very strong, not like his arms. But he was precious! He was mine for that little while! From 1:20 pm to about 9:00 pm that night when we had the funeral home pick him up. I was not going to let the hospital turn my son into medical waste! We chose to cremate him. There are 3 funeral homes in our town and only 1 would cremate an infant. They also did everything for no charge at all. We were thankful, but didn't expect that. 
Now, I have my son home.... in a little box that I have to explain to my daughters that his little body or what's left of it is in there. 

Ok, this is it for now...I can't write anymore....

Going Through the Motions

Today ( Sun. 3/10/13) I got the not so fantastic idea to clean out my girls things and start getting ready for the next season and sizes. Since they're all 2 years apart I have one that's almost out grown all of her 18 mo. clothes and needs bigger ones. So I pull out the boxes and lo and behold I find some things that are gender neutral. What do I start doing?! Thinking about Malachi, he would have looked adorable in this or that. I start putting those things aside for the possible next baby. 

Some things have gotten easier, but some things have not. Hannah my oldest, pulled my shirt up today and said, " I miss Malachi and your tummy is getting back to normal again." THEN Lilly my middle child chimes in, " When is Malachi waking up and coming back?" We've told her about the Death and Resurrection of Jesus so I think this is what she is associating death with. She asks many times a day and week when Malachi is coming back. It truly breaks my heart! I often wonder if it would be easier to have another baby soon just so the questions like these will stop. Again, I know that even for them, there will be no replacing their baby brother or as they knew him their 'bubby'. I think it would just refocus them onto someone else who would be new. (Sorry, my thinking is probably way screwed up right now, so please excuse my temporary lunacy).  We've found some of his clothes that were given to us in the laundry that have brought up more conversation this past week. 

These things don't seem to affect Adam as much as they do me. I know that he still thinks about Malachi at times, but he never got to the point of fantasizing about the future with him. Since he couldn't see him or feel him like I could. But I know too, that the stress of this loss has been taking it's toll on Adam as well. He seems to be a bit more quiet or irritable at times too. I've always wondered why God would allow someone to have a child or be pregnant with one or more then just take it/them away?! I struggle with that right now. I see some purposes for it, but ultimately I just don't get it. Adam has not read this blog to my knowledge. I think he's dealing with things in his own ways and we do talk about it occasionally, but not often. We try to go on about our daily business and taking care of our other kids. I really do not think either one of us are in denial what so ever....some days I think it would be nice. Like waking up from a bad dream. But we all know that's not going to happen. 

Something I have found that help is that I am still preparing for another child. I know that some day we will have one more. It gives me hope. And this way we won't have to rush with trying to get the things we absolutely need in time for their arrival. After 3 kids most things that we have or have had are worn out and need replaced. So, I plan on slowly replacing them...ie Bassinet, bouncer, dresser, etc... 

If anyone has been through the loss of a sibling or is a parent who has gone through this before, please leave some comments below and let me know of what helped you through this. Like books, counseling, or anything really. Thank you! 

I think I'll end it here for today. It is dinner time here and I have had very little appetite yet, but I still need to feed the rest of the family. Have a great week everyone and I'll write more later. 

God bless!

Fear and Anxiety (Will it happen again?)

While I was I pregnant with Malachi, I didn't realize how much anxiety I had. I would lay down for bed at night and picture the most horrific scenes of things happening to my kids or family. It was crazy! 

After Malachi was born, I would picture his birth over and over. Still as horrifying as the others, if not more because it was real. Even with a sleeping pill, I would only sleep for 4 hours a night. That was for the first two nights at least after he was born. I get a little more sleep now, it's been a bit over 2 weeks since his birth/death. I do sleep a bit more, but even after sleeping however long I feel exhausted.

God has given me peace about Malachi's birth and death, so I don't picture that or anything else horrifying before going to sleep. However my new fear is of losing another child if I become pregnant again. I know that my likely hood of it happening again is very slim. But it still scares me! 
Will we try again? Probably...when? I have no idea. I'm not going to share that information on here..sorry! 

Healing in the Midst (Resource List)

3/9/13: I am currently working on a more informative resource page (will be located to the right of the blog posts) that will list actual resources for pregnancy loss and what comes along with it...ie grief, etc. 
9/2013- There is a Pregnancy Loss Resource List on the right hand side of this blog under the 'Pages' Section labeled 'Pregnancy Loss Resource List' for those websites and helpful things that I have found. :)

Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

A good name is better than fine perfume,
    and the day of death better than the day of birth.
² It is better to go to a house of mourning
    than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
    the living should take this to heart.

Isaiah 43:1-2 NLT

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
    O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
² When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

Isaiah 61:1-3 NLT

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
    for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
    and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.^[a]
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,^[b]
    and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
³ To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Kutless: Arms of Love This is the song that was going through my head as my Doctor gave me the bad news:  That Malachi had passed away. God wanted to tell me through this song that He didn't do this to hurt me. But to draw me nearer into His arms of love. I could have been completely angry at God yelling at Him or pushing Him away. But instead I chose to recognize that He is the only source of comfort and peace that I could have at that time. My husband was at home sick. I chose to go to the appointment by myself, but knowing in the back of my mind that something was wrong. I knew that God was with me in that moment of hell. He didn't cause it, He allowed it...is what I chose to believe. Malachi is taken care of and blessed to be in Heaven for entire life. He never got the chance to know pain, suffering or any of the bad things. He's only ever known good and will ever only know good. God put me in His arms on Feb. 18, 2013 and carried both of us and still is. His grace is sufficient for me!! 

Unspoken; Who You Are   This song has so much meaning for me. I started crying my eyes out when I first heard it. It feels like God speaks directly to me through the words. It describes exactly where I was and where I am now. Sadly, pain has always been my best teacher. Being lost not knowing how to get back to where I was with God. God used Malachi to help lead me back to the Cross! So much religion and routine had snuck into my 'relationship' with God, to the point where my relationship consisted of just doing and appearing to be a Christian. Sure I prayed, but it wasn't the heartfelt, effective prayer that God wants and gives us the power to do. So...here I am, broken, changing and at the foot of the cross...just the messy person I am right now..and for once I'm totally okay with that. I'm not trying to hide how I feel or what I think everyone wants me to be like. Praise God!

Tenth Avenue North: Worn While laying in bed with spinal headaches, this was my song. I felt horrible. I couldn't get in an upright position for longer than 5 minutes without wanting to throw up. On top of my milk coming in, losing Malachi and the headaches...this is exactly how I felt! It just wasn't fair! I was worn out and this became the cry of my heart

Kutless: Carry Me to the Cross : When I was too weak from either crying or pain, He carried me! Sanctus Real: I'm Not Alright: It's okay to be not okay!

Kutless: Even if the Healing Doesn't Come : I don't believe there will ever be a full healing from this experience. There will always be a 'scar', but God knows and is always good! 

** I will add to this as time passes. These are just a few of the things that have helped me along the way. 

4/19/13~ I just posted an actual resource list of helpful websites and blogs to go along with this post or for general need. 

Grieving Malachi Pt. 1

It's been a rough week. Today is a rough day. I need to write, just to get the thoughts out of my own head to quit tormenting me. I went in Monday for a routine check up with the OB, to find out our little one had no heart beat. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. I hadn't felt so much of a twitch in weeks. I didn't think much of it, because he wasn't as active as my girls were, so I just thought he was the calm, lazy one. But something in the back of my mind told me to be prepared if he wasn't.
 In the ultrasound room with my Dr. and the tech, I just let loose the tears. Adam was at home sick. I didn't feel alone thankfully, I knew Jesus was right there with me. It didn't keep the sting from being any less severe, but I knew that he was there! Malachi passed away shortly after my 20 wk anatomy ultrasound, which showed everything and every little part growing perfectly. But something had happened, we just didn't know what or why.

Tuesday at 5 am was the scheduled 'birth'/induction date. Since I was going on 24 weeks, I would have to go through labor like normal, but thankfully, I wouldn't have to reach the full 10 cm like 'normal'. They gave me an IV with fluids and the rest was by mouth or the 'other end'. I attempted to have an epidural, but when she hit spinal fluid, I knew she would have to find a new spot and do it again. At that point I said forget it! Shortly after that at 1:20 pm he was 'born'. There is nothing on earth that could have prepared me for that moment! I didn't want to see or experience giving birth to my dead child and it keeps playing over in my mind. A lifeless little body, that resembled a baby, but it just wasn't. He had his daddy's lips and chin. And my nose. Why did God quit knitting him? What went wrong? Why?! Why?

I didn't feel prepared at all to have another baby in the house, but I've viewed every child as a miracle and God's blessing no matter the timing. He will give you want you can handle! We have 3 girls, this was supposed to be our boy..the one that would complete our family. Am I angry? Not at God, a little at myself. I see a purpose and a plan for this, but it hurts like hell.

No parent should ever have to go to a funeral home to bury or cremate their child that they didn't really even get to know. It's just not fair or right. I am however thankful that he is with Jesus in His loving arms and will never know the pain, fear and struggles of this world or life. I almost feel like that's more fair than him being here with me and my family.

I don't think it's fair that my body still senses the need to wake up every few hours to feed a baby that isn't there. My arms feel empty and my heart is sick. That part pisses me off. My head knows, but my body doesn't.

Honestly though, I almost knew from the very beginning that we weren't 'playing for keeps' with this little guy. I never felt like I was pregnant other than seeing myself be. I didn't have a change in appetite other than not wanting to eat as much. I hesitated when buying things to 'prepare' for him.I didn't have that sense of well being, like most pregnant women do. It just didn't feel right. But I just attributed those feelings to, it's a boy. I'm used to girls. So, it's supposed to feel different, right?! RIGHT?!

The Dr said we could try again in a few months since I'm healthy and the baby was. It looked like there was a thin spot in his umbilical cord, meaning he tangled himself up too much at one point and cut off his oxygen or something else went wrong with the umbilical cord. I don't know if I want any more children at this point, but I do feel the sense of in-completion/unfulfilled. I think that is to be expected though!

I'm sure I'll be writing more since it helps, but this is it for now. It's been a rough day!

An 'Aha' Moment

While showing someone my tattoo of Malachi's feet. It came to me that the words, 'My son...' came out of my mouth. I felt like after losing him I wouldn't get the honor of being his mom/mommy etc. But thinking on it now, I was his mom and I still am in some way. He will always be my little man. I love the Dr. Seuss saying. "A person's a person no matter how small."  I have daughters and it was amazing to just say, 'My daughter', for the first time after my first daughter was born. I felt important somehow. Like, someone needs me 24/7. I love being a mommy! I'm blessed that God has given me the little people he has and taken the one He needed to be with him. :)

Healing in the Midst

It has been one heck of a week. I was finally able to get up and out of bed for longer than 5 minutes because of the horrible headaches from the try at the epidural. NEVER AGAIN!! I'd rather be shot. Seriously! That was Sunday. We went to church, tried to hide in the back, but our pastor found us and sent the flock to pray for us. I was still in pain and had to kind of lay on Adam or back in my chair. Thankfully we didn't have to repeat the blood patch to try and get rid of the headaches.

Spiritually, I feel stronger than ever. I feel like the death of my brother from cancer prepared me for any type of death to come. Cancer makes you suffer and so sick. He died with a smile on his face and gave me so much peace in my understanding of death and heaven. He was the man who basically raised me. I lost it for 4 days, and by lost it I mean I was actually hospitalized and given antidepressants. I just didn't know what to do. I needed that time to just grieve. I was angry, confused and anything you could think of. I came to the peace after this had happened. Through his death, I see more peace and grace in my understanding of Malachi's passing. I'm not angry! I'm not exactly happy or joyful about it. But I do have joy in the knowledge that he is up there with my nephew and my brother. As well as Jesus!!

I get lost sometimes in the thought of Malachi. What would it have been like to hold his live body? Would he have been a cuddly baby? What would his personality be like? What color would his hair and eyes be? What kind of man would he be? And so on. We did hold Malachi, but he had no hair yet, and his eyes were not open yet either.

Last night was a hard night. I was crying in my husbands arms. It was difficult to tell him what was wrong. I feel like no one understands how I feel. I'm trying to put up this strong front at times, but at the same time I need to know that it's okay to not be 'okay' all the time. I told him that, "I miss Malachi, I just want to hold him. Why can't we have a son? Is there something wrong with me? What's wrong with me?" So, I do have my moments of curling up in a ball and crying!

Oh and please for the love of fuzzy baby bunnies and all things good. DO NOT.....DO NOT, put the stages of grief in front of me and ask me where I think I am in the process!!!! I do not like to be categorized or told how to grieve! I love you guys and am thankful that you are here for me and my family at this time. But unless you have been through a loss, don't tell me how I should deal with it! Thanks! You may just get punched in the face right now.

The tattoo: I'm not opposed to them. This is my third and most meaningful of them all. I got Malachi's footprints, name and wings with a halo on my forearm. I needed this, for me. I needed to know that he will always be a part of me other than just a memory.

I am thankful for the friends who don't feel like they're stepping on egg shells around me thinking I will break like glass if they even mention the word baby or loss etc. I can handle a normal conversation about every day things. I prefer those, but I'm not going to fall apart if you mention Malachi or anything like that. It is better for me to talk about it than to deny he even existed or that his death and birth never took place.

I did have to go into labor and deliver him just like I would any other child. Was it traumatic? You bet! When the time came to push, I thought I would have more time before that time came. Mental preparation just didn't happen. I don't think it could have. He was born in his water sack, which made his birth a lot easier than it could have been. I was told that in cases like mine, it could take an hour or more pass the placenta and even then it may not pass and they would have to haul me into surgery. Thankfully, everything came out with him. It was over. They cleaned him up a bit and handed him to me. My Dr. was so amazing! She is the mother to 4 sons. She reminds me of 'Hot Lips' from Mash. She is very spunky and mouthy at times. I loved it! She is also a very warm and tenderhearted woman and God knew I needed her to help me through this. I had only met her the day before Malachi was born. His official birth date was February 19,2013 at 1:20 pm He weighed 8.7 ounces and was 9 inches long. It amazed me! God knits his people together so delicately and intricately.

What has been helping me the most to heal? K-Love honestly! It's like God speaks to me through the music. I'll put up some of the songs that He's been using. As well as some Scripture verses that have been imprinted on my heart for years. I'll post some of those things in a different post later.

Grieving Malachi Pt. 2

As I'm sitting here gathering some things that I've wanted to take pictures of things I want to share and finding songs on YouTube that have helped me out in the midst of everything.

I have come across Malachi's ultrasound pictures. Even then, I knew something was wrong. I don't know why or how, because they told me everything was fine and looked great. But when I saw his head tucked down to his chest. I had a sinking feeling. I just knew that wasn't right. He had plenty of room in there! The ultrasound tech went on to show me his precious, sweet face in 4D. Those pictures are amazing! But with finding these pictures and looking through them, I've got my box of Kleenex next to me. I miss him! I didn't know him, but I miss him. I just want to hold him, kiss his sweet face.

Anyways, we brought him home Sunday evening. Like this. No parent should ever have to bring their baby home like this! This hurt beyond words can express!! I cried off and on from the time Adam brought him to the car until I went to bed that night. There is nothing warm and cuddly about this. I did hug and kiss the urn. For what good it does, it brings a sense of comfort knowing that he is home with us at least his ashes are. I find great comfort in knowing that his little spirit is being cared for by our Heavenly Father. Before we called the funeral home to pick him up. We held him one last time. I touched his little hands and feet one last time. I kissed his little head. He was so fragile. It did my body better in the sense that labor didn't last that long for me, but the two weeks he was left in there, was not good for his body. That was a harsh reality. He was a baby, but not what one would expect to see right after birth, being alive or dead. We did take pictures, but I won't be sharing those.

Sunday evening Adam and I were able to take a walk together alone. Some dear friends of ours watched our girls for us. We took a walk along the river in Cotter. It was so beautiful. Since we came home from the hospital Wednesday, we hadn't really talked much about anything other than the necessary things. It felt like a wall was being put up between us. We just didn't know what to say to each other. Tuesday night when we said our final, 'Goodbye'. We held each other in tears, no words were needed. I'm so thankful that we have each other no matter what. This walk allowed us time to talk about the ,'Now what?' aspect of things. Things happened so fast from Monday to Tuesday and throughout the week. I just felt shocked and like I couldn't move. What was I supposed to be doing other than taking care of the girls and myself? Before we learned of what happened to Malachi. We were in the process of preparing to move, somewhere. So, our first step forward is to find a new larger home for rent for all of us and our stuff. :) Our little apartment has been outgrown.

When we had Addisyn we felt like we were done having kids. We had enough for us. But when we learned we were expecting Malachi, we were overwhelmed and scared. Our babies would only be 19 mo. apart.  When we found out it was a boy, we were so excited. I don't know why that changed my perspective and attitude. I've always wanted a son, I don't know why and now wish I could just be content having my girls. Adam is completely happy with his little princess' and I'm very thankful for that, he's a wonderful dad! I just feel like someone is missing and well, he is. I get a little bitter, frustrated and jealous when I see people with their little boys or are pregnant with boys. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can't have boys or something. I feel cheated. I know this sounds wrong and well this is where I am right now. It sucks, but I know it will pass too. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those of you who have boys. It just kind of hurts right now, I think of the 'what ifs' or the mile stones I would have gotten to experience with Malachi, but now I don't. That just hurts.

I had to ask Adam if he wanted any more kids. After losing Malachi, I feel unfulfilled or incomplete. It may pass and it may not. I don't know, but I needed to know his answer on the topic. At the hospital, he said a clear and flat out, 'No!'. I was devastated! I didn't even know in the hospital if I wanted anymore. How could he make a decision right there. But on the other hand I did ask him.

So this walk gave us time to think about it more and give a more clear thought answer to the question. I want one more. When I was pregnant with Malachi. I felt the Lord had given me two names. I thought for a while that we were having twins. I got big fast. I told Adam what they were and he said the second was just too much for a middle name. The name was Zechariah, but would most likely be Zachariah or Zack for short. It means; The Lord Remembers. So, maybe one day we will have a son because the Lord remembers!? I keep thinking about Sarah and Hannah in the Bible. Why was their desire to have a son? Why is it my desire to have a son? Adam gave me the answer of; 'Yes, just not right now.' and I'm okay with that. I'm not ready to have anymore kids any time in the near future. Addisyn needs potty trained, I want to see how Hannah will do in homeschooling this next year. Lilly is just cool with whatever, which makes my life a lot easier. We'll probably try to get some sort of preschool curriculum for her to do while Hannah is doing her school work. I'd also like to see us a little more stable in some areas before we add one more to our litter. :)