What's up Buttercup?! (An Update on muah)

Here's an update on how I'm doing. I feel the need to put this here because some have expressed concern for me...thanks btw. I haven't been talking to anyone or writing which has been BAD! I've been locked inside my own brain so to speak and that's a damning place. It's not necessarily that I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone. It's that I didn't want to. I feel like this is a 'special club' and like no one understands or can really help me. So that whole 'suffering in silence' that comes along with miscarriage/stillbirth attacked me when I wasn't looking. I now understand why some women can't talk about their experiences. The pain sweeps over you and there are no words to express how deeply hurt you feel on the inside while still walking around daily like you're 'fine'. I guess the point has come where I wear my grief daily and things have just piled on top of that. It seems like we can't catch a break and the struggle of every day life has just overcome me as well. Right now I need to take a few steps back to process like looking at things from an outside perspective. Some of you may not know what all has been going on. 

1. We were waiting to find out if Adam got a permanent job with the Post Office. He did. It didn't work out due to expenses that were not foretold to us until he got there on his first day. 

2. I started working again. Although I am so excited and LOVE my new job, it is new and not what I'm used to in my daily routine and still feel a little guilty for not being a mom and taking care of the house. I felt like that was my 'calling' or purpose. But I'm so happy where I am. I'm trying not to sabotoge it with my downer attitude. 

3. We got Adam's car back from the dealer in Springfield because the engine blew a month after he got it. Then Thursday it went out again. So now we're waiting to hear from them on whether we can trade it for something else or not. It's still under warranty etc...so that's good, but I'm like REALLY?! I'm just like keep the thing and erase our debt from it. We can't afford another car pmt right now anyways. 

4. Just when I thought our financial nightmare was about to be solved by Adam getting the permanent route and me working. I was completely blind sided and let down. So that's the biggest disappointment that seems to be overwhelming. I was looking forward to paying off overdue bills and blessing others. 

5. A person who said they'd always be there for me no matter what, blocked me and made things very clear that they were no longer a part of my life, with no explanation or warning. That hurts A LOT..it's like another death! It sucks! 

6. We've moved twice in 2 months and are looking at possibly moving again since my husband doesn't have a job right now and rent is pricey. 

I didn't grow up with everything handed to me or anything, but I had what we needed. Right now we are struggling to give our girls the things they need and that kills me. I feel like an irresponsible teenage parent who doesn't take care of business. This is not what I had pictured for adulthood or parenting. So I think I feel really disappointed in myself and my abilities to provide or be the parent that I wanted to be. (I know  I need to get that out of my head and just get over this crap, because it's not doing me any good.) 

With those things said I'll now insert what I wrote on the status update; It's probably not that big of a deal to some and you're probably thinking holy crap..she waited this long to break out the anti-depressant?! But after a few friends and others have expressed their concern for me I thought it was probably over due. I did try eating healthier, taking vitamins etc... and after this season in my life passes I'll continue to go that route. And truthfully, I think I make mountains out of mole hills; a lot of little things can make things seem very overwhelming and out of control and that's where I'm at. Thankfully Adam and I are good and STILL married....LOL Everyone has their issues and we're all working through them. Thank you all for your love, support, prayers and kind words of encouragement. You are the ones who have held me up when I couldn't along with Jesus of course. Love ya'll!

Also, I'm sorry if at times you feel like I'm whining or complaining A LOT! Sorry! That's not how I want to come across or anything and I get tired of people whining too...I'm like grow up or get over it. But until you are going through things, it's hard to understand what that person may be experiencing. So thanks for walking this crazy journey with me! 

Where to begin the healing process.... a post for those who just joined the crappiest club on earth!

This post is for those who may not know where to begin to grieve. Or not even know that it's okay to do so.

Here's your permission! Grieve!

What is grief? In my words: hell, crying, screaming, denial, regrets, guilt, shame ( like my body failed me, what's wrong with me? and so on), depression, anger, and acceptance. Everyone's grief may not look like this or may not happen in this order. So whatever you are feeling, give yourself permission to feel it, even if you have other children or a spouse to take care of. It is important and healthy to grieve in whatever manner you find yourself doing it in. Whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom or eating your own tears. These will come in waves and much like a roller coaster of emotions and such. I am in no way a doctor or counselor. I've just had my fair share of losses including Malachi, except he was the only child I lost.

Anyways, you may find me joking or making light of things. It is how I deal, it's not meant to offend or be disrespectful!!

If you can, find a support group in your area. If you want to remain anonymous for whatever reason, there are plenty of online support groups you can join. However, I do recommend you eventually allow your grief to be open for all to see. There is no shame in grief! It's a normal state of being even if people don't like or want to see it, they need to. Everyone is still a person and susceptible to death and all it entails!  I'm still learning how to allow my grief to be 'worn' in public. And no it doesn't look like a train wreck for me, I can be happy but at the same time I want to allow myself to be okay with being whatever on whatever day people see me. Hope that makes sense.

Find some faith! I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and ultimately I believe He's the only one true source of comfort and healing. I have a relationship not a religion! Prayer has helped me through this more than talking to anyone or anything!!
You may believe and find something else. I'm not one to judge or comment on your choice.

Be open with others, don't isolate yourself! Depression can lurk around any dark corner if you let it. Suicide is an easy way out and not one to chose, you were left here for a purpose and don't doubt that for a second. Your child is in the best place ever! You job now is to hold that child in your heart instead of your arms, which is the hardest job on earth at this moment in time! It's okay to claim that child and say you have x amount even if they are not living. You are still a parent!!

Facebook and Twitter can be a wealth of resources and information for groups of parents who have lost children. I am on a couple myself.

When you are strong enough, be a light and help to others; like I'm trying to be. It has given me the most hope and has allowed me to view my loss and handle it in stride instead of all at once like being hit by a Mac truck.

There are a list of resources on this page under the pages column on the right hand side. Take a look and see if any of those can help you or if you would like to add any please let me know.

My desire and wish with this blog and my mouth is to help break the silence of stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss. No one should have to suffer in silence because of shame, denial, pain, or guilt!!! It's okay to talk about it and share your experience with others. It may be taboo at this moment in time, but I want to help change that. Life is not all sunshine and flowers. And we shouldn't have to portray that image all the time.

If you would like to be able to reach me directly or know what else is going on, I have a page on Facebook labeled: Malachi's Wings it'd be great to have you there and you can message me with prayer requests or what have you.

I hope someone out there has found this helpful and please feel free to leave a comment below.
Thanks and God Bless!!

Grasping for a Safe Haven

This is where I turn when I feel I have no where else to go, hide or find safety from the hurt I feel inside. I wish I could just hide behind my husband and that things people say or do wouldn't hurt me so deeply in the ways that they do. My husband is a big strong, yet gentle guy and is a huge comfort to me.

 In any other circumstance the things that are being said would be completely appropriate for my ears and well they are now, but my heart cannot handle them. When someone announces a pregnancy or a new baby, I want to throw up. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
  As of June 13th. I have felt like I'm walking in an alternate universe. One that isn't right. One that my son does not live in and I do. I hate it. I want out, but I know that I ultimately don't. I don't want to leave my girls and husband to fend for themselves without a wife and a mother. I know that Malachi doesn't need me, but that he's more than adequately taken care of by our Heavenly Father. But I feel like a HUGE part of me is missing and even more greatly so than before. Malachi was due June 13th. I wonder what he would look like at almost a month old and how his chubby cheeks would feel against my mouth as they kissed them. Or how heavy he would feel in my arms, but yet so warm and alive. I will never feel those things with him, not on this side of heaven, and inwardly it's killing me!

This past month I could have sworn up and down that I was pregnant again. I was so excited and even told a few people. But apparently that was not so. I was late, not normal for me at all. However, I am highly stressed as we just moved again for the second time in two months. I feel like I'm teetering on a mental and emotional breakdown. Last month was the first month we just let things go and said if there's a baby great and if not that's okay too, but I can't help but feeling like my body failed me again. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had the problem of not getting pregnant. LOL So?! This is new for me. (7-11-13 After reading this paragraph, I should have put it a little more clearly that we've only been 'trying' for a month and this past month was a no go on the baby front. Which is okay, I need to give myself some slack and relax! A baby will come again when it's time, and I know that. If not, I'll be okay and beyond blessed by our 3 girls!)

I cannot bare to be at church right now to be around some insensitive people who don't realize they are being such. Or to walk around the baby section in Walmart. It's just too hard right now. I don't want to deal with it. I thought I was doing so much better than I am now, but obviously am not. There are no counselors that can really help me...all I get asked is... ' How does .... make you feel?' or other stupid things that help no one through anything except your ability to lose your money. haha I'd rather talk to close friends or family.
This is where I am and I hate it. I want out, but don't feel like there is a way out without Malachi. :( So please say a prayer or two for me if you read this.
Thanks!!

Tears to Float On

                                                     (Jesus calming the raging sea)





Lately, the tears have kept me afloat. Kind of a sad image, but a true one. This whole experience has been easier to write about than to physically talk or speak about. I get it out one way, but keep it in another way.

Psalm 42:3

My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Boy, that verse above is spot on! I feel in many ways I have lost my hope recently. I know that there are stages of grief and everyone goes through them differently and at their own pace, but why now. 3 months and some change later, I'm feeling hopeless?! Why not right away? I don't get it, but whatever. 

(I am longing for a 'garden moment' with God without distractions and to be truly by myself with my thoughts and God. This photo reminded me of it.)

I took a break from writing this post and now I'm back. Same day, different hour and feelings/reflections. I got to talk to a friend of mine who has walked this road ahead of me. She helped bring some things and feelings into perspective. As well as encourage me. It's so easy to take our eyes off of a perfect God and try to handle things ourselves thinking we can do it without help. I'm a big girl, I got this. That's when we start drowning and flailing our arms grasping for anything or anyone. I am there and am holding on to my life preserver once again. His name is Jesus and that's where I am supposed to be 24/7 especially trying to deal with everything on my plate that's currently there. Being human sucks, we're not perfect. We have fears, frustrations, failures and so on. 

I think where I also am right now is grieving the relationship I would have had with my son, the little hands that I would have held, the soft skin I would have touched, the bond of breastfeeding that I now no longer get to look forward to. Those things have died along with him. And I'm not okay with that too. I know he is gone, but all my hopes and dreams for him died along with him. I guess it's a good thing God is letting me grieve each thing one at a time. There's so much that goes into a tiny little person that takes so much out of us in life and death. I am actually thinking more so in life than death. I know he's in our Fathers safe and loving hands and arms and I'm thankful for that. I just miss the good things that would have happened in our lives because of him. My anxiety is on red alert just wondering if I do get pregnant with another son, will the same thing happen to him? Am I incapable of carrying boys? I'm not pregnant yet, but we are wanting to try again soon. The girls are even antsy. It cracks me up and annoys me at the same time. But I resign to laughter instead of tears in most cases when it comes to those types of things. 
I believe I'm ready to try for another child, I will definitely be trusting in God to make everything go smoothly because I know I'll be doing what I can on my part. I will try my best not to worry about the what if's and make myself sicker or anything like that. I refuse to let fear ruin my future pregnancy or health during it. Perfect love drives out fear.


 Oh Jesus, how I love you! You are perfect in every way. Let my heart and mind know that tonight! Speak peace over me and any other woman or man that are going through this very thing right now. Jesus wrap your arms around our children that we don't get to. Let them know we miss them SO much and love them just as much or more. Touch our lives and comfort us while we mourn. Let our tears accomplish something for the good. Let us know that our futures are in your hands and our children's as well. Grant peace to those who are trying for the blessing of another baby. Please don't let things like this happen twice or more in a row. But if they do Lord, show us the reason. Help us to understand why. Lead us beside still waters Lord, and teach us to be still in your presence. I love you Lord, and thank you for loving me! I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen! 

 I can picture this as being Jesus and Malachi exploring Heaven together. Jesus showing Malachi what everything is as he sees them for the first time ever. So gentle and innocent. No sin has ever touched either. <3

Why I Write and Share What I Do.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 NLT

A lot of people have asked or wondered while reading my blog or hearing me talk, why I share what I do about my experience. Or how I share so openly about such a delicate subject/experience.

Well, my answer is: If I kept my experience locked inside of me I would most likely be living in a constant state of denial. As well as why let something bad turn me bitter, angry, inward and so forth when I can and have the power to turn my loss into some sort of gain for the better. Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
With that being said, I hope that my loss would open peoples eyes against abortion. I shared photos of Malachi on my Facebook Page yesterday and he was clearly a person and had a heart beat. Let God be the judge of whether a child should not live or not. We had the choice to create that tiny human, but we do not have the right in my opinion to chose death for that little person!! Every person is a person no matter how small. ~Dr. Seuss. Everyone has a purpose from the moment they were created in their mothers womb!! I can't deny that now. Malachi was never an 'IT'. I loathe that word!! No one is ever an 'IT'!! If you think that you're an idiot!! (Soap box)

Yes, bad things happen to good people all of the time. Why does God let it happen? And so forth. I don't try to tackle those questions as much anymore. It's pretty useless. It's called life, God said we'd have struggles of many kinds, we'd suffer, etc...  1 Peter 1:6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. We don't have to let those things turn us into an ugly person no one wants to be around. Yes, I still grieve and get mad. I don't blame God to this day. I thank Him! What?! You heard me right! I THANK Him!! God gave me the GIFT of Malachi, I may not have him in the flesh with me right now. But you bet he's waiting in Heaven to meet his family some day. I have a treasure in Heaven far beyond what this world could have ever given me. When I get there, it's going to be better than Christmas!!

I realize many people don't or can't look at things in such a positive light as myself. I don't expect everyone to.
Hopefully this answered some questions. :)

Isolation Nation

                                 Photo from: ocelotbound.wordpress.com

Good morning! 

   At least I think it's good. I'm still trying to figure that out since my coffee addiction is being put off and I am suffering from withdrawals. haha 
  Recently, we moved into a nice duplex, and I have been super busy. When I get busy my mental status takes a backseat to the doing instead of being part of me. I'm reminded of Mary and Martha, when it comes to that. I'm trying so hard to get the house together to make it feel like a home that I mentally feel spaced out and inaccessible. 
 My poor husband hasn't had a real conversation with me in over a week. It's our usual..how was your day, how were the kids stuff. 

I haven't noticed until last night just how depressed and isolated I have become. I was in a large crowd, of people that I know and am usually very comfortable being around. But I haven't honestly been around those people since before I was pregnant with Malachi let alone after. I just felt like the one who stuck out like a sore thumb... " Like oh, 'She's the one that lost a baby'. I know most of them weren't thinking that, but I just felt like I had a mark or label on my head and just like I didn't belong. Like I belong in some sort of grieving convent or something. I know that most of this is probably me and my perception right now, but it's aggravating to realize this is where I am right now. It's been a while since I've had a good and deep conversation with anyone and it's all trapped inside my own head. There are many good things going on in my life right now, but there is also an overwhelming sense of grief. June is next month and it feels like the grief is growing deeper within my soul. Maybe I need another good cry in the shower moment?! I don't know. Something's got to give soon. Good grief I need some coffee! (Squirrel moment..don't mind me LOL) 

I'm trying my best not to go off of feelings or emotions, but it's so hard in the midst of this. Trying to push myself into being 'over it' or 'being ok'. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be okay, I know I've said that before; but I'm not sure I believed it before. I want so much to be okay. To be 'normal' or 'me' again. But honestly I don't know who those people are anymore. 
Maybe I'm finding my new normal still or the new me so to speak. It feels weird and odd. 

The girls especially Hannah, she says she misses Malachi a lot. And lately she's been asking if there's another baby in my tummy. I tell her no and ask if she wants another brother or sister, she replies, 'Brother!' She has enough sisters. She cracks me up. She's 5 years old but so old for her age! 
I'm trying to get mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for another pregnancy, but ultimately leaving it up to God. 

Health Update

Hubby let me get this to help motivate me to start running again. I hope it helps. But right now running is about as easy as a fat girl running away from a cupcake...it's just not happening. YET! That being the major word here! :)




Some of you are probably like what's going on with you and your body now? 

Well, to update you all. I quit taking birth control pills and finally stopped bleeding and the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling have also stopped. It feels great!! Apparently, birth control has the opposite effect on me and I believe I found this out a long time ago, but since it had been so long I forgot. Duh!! 
I have also been taking a prenatal vitamin, St. John's Wort, Melatonin occasionally to help me sleep or  (it works better than the generic for Ambien!!! For me anyways), Milk Thistle, Evening Primrose Oil, and drinking red raspberry leaf tea to help the uterine muscles etc.. I haven't honestly felt this good in a VERY long time! It's amazing how good you can feel once you figure out what your body needs and how to help it! 
I've also been doing a little work out at home that consists of squats, leg lifts, push ups, sit ups and a slew of other things. I can't run or jog very often because of bursitis in my left hip from my Army days. But I'm going to try to do it at least twice a week. I'll see if I can manage to get a mile in, but for now that's my goal as small as it seems. LOL 
I've also been eating a bit healthier than I was..not so much junk and not consuming as much as I was. I still have my hungry days where I feel like I could eat the kitchen sink, but I think that's stress eating. I need to push past that and stick to a routine...I think once we get moved and settled into our new house, the stress will fade a bit more...for a while at least I hope! 

God knows what I can handle! (And what I can't!)

After seeing so many pages on Facebook of small children having to have multiple open heart surgeries, fighting cancer and so on. God knew and still knows what I can handle. 

I know that a few things in here are things that tick some people off when being said about their lost child. So be warned now. 

I know that for some parents the thought of someone saying, "There must have been something wrong with him/her. So be thankful that God took him/her then." really disturbs and ticks people off. But to me, that brings me comfort. God knew I had 3 other little kids to take care of. He knew that I probably couldn't handle juggling one in the hospital because something was wrong or what not. I think I have a mans brain, like I want to fix all the problems and feel helpless when I can't. Or at least be able to comfort when something is wrong or painful. I am thankful that I didn't have to watch Malachi suffer at all and stand helplessly as he struggled or what not. 
I don't know how parents get through watching their child in pain day after day. I don't have that kind of strength. So bless those that do!!! 

Also, it really ticks me off when people down play the significance of my loss by not coming to grips with theirs and say things like.... 

"Oh you will/can have more." 
"I've had X amount of losses, and you just have to keep going." ......
There are many more, but those are a few that just rip me up inside. I want to scream, run away or punch someone! 
I just don't know how some women can be so callouss and careless with their words. 
I've also noticed that women that have had miscarriages earlier on tend to not be wounded as deeply as those who have had a stillbirth. Maybe it's the time frame of the amount of time being pregnant and then finding out they've lost their child. I don't know. There might be more bonding time there or something. 

We haven't had a memorial service or anything yet. But I think we need to do one soon. I think we need to let those people around us know that Malachi  was someone and he is/was important to us! He mattered, we care, we can move on, but please don't expect me or tell me to brush HIM under a rug and forget about him! Let me talk about my son, let me honor him with the words that I can express about his precious life! His life wasn't in vain, it wasn't unwanted! He was like any other child that would die after his parents knew him. Why is it that people get all huffy and uncomfortable when you mention a child that isn't here any longer? I don't expect people to say much if anything, I just want them to listen. I'm not going to be like the bad luck charm around other, I just want a chance to mention my son, just like my daughters who are living. What's so wrong about that? 


Below are a few things that have really brought me comfort over the past few weeks. 

Malachi's 2 mo. Angelversary was the 19th. I've been doing better emotionally so far this month, but the closer we get to June the deeper the void is feeling. 

1 Corinthians 10:3 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

The Void

The void keeps getting wider and wider as the time goes on. I can only imagine how June is going to feel without being pregnant or holding a baby in my arms. 

Something is missing! Someone is missing! Nothing fills the void that many of us feel. Trying to explain this feeling to others who have not experienced the loss of a child will most likely not understand this void. There are other types of voids, like losing another family member or pet, but I don't think they compare to this feeling at all. 

You get ready to have a child, prepare the nursery, buy the toys and clothes, pick out thee name and get to come home with nothing. You get to cling to the baby blanket you had and especially picked out for him, but that is all. You cry on your husband or significant others shoulder and hold on for dear life because you now have a better understanding of how precious life truly is. Daily you see or hear reminders of this little person. Why hide them or pretend they don't exist? That's one thing that gets me, why does it seem that people act like their child never existed? Is it easier for them to go on with life? If I did that I would feel like I was saying Malachi wasn't important or that he never was. I can't handle that! I don't want to put my grief on my sleeve so to speak, but at the same time I want to celebrate my child even though he is gone. I want those reminders, I want to talk about him. Even though he is not here, I still have those things and those special moments. 

I know there are people who just wonder and even say, " Can't you just move on already?" I just want to punch them and move on! Seriously! I don't think anyone even another baby would ever fill the void that Malachi has left. There was only one spot in our family for him and that is HIS position in our family. We may have another child in the future, but that child will be just that, a different child. Just as precious, loved and unique as the others. I had to explain this to Adam (my husband). That if we do have anymore children, we could never put  that child in the place of Malachi. It might be that this future child will help heal our hurt to some extent, but we would never put any type of 'golden/chosen child' weight on him or her. I think that made him feel better. I think that he thought I wanted/want another child to replace Malachi. Nope! 

I realize now that I want another child for many reasons. Some because we were getting ready to have another child anyways, my arms are empty and my heart is longing to care for, nurture and love another little one.To fill the void of someone missing. Not to replace! There are many other reasons, but these are just a few and sure, some may be selfish, but I think I am entitled to that right now! 

So if you are feeling these same things, just know that you're not alone! 

A New Resource List Has Been Posted

New Resource List on the Right

To add to the 'Healing in the Midst Resource List'; there is a better one that is posted in the Pages section of my blog. Please let me know if you have found anything helpful or useful and I will add it to the list. 

You may follow the links below: 

http://malachiswings.blogspot.com/2013/03/healing-in-midst-resource-list.html

http://malachiswings.blogspot.com/p/pregnancy-loss-resources-list.html

Be Still Oh My Soul

My soul is restless right now. I feel like I should be doing something constantly. Today, I want to be numb. Numb to any and all emotions that are rushing like a rampaging sea inside of me. Healing, I'm concluding; will not come. Not completely, not ever. No sincere, softly spoken word or small gift will ever be able to repair the hole in my heart or life. 

Trust has never been my strong suit. Even trusting God. I can't see Him, I can feel Him occasionally, but if I'm not in His word constantly or consistently I feel like the only person I can trust is myself. That's the flesh right there. I still have my days and when I started this post with the first paragraph, that was one of those days! There are so many things that can and will change in the blink of an eye and I have no control over any of it. My emotions at times are one of those things that go completely out of control and then sometimes have to apologize. 

The day I started this there were so many things going on and I kept waiting on God to reveal the outcome, whether it would be favorable to me or not. Isn't that funny how we always want to know how something will turn out towards us. That's our selfishness in action right there. I think we need to start thinking as a loving parent like the Father. He wants what's best for us and if it's not then sometimes it's a 'No!' or even sometimes it will be a 'Yes' just to test us. I don't think He does the later often. 
Anyways, when you feel restless, hopeless and helpless. Just let the Lord carry you. 

Lessons from Malachi pt. 1

Lesson 1: Health

 Take Better Care of Yourself Mom! 

Photo/Image Credit: Arian Armstrong (amazing artist btw)

In April of last year (2012), I got copper poisoning. It was horrible! I thought I was dying, literally. I got jaundice and every joint in my body hurt and was swollen. I looked like I was 3 months pregnant or more and was physically ill. But I wasn't sure how to get healthy again, other than to remove what was causing my illness. 

I did start taking herbal supplements that helped to regain balance in my body and eventually bring me back to some sort of functional health. Mentally, I still felt out of touch with reality and struggled with anxiety and depression, which for me was nothing new. It's something I've struggled with since I was a teenager. Although this health scare did knock a little bit of sense into me, I still just didn't feel right for months. 

In October we found out we were expecting Malachi. I was a little nervous, wondering if my copper levels had gone down to safe levels. I know that excess copper can be dangerous to pregnancies. Is that what caused Malachi's demise? We will never know. But I don't think so. 

After losing Malachi in February. I felt like God used that as a brick to my head telling me, "You really need to take better care of yourself!" I really didn't take care of myself when I was pregnant. I've already had 3 kids and know the do's and don'ts. But at this point, I don't think I was really active in protecting him or myself during this pregnancy. I didn't take my prenatal vitamin as often as I should have, I didn't eat healthy, I ate junk quite often. Did drink a little bit of wine on 2 separate occasions....not more than 1/2 a glass, but I never drank with the other kids. I craved it like it was going out of style and knew that it was okay every once in a while. ( I know some of you right now are probably thinking, 'No wonder!') Oh well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion.I also didn't see a Dr. until I was 19 wks...2 weeks before he passed away. Do I feel guilty or regret these things. Of course! If I could go back and do things differently, I definitely would! But do I think that doing this differently would have had a better outcome? No, honestly I don't.
 I don't think it had much to do with me and what I did or didn't do. I have eaten junk with my other kids, I ate what I craved. They all turned out healthy little troopers. I didn't take my prenatal much with my last daughter just like I didn't with Malachi. They would make me sicker. It was just something I would rather replace with the different types of foods with those nutrients or vitamins in them. I felt alright with both of those pregnancies, up until I started to get sick with Malachi...not knowing he had passed. I noticed my stomach had started to feel ill again and I was swelling abnormally. That was about week before I had Malachi, everyone in my family had gotten the stomach flu but me so I thought that's what was going on with me...I was getting the stomach flu. Then 3 days prior to his birth I started to feel even worse and started swelling. I knew something wasn't right. I had an appointment scheduled for the coming Monday and waited until then. 
Ok lets get back on track...back to healthy me... 

Malachi's death has taught me that there's much more to life even in death and grieving. I can only do so much. What I have control over is me. God had been talking to me before my pregnancy anyways to get healthy, take better care of myself. Watch what things I'm putting into my body and mind and soul. 
GMO's...have any of you really looked into what they really are? Scary stuff! And Monsanto? Really!!? I've started to eat more whole foods, unprocessed and I've cut out soda except Sierra Mist. I drink more herbal tea than ever. Take my vitamins regularly and get a pretty decent workout chasing my 3 crazy girls. Although I think I could stand to get some good cardio in sometimes. That will come in time though! 

Mind: Surround yourself with positive people who encourage you and lift you up in prayer and in their speech. I've been surrounded by a certain negative person for too long. It is past time to cut ties even if this person happens to be family. Watch what music I was allowing myself to listen to. Is it encouraging? Or vulgar? Or .....? There were many .....?'s. So I've been slowly removing those things. 

Soul: Stick close to the Lord in prayer, song and Word! I cannot emphasize these 3 things enough. It is SO easy to stray back into the normal routine of doing things on your own that you feel like I don't have time or need for these things. But they are essential to health and life period!! The enemy can creep in like a thief in the night and steal your joy, peace and patience along with many other parts of you. So bury yourself in Christ, in the sense that the devil can't mess with you, because he's got to go through Christ first to get to you!!! Don't put yourself out there with out your biggest and best protection...Christ!! 

So for Malachi and the rest of my family, my health is essential to their lives and well beings as well as mine and I think for the first time I'm starting to understand that better and in a whole new light! 

If you are struggling with caring for yourself after your loss. Don't give up hope! Sometimes focusing on your grief will show you how you can better take care of yourself than you could have thought about otherwise. It's kind of weird how it works, but your life is not over. It may only be starting...only differently. Nothing will be normal again, but a new normal...it's up to you to chose if that new normal will be good or bad! I hope you are able to take away a lesson of some kind from my lesson from Malachi and Jesus! Your grief is not your own, God gave it to you and your grieving is different from others, but it is not your own. It has not claimed you, but you need to claim it and not allow it to overcome you. I do pray for you momma's and papa's out there trying to find some good in the midst of the bad. Hang on! It will come around the corner soon. If you haven't read the book, "Heaven is For Real!" you should really read it, I think that is one of the most amazing gifts I have received lately. 

I think I will end this post here and hope that someone somewhere gained something out of this post they could use. God bless you all and may you all rest in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father tonight or today like you have not be able to before! 
Peace! 

Slow Your Roll (A Lightbulb Moment)

So, my brilliant self had this 'great' idea that I 'should' be back to normal. Physically at least. Right?! WRONG!! I didn't take into account that I have been extremely more active after giving birth to Malachi. I didn't take into account the 'DUH! I just gave BIRTH 6 weeks ago fact.' 

I'm not waking up for feedings, which is great, but even with the solid sleep I'm still not getting rest or lounge around time throughout the day keeping/kicking my feet up for hours. So, of course it's going to take my body longer to heal, if I'm not getting as much physical rest as I would if I had given birth to a living baby. 

Why am I expecting my body to be back to normal already? I get at least 6 hours of sleep most nights now, thankfully! And I'm no longer pregnant and hauling around the extra 'load' of a baby. I guess I need to allow myself more time. Maybe you're in the same boat, thinking, "Why haven't I stopped bleeding yet?" "Dear God, will it EVER end?!" and so on. I feel like I'm losing my ever loving mind, the hormonal roller coaster is more than I can bare most days and my poor family gets the brunt of it. I've never been a patient person and probably never will be. If I'm dying, I'll probably try to make that quick too. LOL So to try to help with the hormonal roller coaster, I think I need to still allow myself more quiet time to focus on me for a little while instead of trying to cater to every need or whimper that heads my way. In that effort, I've been trying to go to bed earlier. Eventually after the bleeding stops for a while, I want to try to go to the gym after my kids go to bed and last but not least I want to get up a little earlier so that I can spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work. Did I mention I am really NOT a morning person!! I'm a night owl and would rather be up late than up at the butt crack of dawn! But I miss my time with my husband before he goes to work since he's got this new job. 

This week while on my 'roller coaster' I got the not so hot ideas which are listed below: 

Here's a run down of the bad ideas I've had or done this week:

1. Got back on my BabyCenter page and started looking around at my 'Birth Club' that Malachi would have been in if I carried him to term.

2. Joined the Grief 'support group' on Baby Center.com, but got stuck looking at peoples dead babies... DO NOT do that!!! It's horrible! I mean really?! I don't want to share my sons pictures with the world, but I guess some people do. It just made me more sad and depressed. And why is it that most of the babies that I saw on there were boys?!! I'm still wondering if there is something environmental or chemical that we are being exposed to somehow that makes it harder for us to carry and have boys! I just don't get it!!

3. Tried to expect too much from myself physically, mentally and emotionally!

4. Taken my focus off of Jesus and back onto my circumstances that I have no control over what so ever right now!

5. Tried to convince my husband that having another baby soon is a good idea. ( For me good idea, for him and to tell him..bad idea!) It's going to have to be a God thing and I can't push it. My arms are empty and it kills me to see other pregnant women and newborns! I want a newborn in my arms asap. Then I think I might just feel a little bit better. I'll never be able to replace Malachi, but I would love to still be able to have a tiny one to hold and admire!

6. Taking out my frustrations on my kids. I need to take into account that they are grieving their brother just as I am grieving my son. Even though they are little and may not understand fully, they still know that someone is missing, someone they had loved on while in my womb. They are acting out more and well..so am I. Go figure.



I think that's the end of my "Good Idea's and Bad Idea's" roll for one night. The moral of this post is to allow yourself adequate time to heal in all aspects of life and body. It's not going to happen over night let alone 6 weeks! Be gentle with yourself and those around you. You're not the only one who lost a loved one. Your hurt may be a bit different than theirs and everyone reacts differently.

Be blessed!
Malachi's Momma :)

Moving Forward and Onward!

                           Malachi's tiny feet 2/19/13

To Update the last post: Stuck on the Fence of Transition. I did go to the Grief Counselor and found out I am perfectly normal and ahead of the curve, probably due to the fact that I had a few weeks of preparation before I actually knew anything about Malachi's status for certain. I kept asking for some sort of formula on what comes next in this process or how to move forward, since I felt stuck. She said there wasn't any certain formula or guidelines on how to move forward. I'm a very black and white person who likes things spelled out for her in clear and plain English. The answer she gave me of, " In time, it will come and you will move on." That didn't help me what so ever, or at least I didn't think it did at the time. A couple of days later I had a nice revelation from Malachi himself, or so I think and feel. Anyways, below is a status update I shared with my family and friends on Facebook. :


Over the past week I've really struggled with moving forward and on with my life while leaving someone so precious behind. The guilt and fear of some sort has just held me back to some extent. Yesterday it was like I could feel Malachi saying, "It's okay mommy!" I haven't had that feeling before or that kind of peace. It was amazing and overwhelming. Sure I've felt Jesus tell me that it's all going to be okay and I've had the peace of knowing that Malachi is with Jesus, but never have I felt the gentle touch of my son hold my heart in his tiny hands and just say, " It's okay mommy!" But that's what it felt like! I guess I owe it to him to live a life worthy of being his mommy and my other kids mommy. It's not a task I take lightly and many days I feel like I fail or fall short of the vision I had of being a stellar mother, but it is also the greatest calling I believe I and many others have received! So, here's to my little man loving on me from Heaven. I'll walk ahead and hold him in my heart always! Happy Easter everyone! :D


What next? What does forward and onward look like for me now? Good questions! I have a few things in mind, but will share those at a later date. It's getting too late and I've got an early morning ahead of me. 

Stuck on the Fence of Transition

Photo credit: ruthiedean.com

Sitting on the Fence of Transition

  I've come to a cross roads of sorts. I feel like I need to move on, but maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too soon. It's been 5 weeks now since Malachi's birth and about 7 weeks since his passing in utero. I feel guilty for wanting to move on because I feel like I'm leaving him behind, someone so precious. I can't just walk away, but I feel stuck. How do I move on from this point in my grief? Is it wrong to move on. It's like denying he ever existed, is how I feel if I move on. I don't have reminders of him around my house, no pictures..even though I have some. The guilt is over riding my sense of joy. Do I make a Christmas stocking this year with his name on? Do I acknowledge him in my daily chatter of, "How many children do you have?" But then when they see my girls and count them, they'll ask.. " Oh where is your 4th?" I just don't know how to acknowledge or respond to these things yet. 

I think my grief is unique in the sense of being so far along in my pregnancy before I lost him. So daily while pregnant we all would talk to Malachi and rub and love on my belly. We had that daily reminder of him being present. What do I do with that sense of his missing presence? Is there a way to replace that? Maybe through pictures whether ultrasound pictures or other? I feel guilty for putting those reminders up because I'm just not sure where my husband is in his grief process. He told me last night that he thinks it's high time for me to move on, in the sense of feeling guilty from the things I wish I would have, could have or if... But HOW?! That's just my big question at the moment! To me, it feels like my husband just wants to deny Malachi or his death even happened... maybe that's where he's at. But what do I do with my needs for closure and acceptance? 

Today, I have my appointment with a grief counselor, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I'm not really much for counseling since I think most of what they do is just based on one persons opinion. But I'm going to give it a shot. I'll update you all later. Hope you're having a great day! 

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump [Official Video]

This song is beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes automatically. A friend of mine on Facebook shared it with me and I am going to share it with you guys. It does bring a bit of healing a long with it. :) Enjoy and grab your tissues!

Alone....?!

Tonight, before I lay my head on the pillow there are so many feelings going through my mind and body.
I feel so anxious, alone, distant and disconnected. My hormones are going wild and leaving me beside myself.
I know I'm not alone....I think! I know people have gone through this before. But I feel like I'm in a sort of wilderness I've never been in before and am not sure how to navigate my way back to civilization. It's the oddest thing, it's like watching your life unfold in front of you while you just take a backseat because you simply don't have the strength to sit in the front and steer anymore. This is where I am this week... Easter is coming up this weekend, and I have no desire to make Easter baskets or get eggs ready for my girls to hunt. I'd really like to have my life back on track and feel some sense of normalcy again. It almost feels impossible. And I'm wondering if that 'normalcy' will ever return.
Please keep praying for me! I don't feel like I've really talked to anyone lately. Kind of like many people are like; " It's been a month, get over it!" That just isn't the case and probably isn't for most people. I'd like to happily 'get over IT'. But my IT isn't just an IT! My IT happens to be a little boy named Malachi who stole my heart and part of my mind apparently and you just can't get over IT in a day let a lone a life time!!! But the question remains, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I move on from this point?" My arms are empty, my heart aches and I feel like I'm suffering in silence and pretending to be okay, when in fact I just feel like I'm falling apart inside. I hate it as much as my loved ones around me can sense it, but feel helpless on what to do.
I go back to my OB tomorrow morning to see if there is anything we can do to help with the hormone fluctuations or if it's just something I have to 'ride out'. I don't like taking anything that I may have to depend on for more than 2 mo. Especially artificial stuff that my body doesn't need. Hopefully she'll help get me started down the right direction or at least know which way I need to go next.

Good night all. I hope you're doing well!

Ode to Superwoman

Good bye Super Woman, Hello Super Mom! ;)

This morning I'm sitting here at the computer with my cup of coffee (decaf), thinking about Super Woman. What were her attributes? Also thinking I'm not the Super woman I thought I was. While Googling the super hero fenom. I came across this video, I don't think I've ever heard this song from Alicia Keys. I love her voice and soulful sound and this song is perfect for how I am feeling currently.  

Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I've been trying to do too many things and keep myself busy. It all came crashing down around me. I need to realize that I can do many things and multitask well, but ultimately if my 'plate' becomes too full then something is going to go lacking. March 4th I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree online. Online schooling can be pretty demanding at times, but does work around my busy schedule. I also went back to work that day after having 2 weeks off. It felt good to get back, but at the same time bittersweet. My girls and I had a relaxing and healing time during those 2 weeks. So, what happened yesterday? I got written up for 2 things, 1 thing I knew I needed to work on. The other for something I'm fairly sure I did, but could not find the proof or anything stating otherwise. Work is usually my refuge from my crazy home...it's good to get out with other adults and have an adult conversation, make some money and then go home at the end of the night feeling like you accomplished something other than wiping noses and butts for no compensation other than an, "I love you Mom" and sometimes you don't even get that. It wears on you. After yesterday and everything just weighing on my 'super mom' shoulders I've been lead to the decision to be back at home. 

My husband by the way got a new job within the same week he was fired from the previous one. Thank you Jesus! It was a complete and total God thing! Along with this job for him, comes the ability for me to be able to stay home. It will replace both of our incomes and eventually give us extra. I'm still wondering if it's too good to be true. But I'm trying my best to have faith that God is the one who placed this job in Adam's path and that He will be the one to sustain it and bless it. I loved my job and still do, I just don't feel like I can do the best job there while my mind is at home and school. For me it's just too much and I've been messing things up. 

Oh and my lovely body just decided to take a dump on me too. I've been sick for about 2 weeks now, I think. I don't know..it's felt like along time. And my hormones have also decided to kick in overtime. So it seems like I've got a bit of post partum depression...which SUCKS!!! So for any of my friends who I've hung up on, started crying out of no where with, or just been irrational. I am sorry!! 

My goal that has been on my heart since having Malachi is to get healthy. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There has to be balance and I need to find it. My family needs me to find it. My approach: natural vitamin and mineral supplements, exercise and organic, low to no processed foods and limiting my sugar intake. Wish me luck! 

The Angry Post...PG-13.. Keeping it Real!

I'm sitting here wondering why it happens...picking at 'scabs', I mean. It can be inadvertently or intentionally. But it happens from time to time. This week I learned of another family in our area that lost their baby boy. It brings up so much pain from my loss because I completely understand or at least I think I understand their pain. It makes me angry that someone else has to know this pain and right at our 'front door'.

Secretly, I feel like I'm dying inside. I've got so much pressure going on right now other than Malachi and I just don't know how much more I can deal with before I reach my breaking point. My husband lost his job this past Monday by just doing his job; he lost it. And that to me makes no sense at all. I want vengeance. I feel like our family is being 'picked on' at the worst possible time.

 It's been 3 weeks since Malachi's been gone and I miss him so much. I miss being pregnant. I got short changed, it wasn't supposed to end like that. What the hell?! I guess I'm getting to the angry point of the grieving process or maybe it's just the whole load of shit that's been piled on top of an already screwed up situation?! This is the side I'm afraid to show people. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. God's still letting me take things in strides and I know He's still right beside me and won't leave me, but damn it...I'm angry!! This is just pure BS! We were supposed to be moving at the end of the month into an actual house, not an apartment and that's not going to happen. We might move, but it will be into a bigger apartment. I HATE apartments, but it's our only option at this moment in time since I'm the only one working. Work and my family that's still alive...keep me sane. Whatever that is! How am I supposed to look to the future when my future's ass seems to be getting kicked by the past?! Am I missing something? What am I supposed to be learning from this? What's the purpose of this crap? I know I'm not handling it well, just by reading over this post. LOL Am I mad at God...I think I'm getting there. It seems like my life has been nothing but struggles since day one...literally. I had to fight to live, and I'm still fighting to stay alive today in some sense. I know it could be worse and there are people going through a lot worse than I am right now and God bless them. Right now this is my trial, frustration and pain. My burdens to bare for whatever reason or point. Probably so that someone else going through it will have be able to find some sort of comfort or strength from it. But right now...this just flat out SUCKS!

That's it for now..have a good night everyone. Hopefully a good nights sleep will bring new light to things and rest to my weary mind.

Memories of Labor and Delivery (TMI warning)

It's kind of crazy what will trigger certain memories. My husband was just asking me about a game I have on my phone. This is the memory it triggered: I was trying to keep my mind occupied during labor and was playing the particular game he mentioned. But while in the hospital, I'm having a hard time placing my husband. I know he was there, but he also left the room a couple of times. When we got there our pastors were outside praying and talking with him. Then he went to lunch. I consistently remember my friend being there on the opposite side of me, but my husband was sitting on the other just kind of in the same daze I was in. 
I think I found more comfort and support in my friend who was with us than my husband. She also provided a good distraction. Otherwise Adam and I would have just sat in silence the whole time wondering if this was really happening. I'm so thankful that they were both there and the prayers that were being silently said whether in the room or else where meant the world to us and me! I definitely felt a cover of peace and ease while in labor and during the delivery! 
There were many uncomfortable times. I could get up and out of the bed to use the bathroom however. Hospital beds are very uncomfortable in general. Thankfully I wasn't hooked up to any monitors, but was to an IV I could drag around with me. The one time things got painful was right before I asked for the epidural. I got up and walked around a bit after the attempt of the epidural which made things a lot better and more tolerable. My back was now sore, but the contractions had mellowed out after getting up and using the bathroom. But that's when the urge to have a BM hit. I got a little nervous, but went anyways. A few minutes later, I had the urge again and I was like, "Ok, call the nurse in, this isn't right." Then she came in and checked me and sure enough Malachi was about to make his way out. I was not ready at all for that! I was thinking, "Can I just go to the bathroom instead of doing this?!" Yeah right! We call the Doctor who had just headed to lunch right after the epidural attempt. I think she may have had 20 minutes if that. So she comes in and checks for herself...(the most unpleasant experience is having another woman stick her whole hand inside of you!) then asks if she can change into scrubs because things can get messy. I told her she better hurry and at this point the contractions were getting a little more intense and I was holding back the urges to push. It seemed like it took her 10 min. to change when I think it was probably only about 5. 
Then the time came to start pushing. With my husband on my right and friend on the left, doctor at the bottom with the nurse (who by the way I really was NOT impressed with at all, but that's another story). There were no stirrups involved just us and the bed. And it was the most uncomfortable way to give birth....flat on the back, knees to the chest.... 
The doctor trying to help things along, but not pulling. Malachi started on his way out butt first, but completely in his water sac. I didn't watch him exit. I just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes to look down there. I didn't know what I was going to see. My doctor was worried that he would lose a body part or that the placenta would need to be surgically removed by D&C. It was a pure miracle my Doctor kept telling me that he was born in his sac. This is VERY rare! That was a blessing in itself! They try to hand him to me right after they cut his tiny cord, I wasn't ready to hold him or see him yet. I wanted them to clean him up a bit first and hand him to me like a normal baby. So they did. It made me feel a little bit better. 
But...the moment they handed him to me it became even more real. He wasn't mine...He was God's! His body was mine for the few hours we had with him. Between Monday and Tuesday. We hadn't thought about funeral arrangements or burial or cremation anything. It was just a matter of getting him out since he was....gone. 
Adam and I held each other and I held our son in my hands. He wouldn't fit in my arms. He was too tiny. He was warm for the first little bit. We did have the nursery take him, he was kept away from the rest of the nursery in a colder area until we had time to process. They took pictures and put a little hat on him. 
All I could do for the first little while with him was just look him over. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little nose and his daddy's full powty lips. His little ears hadn't fully developed yet. But you could definitely tell he was a little boy. His little legs were so tiny they didn't look very strong, not like his arms. But he was precious! He was mine for that little while! From 1:20 pm to about 9:00 pm that night when we had the funeral home pick him up. I was not going to let the hospital turn my son into medical waste! We chose to cremate him. There are 3 funeral homes in our town and only 1 would cremate an infant. They also did everything for no charge at all. We were thankful, but didn't expect that. 
Now, I have my son home.... in a little box that I have to explain to my daughters that his little body or what's left of it is in there. 

Ok, this is it for now...I can't write anymore....